• The Inexorable Rise of the Crapjects

    There is a world to come where Google Glasses will exist as a popular game platform. These will turn out to be just popular enough to ensure that Google Glass never gets to be useful and will never be able to give you a good look at the real world.

  • My Bloody Valentine, Bowie, and the URL of Things to Come

    A few weeks back I received an email from a friend that went something like "My dad's got a new record out today, and he could really use your support to help get the word out." I get emails like that quite often. The difference here was that this friend of mine's dad is David Bo…

  • I'm Sick of Waiting for Space Travel, Give Me a Castle on Mars

    There may well be microbial life forms on Mars, yes. We may be polluting a pristine alien environment. But I say that, if they're there, let them fight for it. Let them go to war with the mighty water bears of Earth. I don't care any more. Space stations are crap. I want a castle…

  • I Can Fix Gun Control in America with Drones

    I propose the banning in America of all firearms except those attached to a drone. I'm not infringing the American right to bear arms. I am qualifying it. Because the only thing that stops a bad guy with a drone is a good guy with a drone.

  • The Inevitable Crapness of 2013

    The Internet of Things is something that people will be seriously looking at in 2013. On one hand, it's a wonderful idea but it could also create a class of desperate entrepreneurs born of austerity and sociopolitical upheaval.

  • The Acceptable Cost of the Right to Bear Arms

    The main weapon used at Newtown was an assault rifle preferred by special forces teams. Now, I’m not an expert. I’m British. But I’m thinking that 20 to 30 semi-automatic .233 rounds through a carbine with a built-in flash suppressor is probably overkill for any civilian bear def…

  • How to Shut Down Internets

    After shutting the internet down, most megalomaniac dictators believe they will still be around to turn it back on. They take their future for granted, and believe they only need to hide the corpses it will be built on.

  • An Idiot's Guide to Time

    We live in a world where time only flows downstream and the past is an unscalable glacier wall. We will hit the bottom of the spiral long before we ever solve the problem of rescuing love or speaking unsaid goodbyes.

  • Delete Everything Now

    We give up our privacy, as they say, for candy bars. The problem is that the thing we give our information to today is not necessarily the thing that will have it tomorrow.

  • Sandy and the Broken Machine

    Global warming isn't a joke or a trick, it's the new future, a thousand miles wide and coming for us at a hundred miles an hour.

  • My Last Column About the Presidential Election (Really)

    You may gather that I don't consider the 2012 election itself much of a story, and you'd be right. It'll appear to be tight, but it really won't be. Here's my prediction.

  • Jimmy Savile and the Price of Silence

    Sir Jimmy Savile was a radio DJ, TV personality, and charity worker, raising millions for the children's ward at Stoke Mandeville hospital. He's also a necro-pedo, who did his deeds for years because nobody wanted to pay the price of outing him.

  • The Valley of Expectations

    Human spaceflight may be dead, but the future's still death from above. Ever look up and notice how much the American Space Shuttle resembles some styles of drone? That happened when we weren’t looking.

  • The Trail of Blood on the Floor

    During the first presidential debate, Obama looked like a man who was really ready to not be president any more. Maybe the weight of killing for a living is finally getting to him.

  • Your God Is Not Strong

    If there were a god, and it felt mortal pain at the sin of blasphemy, it would be a vain and weak creature, unworthy of sympathy, let alone worship. When I wipe shit on the face of your god, I’m not doing it to your god—I’m doing it to you.

  • The Death of Fun in Politics

    It is a miserable indictment that not only do our current politicians lack the courage to do sweeping good works, but that they also fail to have the black spine for acts of authentic pure fucking evil. 

  • Bringing the Future Back from the Dead

    It’s easy to believe science fiction’s dead. But it turns out it’s alive, and being made in the offices of people who actually build the near future for a living. Which, like the best science fiction, is something you wouldn’t necessarily have predicted.

  • Print Your Own Penis

    Somewhere, in some gilded bunker of the 1 percent, a very old, very rich man is laying plans to print himself a new cock. Perhaps one with cameras in it. And maybe a gun.