BOYLE'S BRAINS
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Tao Lin’s Apartment: A Review
Last October Tao Lin put up a post on Facebook asking if anyone wanted to sublet his studio apartment in Murray Hill while he visited family in Taiwan. I responded and PayPal-ed him the significantly discounted friend rate. I would be staying for around four weeks. This is my review of Tao's apartment. Full story
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What Cat Food Tastes Like
The other day I found myself seriously considering two futures: The one where I’d never know what wet cat food tasted like, and the one where I would. In both futures I’d eventually end up dead, but the one where I’d eat cat food seemed more exciting. Full story
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New Ways to Have Sex
Let half a stick of butter melt in your mouth. This can take a long time. Try to sit still. It will feel less rewarding if you move even slightly. When the butter feels mostly melted, push your tongue against the harder parts. Make them melt against your cheek. Think about how yo… Full story
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The Spookiest Things to Do in a Dog Park
Bring a Ziploc baggie of ground beef instead of a dog. Start to remove its leash. Look tentatively around the park. If someone catches you doing this, direct piercing, relentless eye contact at them while slowly refastening the leash on your beef. Full story
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Real Pain: Future Dead Friends Tour Live Blog
Jordan Castro asked if I wanted to go on a four-day reading tour with him, Mallory Whitten, Scott McClanahan, Sam Pink, and Mike Bushnell. I said I did. A reading tour is like a music tour but with writers who know each other from the internet instead of musicians who know each o… Full story
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What’s Happening with Nicolas Cage’s Face
Nicolas Cage likes to lure his victims into a small basement apartment where he pretends to be lonely and appreciative of their company and insists they stay. Once they’ve fallen asleep, he unhinges his jaw and his mouth grows 40 inches in diameter. His guest is then swallowed wh… Full story
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What I Think About When I Think About My Body
I didn’t fully believe there was a hole in me until I tried filling it with a tampon before college. Still didn’t quite believe it was there until I had sex the next year. Feel jealous of people who get to have sex with it. Putting something into something seems more satisfying t… Full story
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The Secret Life of Objects on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown in a 24-Hour Grocery Store
Only one of these Great Value Happy Drinks does not have an STD. Full story
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Slapstick Reel of My Life
A drunk driver rear-ended my mom’s car. It was night and his lights were off. My mom was driving. I heard her yell my name, then the words “control” and “steering wheel.” Something collided with my head and my face felt wet. This is but one highlight in the slapstick reel of my l… Full story
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I Listened to Five CDs from the Five-for-a-Dollar Box at FYE
I recently spent about 40 minutes digging through the five-for-a-dollar-box at FYE, delighting in the bleakly diverse selection of CDs resting in what would likely become their punchline-y final destination. Full story
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People I Met in Truck Driving School
This May I passed a trucking school on my bike and enrolled shortly after. For four weeks a small group of men and I watched instructional DVDs and took tests in a classroom Mondays through Thursdays from 5:30 to 10:45. Fridays we’d meet in a relatively empty industrial area unde… Full story
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Weight Loss Tips that Have Actually Worked for Me
Here's one trick you can use to combat food problems: Think about how if something is creamy, lactation was probably involved. When you’re trying to decide between two pints of ice cream, pretend they are your mom’s nipples and she wants you to suck on them. Full story
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Rejected GOP Campaign Strategies
Gingrich wanted to make DJ Earworm’s mash-up of 2011 popular radio hits, “World Go Boom,” his answer to all questions. Full story
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Ways to Improve Basketball
How about Dad Overtime, for example? In the event of a tie, all members of Team A and Team B will be swapped out for their dads. Full story
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What New York City Public Sleepers Think About Everclear
It would be easy to assume an old man with a large plastic bag containing a smaller paper Cinnabon bag sleeping in a library next to a liter of club soda would have a limited awareness of Everclear. Full story
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Deleted Scenes from “Drive”
Ryan Gosling ducks behind a boulder and unwraps two packages of snack cakes and blueberry mini-muffins. Full story
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Future Parts of the Human Body
This column is going to be about stuff I like that I think other people might like too. It's called "Boyle's Brains" because my last name is Boyle and my brain is the thing that tells me what I like. Full story
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Here Comes the White-Power Safety Patrol
The White Student Union advocates for “persons of European heritage”—aka “white people.”
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Did a Murderer Just Give Himself Away on Yelp?
It seems like he might have done.
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I'm Hunting Down the Fat Fetishist Who Has My Stolen Laptop
He likes big ladies and lives in a maisonette.
