• An Open Letter to the Guy I Went on Two Dates with and Blew Off

    The first time we met, for two seconds at a party, I already suspected I wouldn’t be attracted to you. I remember thinking, His head looks really, really heavy. You have a large head. Also, you suck at boobplay.

  • Dear Mattel, Here Is How to Make a Goth Doll

    Monster High dolls are currently one of the best-selling dolls in the world. They are like Barbie’s Goth cousin—the one who buys black and white Argyle sweaters at Hot Topic and sits in the cemetery rolling her eyes in disgust at the thought of blonde people smiling. Here's a lis…

  • Have You Seen This Old Rich Lady?

    Who is this woman and why are her words in my eyes? That’s you. Wondering about me and the letters you’re looking at. I’m Jen Kirkman. I’m a comedian and author by trade. This is my new column, Come into My Head. I’ve decided to devote the first installment to locating the most f…