HEY RON!

Hey Ron! Should I Dress to Impress?

New York Fashion Week Edition

I never dress to impress anyone. At the end of the day, my character should speak for itself. I’m not wearing an Armani or Hickey Freeman suit. I’m out here to represent Ron, not a tailor. If someone wants me to get dressed up for a party, that’s a party I’m trying to dip out of. Full story

Hey Ron! Will the Flu Kill Me?

You should avoid the subways. There are people that sneeze on the train and I just want to smack them. I’ve seen people pick their nose and then grab the rail. I look at them like, “Really?” And they say, “Sorry.” But they aren’t sorry for what they did. Full story

Hey Ron! Should I Marry a Manslut?

I fell in love with a guy three years back when I saw a shirtless pic of him on my girl’s phone. Since then, he's had his way with most of my girlfriends. But none of them understand him like I do. Am I making a mistake trying to turn this man into a one-girl guy? Full story

Hey Ron! with a Vengeance

Yippie ki-yay, VICE readers! Ron is back. Our office soothsayer has finally returned after a long and ragged journey filled with tribulations, advice giving, and redemption. Full story

Hey Ron! - Why Is My Mother Mad That She Caught Me Having Sex?

I’ve been caught having sex before. And I’m sure my daughter has probably gotten down in my house. But I would be go crazy if I ever actually caught her bumping uglies under my roof. I know it sounds weird, but it's all about respect. Full story

Hey Ron! - Should I Sell My Piss and Dirty Panties?

We’re in a recession for crying out loud. Times are hard and everybody has to have a hustle, even if that hustle involves urine-soaked dirty drawers. I won't hate if you do it, just don't put a return address on your pee and panties package. Full story

Hey Ron! - Why Can't We Have Anything Nice?

I understand that kids want to wild-out. I've done everything in the book. I was so bad when I was younger in the projects that I even surfed the train. So, I get it. I know you young people want to go nuts and act dumb, but trust me, you are only hurting yourself. Full story

Hey Ron! - Do You Believe in Ghosts?

I think it’d be really cool if there were some Caspers around, some nice ghosts that I could just hang out, watch the game, or listen to music with. That would be great. They could keep me company but they wouldn't eat all my food or dirty up my place. Full story

Hey Ron! - What's the Fourth of July About?

Watching your family grill under the influence and seeing criminal-provided fireworks. Full story

Hey Ron – Is It Too Late to Get a Beach Body?

Yes, you are way too late. It’s the end of June, you idiot. Full story

Hey Ron! - What Should I Get My Dad for Father's Day?

Considering all the money I’ve sunk into being a dad, it wouldn’t be too much if my daughter rolled up to my crib on Father’s Day with a brand new Ferrari. Full story

Hey Ron! - When Should I Get Pregnant?

A better way to phrase this question is, "When is the right time to obliterate my youth?" Full story

Hey Ron! - Am I Watching Too Much Porn?

There are probably a few people at VICE with sticky keyboards. Those are the co-workers I won't shake hands with. Full story

Hey Ron! - How Much Should I Drink After Graduation?

I know a few things about overindulgence from first-hand experience. One time I literally parked on top of a fire hydrant. Full story

Hey Ron! - Should I Move in with My Deadbeat Boyfriend?

Keep that knucklehead out of your house and be like me—independent, free, and maintaining an exemplary credit score. Full story

Hey Ron! - What Should I Say to My Girl if Her Coochie Stinks?

Before you go around pointing the finger at people, you need to look in the mirror and get a nostril full of the scents emanating from your own crotch. It may not be good. Full story

Hey Ron! Reloaded

Your favorite life coach Ron is back with a whole new outlook on life and he's ready to share it with all you hopeless hapless scumbags. Full story

Hey Ron! - What Should I Say to a Cop?

Ron gives you some choice tips on how to interact with the po-pos so you don't have to worry about not dropping the soap. Full story

Hey Ron! - Don't Ass Bet

If you bet and lose, you have to either pay it up or get kicked in the butt. Full story

Hey Ron! - Eli Manning Is My Homeboy

I used to think Eli was a second rate quarterback. But I've learned to accept his flaws and now I'm in a "bromance" with the guy. I'll be wearing his jersey on Super Bowl Sunday. Full story

Hey Ron! - Dating Is Overrated

Dating just isn't what it's cracked up to be. I'm like a little minnow swimming in a pool full of greedy sharks. Full story

Hey Ron! - Don't Turd on Me

It is not OK to shit in the bathroom next to my desk. Full story

Hey Ron! - Maad Video

Ron's got a lot of opinions, and in the spirit of the season he's letting someone else share hers. Full story

Hey Ron! - Presidential Campaign

Herman, if you're reading this: Go back to making pizza. Full story

Hey Ron! - I'm Not White

Since working for VICE, my black friends think I've been turning white. Full story