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Dogmageddon: Don't Bet on the Apocalypse
Or you'll end up dead broke, instead of just plain dead.
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How Are We Supposed to Know What the Government Does?
It's pretty terrifying how little we know.
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I Tested out Three Cambodian Spiritual Practices
And learned that Cambodian ghosts apparently don't believe in Jesus.
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Really, Ryan?: Gay Men and Their Not-So-Cute Misogyny Problem
It's not OK to call your lady friends dumb sluts just because you like the same private parts.
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Tao Lin's iPhone Photos of Taipei: Taipei Signs
Tao shows us some of his favorite signs around Taipei.
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VICE News: Triple Hate - Part 1
A documentary about Nathan Bedford Forrest, the Memphis City Council, the Klan, and the Crips.
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VICE News: This Is What Winning Looks Like
A documentary about the ineptitude and corruption of the Afghan security forces.
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My Week with Hungary's Far-Right
Hungarian nationalists throw beer at people and blame Jews and gypsies for all their problems.
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Oxford Has Put Heavy Metal, Mesopotamians, and Noh Theater Together at Last
In a play entitled 'Ashurbanipal: The Last Great King of Assyria.'
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Tao Lin's iPhone Photos of Taipei: Taipei Signs
Tao shows us some of his favorite signs around Taipei.
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Noisey: Guitar Moves - Blake Mills
Malibu native Blake Mills was already making waves at the tender age of 19.
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VICE News: Triple Hate - Part 1
A documentary about Nathan Bedford Forrest, the Memphis City Council, the Klan, and the Crips.
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Did a Murderer Just Give Himself Away on Yelp?
It seems like he might have done.
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Did I Discover YelaWolf?
This. CD. It looked like… I really can’t even explain the levels of wrong this thing was.
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Here Comes the White-Power Safety Patrol
The White Student Union advocates for “persons of European heritage”—aka “white people.”
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I'm Hunting Down the Fat Fetishist Who Has My Stolen Laptop
He likes big ladies and lives in a maisonette.
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Las Vegas Needs to Get Creative with Its Homeless Problem
Here are some ideas.
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Let VICE School You on the Web This Internet Week
There's a lot more to the web than carnal perversions and dwarfed felines.
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I Tested out Three Cambodian Spiritual Practices
And learned that Cambodian ghosts apparently don't believe in Jesus.
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How Are We Supposed to Know What the Government Does?
It's pretty terrifying how little we know.
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The Cosmic Adventures of Mr. Muthafuckin' eXquire
Mr. Muthafuckin' eXquire's hard-partying, lecherous persona couldn't be further from the truth.
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VICE News: Teenage Riot - São Paulo
The fight for a free pass on public transportation in São Paulo is not only for students anymore.
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Rob Ford, the World's Greatest Mayor, Smokes Crack
What's the big deal? Everyone finds themselves in this position once in a while.
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VICE News: Triple Hate - Trailer
A doc about Nathan Bedford Forrest, the Memphis City Council, the Klan, and the Crips.
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Art Talk: Matt Mignanelli
A chat about his work, life, and strong American work ethic.
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The Mercy Rule: Hearing the Spurs
They're not too boring; you're too young.
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Pigeon Racing Is a Dying Sport in Canada
We hung out with one of Toronto's finest pigeon racers to find out why anyone would want to pigeon race.
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Suck on the Monolith
Ken Baumann's first novel is, in short, fucked.
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VICE News: This Is What Winning Looks Like
A documentary about the ineptitude and corruption of the Afghan security forces.
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A Few Impressions: 'Gatsby'
In the end, Luhrmann made it work, and that’s all that matters.
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Why Don’t Dudes Like My Crotchless Panties?
Crotchless panties make me hornier than a nude Jake Johnson offering me a burrito.
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The Cute Show: Capybara Bathhouse!
We met a herd of capybara who love to take dips in the park's hot springs.
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Austerity's Drug of Choice
Greece's infamous new drug, sisa, is meth mixed with filler ingredients like battery acid.
Thought and Memory
New Fiction by Ed Park 
Malaysian Neo-Nazis
Fighting for a Pure Malay Race 
The Strongest Dwarf in New Jersey
Remembering My Tormentor 
Gay Men and Their Misogyny Problem
It's Not Cute Anymore 
Snooping Around Nicolas Cage's House
So Many Bummers 
Saudi Arabia's Feminist Revolution
It's Not Happening 
