Articles by Monica Heisey
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Anthea Pokroy Is Trying to Create a Ginger Utopia
Being ginger, I’ve had to fight my way out of baying throngs of murderous persecutors more times than I’d like to remember. So when I found out that artist Anthea Pokroy’s first solo exhibition was called 'I collect gingers,' I knew I'd finally found someone who understood what it was to be hate-crimed because of your hair pigment. Full story
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How to Sext Without Looking Like an Idiot
There are a few things in life that everyone over the age 16 should be able to do: cook a few decent meals, navigate a new city without Google Maps, enjoy a hangover, and send a decent sext. As Benjamin Franklin once said: “In this world, nothing can be certain, except death and… Full story
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This Man Thinks He Never Has to Eat Again
You know what's an complete waste of time, money, and effort? Eating. I mean, wouldn't you rather just ingest a tasteless form of sustenance for the rest of your life and never have to go through that tedious rigmarole of opening and eating a premade sandwich or feasting on a pil… Full story
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Ke$ha's Autobiography: You Forgot the Ghost Penises
My main gripe with Ke$ha’s book—aside from a minor $pelling i$$ue—is that while her songs are all about partying and her "wild" lifestyle, her book is pretty boring. And it’s not like the girl doesn’t have some fun anecdotes to share. I am devastated, for instance, that she makes… Full story
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Is It Time We All Stopped Coming Out?
Coming out seems like a real pain in the ass (I'm allowed one bad pun, no?) because it’s such a definitive thing to do. Let's just define ourselves as horny and call it a day. Full story
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Awkward Music I've Had Sex To
One of the four trillion problems with Hollywood is that it has made us all narcissistically convinced that there should be a meaningful and well selected soundtrack playing in the background of the miniscule events of our lives. Very rarely is this the case. Full story
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Arnold Schwarzenegger's Autobiography Is My Everything
This is my second foray into the inflated world of celebrity autobiography and, while action star, former California governor, and one-time tank driver Arnold Schwarzenegger is, in most respects, nothing like our dear R. Kelly, the two have one undeniable similarity: an unwaverin… Full story
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Ten Things R. Kelly's Autobiography Taught Me
Robert Sylvester Kelly has written a book. The creator of everyone’s favorite hip-hopera, oft-topless legend of 90s R&B, and retired Star Wars-themed stripper (more on that later) invites you to take a trip to the theme park that is R. Kelly’s past. GIT ON THE SOULACOASTER, y’all… Full story
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We Got Our Interns to Review Some Strip Clubs
They coped surprisingly well with all the flappy vagina thrust in their faces. And at one point they even had a go on the pole, so that’s something for you to look forward to. Full story
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How Girls Can Preserve Their Modesty This Summer
Inspired by God's Michelle Duggar and her 19 doomed children. Full story
Thought and Memory
New Fiction by Ed Park 
Malaysian Neo-Nazis
Fighting for a Pure Malay Race 
The Strongest Dwarf in New Jersey
Remembering My Tormentor 
Gay Men and Their Misogyny Problem
It's Not Cute Anymore 
Snooping Around Nicolas Cage's House
So Many Bummers 
Saudi Arabia's Feminist Revolution
It's Not Happening 
