Pen Pals

The Trials of Job

After my sweet release from prison last year, I struggled for about a year looking for a decent job. I badly wanted to work, but I quickly became discouraged when my first ten applications were shot down, probably thanks to my status as a felon. Those were some tough times. Full story

2013 May 13 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Bert Meets a Real Rapper Who’s a Year Out of Prison

A lotta dudes in prison are rappers, but I don’t pay them much mind. But in the case of SunBlaze, I had a feeling that he was serious bizness—the way he kept to himself, quietly writing and not talking a lotta shit like lotsa dudes do. He got out last May and has been doing very… Full story

2013 May 3 Bert Burykill Music

5

8

Addiction Isn't a Disease, I'm Just a Dick

When you’ve been sent back to prison multiple times for dirty pee like I have, you end up thinking a bunch about addiction—whether you’re a screwup or a bona fide addict, and if you’re an addict, what that means. Lots of people define addiction as a “disease,” but I don't… Full story

2013 Apr 30 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Dying of a Dirty Mouth

Don’t think appearance matters? I once saw an old man get killed in prison for having bad breath. He was Puerto Rican, but we called him Miagi 'cause he had a very Asian look and resembled Pat Morita. Unfortunately, his mouth was completely decayed and smelled like sweltering gar… Full story

2013 Apr 22 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

RockBottom Heads Toward Bottom

The early morning air stunk of pissy pussy and unwashed balls. RockBottom did his thing all night like always, dispensing drugs to the party people. The fiends were nodded out, neck-cramp proper, and the freaks spun out on E were in the bedroom, fruitlessly masturbating each othe… Full story

2013 Apr 11 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Prisons I've Known and Yelped

I was kicked off Yelp probably about 15 times. I’m the ORIGINAL prison reviewer, along with some guy named Craig who did a nice review of Rikers four years ago and who probably got kicked off too. I lost my classic reviews, so I decided to make some more. Full story

2013 Apr 5 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Inmates Love Lawsuits

A prisoner named Kim Millbrook won a Supreme Court case with a handwritten petition, which is impressive. Thanks to him, inmates have the right to sue scumbag pork chops in federal jails, but the truth is that an assload of taxpayer money gets wasted on inmates’ frivolous lawsuit… Full story

2013 Mar 28 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Don’t Stick Dominoes in Your Dick

Some guys in prison like to get together in the bathroom, puncture their penises with a little slice, and then insert an implant. From what I hear, usually they break off a piece of a domino and insert it up under the foreskin area, or sometimes, down closer to the base. Gross. Full story

2013 Mar 22 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Home Is Where the Prison Is

The latest article I’ve seen about reforming the prison system is from something called GovLab, and it’s all about “data analytics” and “geo-driven decision making” and “virtual incarceration.” It sounds all nice and fancy when they say it, but it’s pretty clear that they’re in s… Full story

2013 Mar 18 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

HardWhite Loves Twerk ’n’ Jerk

The county jail ain't that bad. I lie in bed all high and toasty listenin’ to music, plottin’ on my next move, and readin’ the Scrabble dictionary to build my vocab massive. I’m focused and dedicated to suck the most love outta the stinkin' clink while languishin’ in anguish in t… Full story

2013 Mar 7 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Down in the Hole

The cops definitely use the box as a tool, and it’s been seriously overused. In New York, the box is officially called a Special Housing Unit (SHU), and it is a serious tool to keep the inmates in check. I did very limited box time, and it scared the shit out of me. Full story

2013 Feb 28 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Prisons Punish Families Too

Imagine your dad was locked up for most of your life. You’d grow up poor, probably full of anger, likely in a louse-filled neighborhood with unseemly influences, and you’d have a greater chance of becoming a whore or a thief or a drug dealer and following dear old Dad into jail… Full story

2013 Feb 21 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Valentine's Day Is a Punch to the Gunt

Girls love a lot of nonsense, like drinking out of wine glasses. What the fuck’s that for? You can just drink cheap wine out of the bottle and it tastes lovely as virginal blood. Girls also fall for sucker shit like soap operas and shopping networks, so of course they’re going to… Full story

2013 Feb 14 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Incorrect Officers

Daaamn! Look at this prison guard who’s having a cop killer’s baby after banging him behind bars! Over the years I’ve spent incarcerated, I’ve definitely run into a few slags working for Corrections. Full story

2013 Feb 11 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Rehab or Prison?

Intervention-type shows give people the impression that everyone in rehab is on the verge of death, whereas it’s actually filled with heads trying to stay the fuck outta jail. In a lot of ways, it’s just another moneymaking racket. Full story

2013 Jan 29 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Rappin' Wif Rockbottom

Even when I’m lookin’ cracked-out, I possess profucious retard strength. I can smoke 20 twenties, eat a whole chicken, light a couch on fire, and throw it out the window with my grandma sitting on it. Full story

2013 Jan 22 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

God Behind Bars

I’m not proud to be prejudiced against religious people, but at least when in jail I definitely have a problem with them. It doesn’t matter what faith they’re representing, they usually seem to be delusional or crazy. I’ve lived next to convicts who really think they can talk to… Full story

