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GAVIN HAYNES'S SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

  • Why I Feel Sorry for the Pope Who Hung Up on God

    Benedict is alone. He is ex-Pope. He has ceased to be pope. He is hanging up the pointy hat. He is turning over the keys to the golf buggy to a younger guy. From now on, when he tells young Africans that the best way to protect themselves from AIDS is abstinence, they can chuckle heartily at his virginal naïveté without fear of smiting. He will just be an old crank with eyes like wormholes into hell. Nothing to fear. Full story

    2013 Feb 11 Gavin Haynes News
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    8
  • Reasons Why Everyone Should Start a New Life in Brilliant Britain

    Britain is an intolerable wasteland, and you're an idiot if you want to live there. Not my words, but the paraphrased sentiments of the British government, that, it emerged last weekend, is considering placing ads in Romania and Bulgaria telling people not to move there when curr… Full story

    2013 Feb 2 Gavin Haynes Stuff
    5
    8
  • Bath Salts, Orgies, Murder, and Anti-Virus Software

    If there is one thing society can learn from the soap opera now engulfing tech zillionaire John McAfee, it is that rectal shelving is the best way to take the psychoactive drug MDPV. Full story

    2012 Nov 20 Gavin Haynes Stuff
    5
    8
  • Soon Old People Will Suck the Youth Right Out of Your Veins

    Someone has proved that old people can benefit from slurping the blood of the young. Though obviously when I say "slurping" I mean "by having a clinically sterile transfusion." And when I say "old people" I mean "old mice," but y'know, we're all the same aren't we? Full story

    2012 Oct 24 Gavin Haynes Stuff
    5
    8
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