Hey Ron! - Joining the Masons

Everybody asks me to help them become a Freemason but it's not like joining Netflix. Full story

Hey Ron! - Welcome to the Shinydome

I'm not ashamed of being bald. In fact, I'm a proud member of the bald community. It's an honor to be in the same league as Isaac Hayes and Michael Jordan. Full story

Hey Ron! - I Buy My Own Jolly Ranchers

Instead of finding a regular woman, I'm going to find one with an EBT card and live off her because she eats for free. Full story

Hey Ron - My Dad Boned Some Lady

If your wife tells you to sleep with other women and you do it, don't tell her about it. Full story

Hey Ron! - Occupy This

I can write on my sign, "I just don't like none of y'all." Because none of y'all are making any damn sense. Full story

Hey Ron - Nothing's Worse Than a Little Power

It's funny how the tiniest bit of power can turn the nicest people into total dicks. Full story

Hey Ron! - Eli Manning Is a Turd

I'm a New Yorker, so I love the Jets and I love the Giants—I bleed blue and sometimes green, depending on the weather—but I hate Eli Manning with a passion. Full story

Hey Ron! - Ray Dog, Real-Life Omar

I want to tell you about a real-life vigilante I used to know named Ray Dog. He wasn’t a big guy, he was just a very, very good fighter. His two brothers were well-versed in martial arts, and they taught him how to fight. Full story

Mixed Meats

Whenever people ask me what type of meat I like, I always say dark. It’s not that I’m racist, I just like dark meat. It’s juicier and has more flavor. Now, white meat can taste good if it’s blended, but all white meat doesn’t work for me. Full story

Hey Ron! - We're All Broke

I've been poor. It's tough. But you make it harder on yourself if you don't know how to handle your money. The last thing you want to do if you're broke is try to keep up with the Kardashians. You'll always lose that battle. Full story

Hey Ron! - Riot Ruminatin'

The closest I've come to being in a riot was during the blackouts of '77. We were so ignorant. We destroyed our own neighborhoods and fought against each other. Full story

Hey Ron! - Who Wants to Be a Punk?

I grew up in the projects on 100th between Park and Madison. In my neighborhood, a punk was someone who couldn't fight or didn't do dangerous things like the rest of us. Full story

Hey Ron! - Customer Service Suffering

For some reason I've been dealing with a lot of customer service representatives lately. As I'm sure you know, they are the worst people on the face of the Earth. What's more, you have to fight an automated system before you get the privilege of talking to one of them. Full story

Hey Ron! - Privacy Problems

I didn’t know much about Rupert Murdoch until he hit the news a couple of weeks ago. He’s a very wealthy man, and I can see how he’s ended up where he is. Hell, if I had enough power to wiretap the stuff that goes on with Google and IBM and all those other Fortune 500 companies,… Full story

Hey Ron! - Barn Livin’

I know this is a stereotypical thing to say, but kids these days don’t have any manners. When I was 12 or 13 and riding the subway with my friends, I made it a point not to curse if adults were around. Nowadays I get on the train and hear 14-year-old kids talking about having sex… Full story

Hey Ron! - Roommates Suck

This special Freaky Friday edition of Hey Ron! is about roommates, specifically kicking them out. Today's missive is from a young man who recently got a new job and can now afford to liv… Full story

Hey Ron! - Intern Emancipation

We just got our new batch of summer inte… Full story

Hey Ron! - Sciatica Can Suck It

I’m m… Full story

Hey Ron! - Oh Sheets!

When I he… Full story

Hey Ron! - Apartment Apoplexy

This week's dilemma is a story of love turned sour. Full story

Hey Ron! - Puff Puff I'll Pass

First of all does anybody know how 4/20 became dedicated to smoking weed? I work for Vice, so it's 4/20 every day, which is why it doesn't matter that this po… Full story

Hey Ron! - All Night With Hey Ron!

It was only a matter of time before Hey Ron!’s fame transcended its already substantial internet following, and midnight tonight will be the precise moment Ronald H… Full story

Hey Ron! - Failure to Launch

Moochers are the worst. We've all had friends who are constantly borrowing money, bumming smokes, and crashing on our couches, and when it gets to be too much we sim… Full story

Hey Ron! - Racial Slurs

"Cracker" is a sensitive word. I don’t know if it’s ever truly appropriate to say it unless you’re having some crackers as a snack with some Whiz f… Full story

Hey Ron! - The Ups and Downs of the L

I recently moved to Ridgewood, Queens. My new place is very convenient to get to as far as work and church are concerned. Church is five blocks away, and once I'm on the Full story

Hey Ron! – It Rage

I’ve been working next to the IT guys for about four years. There are two of them. I won’t mention names, but they can be quite loud. There are times when a certain Full story

Hey Ron! - My Knuckle Sandwich Recipes

It's no secret that Ron has one hell of a knuckle game. When you grow up in New York City being able to throw down is just as important as knowing how to ride the subw… Full story