2013 Jan 15 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

HardWhite, an Introduction

The ballad of HardWhite and RockBottom's first meeting and the beginning of a deliciously destructive relationship that was created by the lucrative machinery that manifests itself from a combination of prison, women, and drugs. Full story

2013 Jan 8 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Holidays in Jail

Lamentably, I’ve spent the majority of the past decade’s Christmases locked up. I try to imagine I’m a tough son of a bitch and this doesn’t affect me, but I tell you, it’s mega-hard not to succumb to the depression. Full story

2013 Jan 2 Bert Burykill NSFW

5

8

Thirstbuckets

Normally, I like to coin my own crackerisms and slang when it comes to describing indescribable prison behaviors, but I can’t improve on “thirstbucket.” In case you don’t know, that’s ghetto terminology for inmates who have crackhead tendencies. Thirstbuckets fiend for everything… Full story

2012 Dec 18 Bert Burykill NSFW

5

8

Slaying the Snot-Sneezing Dragon

Guys in prison jack off so much they’ll try damn near anything. I used to spray hot water from an artificial lemon all over my sac when I busted just ‘cause I had nothing better to do. I once had a toilet in a cell with a stainless steel seat that would get all cold, and when I f… Full story

2012 Dec 11 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Pissin’ Out the Pain

I’d never been happier to relieve myself in a jailhouse bullpen full of dirty men. I pissed for about five minutes and felt great. Then I finished and looked around like, “Fuck worrying about going to hell… I’m already in hell.” Full story

2012 Dec 4 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

'Ruff Buttlove' and Other Prison Raps

This song is basically a true story about two different bonerabelles whose booties I plundered. To all the young bucks reading this: When you go to summer camp, fuck a chick in the ass. No regrets. Full story

2012 Nov 17 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Why Can't I Vote?

Who knows what the outcome would be if felons were granted the right to vote? Truth is, we’d probably be too busy smoking rocks, gettin’ money, and fucking fat bitches to even know an election was scheduled. Criminals got better shit to do than waste their time voting. Full story

2012 Nov 1 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

I'm in Love with This Fake Pussy

I’m a brutally honest man, which is about to get me in trouble. I should never admit that this plastic suction cup slut with soft, slimy, rubber guts feels better than my girl’s own bonerable treasure trove, but it does. Tenga is the best snatch on Earth times 20. Full story

2012 Oct 26 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Hey There, Lonely Girl

It breaks my heart to think about a woman all on her own in prison. Basically, I’m down to do what you want me to. Maybe I can send you some old books or pornos or something. If you tell me your interests I can print out articles from online or send pictures. Can I send you a pic… Full story

2012 Oct 19 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

The Good Ole Bad Ole Days

Bad things were happening all around me, but I was in a pre-ejaculatory state of perma-bliss. I had dough, I had a girl, I had fun, and thought I had all the freedom in the world just ‘cause I bought a lotta shit with blinky lights. Full story

2012 Oct 11 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Rape-Os in Prison

There is a jailhouse rumor that everyone is asked to produce “their papers” when they arrive at a prison to prove that they don’t have anything shady on their rap sheet, but that’s not really true. The same goes for the myth that all touchers are ostracized, jumped, or run out of… Full story

2012 Oct 5 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

I Saw an Inmate Get Struck by Lightning Through the Phone

The sky got crazy, there was a sonic boom and a MEGA flash of light—from across the room I saw Black sprint 20 feet while holding his underarm/heart area. He slowed down, turned around, stumbled back ten or 15 feet stuttering, “It hurts, it burns,” and collapsed. Full story

2012 Sep 26 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Finish What You Start

I’ve witnessed a few wigs get split in the middle of the night by a lock in a sock, I’ve heard stories about people getting boiling baby oil dumped on them, and seen guys walking around with these ugly scars. Revenge is common in prison, so finish what you start. Full story

2012 Sep 19 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Shit Dudes in Prison Say

Dudes say the most stupefying things in jail. I don’t know what it is, but there is a breed of dude who just makes shit up about the Prada shoes, the Mercedes, the gold-plated condom, the bad bitch with two pussies and no butthole… just outlandishness. Full story

2012 Sep 5 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Lockup Crackup

This dorm environment is wearing me down. Non-stop noise and nonsense. County jails are designed to make people go crazy and cop unwise pleas to end the madness. Just this morning, my bunky was unexpectedly woken at 4:30 AM for a court date he had no idea about. Full story

2012 Aug 31 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Depressed Mess

I might have some mild issues that resulted in some serious life problems, but I’m not like the depressed heads over in the crazy cell block. According to my sources, those guys are throwing piss, shit, and cum on the walls, they don't shower, and they scream constantly because o… Full story

2012 Aug 24 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Meet the Neighbors

Here in prison, my bunky is a drug addict from a family of drug addicts. He has spent most of his 20s in and out of jail. I have the top bunk and he has the bottom. All I can say is don’t get caught, kids… This ain’t living. Full story

2012 Aug 16 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Back in Jail and Smoking Green Beans

So it’s back to the stinkin’ clink again. My state tour of various jails and institutions now includes Westchester County Jail in Valhalla. Because I have had felonies and been Upstate before, I got put in a dorm with a buncha cutthroat criminals who smoke dried green beans. Seri… Full story

2012 Aug 10 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

The Unbonerable New York Justice System

It's no surprise that assistant district attorneys are racist pieces of shit. NYC prosecutors will crap in someone's mouth if you allow them to. Full story

2012 Jul 13 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Gettin’ Money Prison-Style

I'll teach you how to get money, aka work out, for a box of Newports and a foot rub. Full story

2012 Jul 3 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Homos in the Big House

I feel like there’s a universally accepted idea that prison is a homosexual’s paradise based on very little evidence. Full story

2012 Jun 25 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Cooking in the Cooler

I never realized you could cook some next-level gourmet shit with a microwave until I went to a prison with no kitchen. Full story

2012 Jun 14 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Uncle Jamm Wants Yous!

It’s regrettable to me that I was as useless as tits on a bulldog reindeer for six years behind bars, and I wish I could’ve gone to the military to learn how to blow people up. Full story

2012 Jun 4 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

(Don’t) Let Them Eat Cake

I’m kind of a health nut and don’t like fat people or smokers, but I pity the fool who takes away donuts and Snickers from MY people. Full story

2012 May 30 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Makin’ Friends in Prison

Now I feel like an elitist asshole, but, seriously, finding friends in jail is kinda like baggin’ bitches at the STD clinic—not too savvy. Full story

2012 May 18 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

The Rapes of Wrath

The imminent threat of big black cocks filling holes is how the media machine tries to keep white guys out of jail. Full story

2012 May 14 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Let a Prisoner Get Some Pussy

One of the most counterintuitive things about prisons in New York is that special sexytime conjugal visits are only allowed at maximum-security prisons. Full story

2012 May 3 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Thinking Stinks

In prison, you are haunted by visions of your babydoll getting sodomized repeatedly, on film, and probably for free. Full story

2012 Apr 9 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Getting $$ in the Clink-Clink

Not that braggadocio is my thing or that anyone will even believe me, but I’ve made at least 5,000 stamps gambling on football over the years. Full story

2012 Mar 30 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Career Opportunities

I’m disappointed to admit that I haven’t been given the opportunity to even get a have-a-boss-step-on-my-head-and-pee-in-my-cranial-orifices type of jobby-job. Full story

2012 Mar 22 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Prison Makes You Crazy

It’s awe-inspiring to imagine how I did over six years in jails without becoming completely nuts. Inside I saw the illest shit, it was like a psych ward with crazies everywhere yelling and drooling. Full story

2012 Mar 15 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

The People You Meet on Rikers

I sat face to face with a heartless murderer and realized we had some things in common. Full story

2012 Mar 9 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

They Gave Him Five for One

JerkFace HogSmack was sentenced to five years in prison for breaking one bottle over a douche bag's head. Full story

2012 Mar 5 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

My Bloody Valentine

Our prison correspondent wrote these poems. In the tradition of John Donne and R. Kelly, they are mainly about fucking. Full story

2012 Feb 16 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Jailhouse Rap

Today, Bert Burykill shares some of his songs with us. Oh, you didn't know our prison correspondent was also a rapper? Well, he is. Full story

2012 Feb 8 Bert Burykill Music

5

8

Where Love Goes to Die

My ex-girl wrote this letter to me as she sat in a cell across the hall at the county jail. Full story

2012 Feb 1 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

A Day on the Inside

An average day in jail is just boring. The prison demographic is monochromatically moronic, so you have to amuse yourself. I took up cock puppetry, AKA Kegel exercises. Full story

2012 Jan 25 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

The Perils of Piss Tests

I have pissed in a cup at least 100 times, and I still haven't learned a damn thing, except that the taxpayers sure waste an assload of money on these tests. Full story

2012 Jan 19 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

The Right to Blow Loads

Yesterday's "Slate" article asking whether masturbation is an inmate's god-given right was bonerably intriguing, but it lacked the perspective of someone who's actually jerked it in a cell. Full story

2012 Jan 11 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

A Dispatch from the Inside

Pen Pals - A Dispatch from the Inside Full story

2012 Jan 6 Monroe NSFW

5

8

New Year's Sleaze

A blood-speckled shart in the free world is more enticing than a NYE locked up. Full story

2011 Dec 30 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Christmas in the Can

There are certain things that make prison even worse than the average jackass can imagine, and Christmas is one of them. Full story

2011 Dec 21 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Will Fuck for Food

I'm your typical ex-con out on parole, living on welfare, using some poor girl with a bad-boy complex for her flesh and car. Unfortunately, I can't find a job. Mostly 'cause I'm not looking. Full story

2011 Dec 14 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Locked Up and Loaded

You know what makes jail-vittles borderline bonerable? Getting hit with the munchies after snorting a certain beta-blocking opiate substitute drug called Suboxone. Full story

2011 Dec 7 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Parole Blows

Ask the average jackass on the street and he'll probably tell you I repaid my debt, but no, now I gotta deal with this shit. Full story

2011 Nov 30 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Jailhouse Grooming

I frequently eat my sperm just because it seems like the healthy thing to do. Full story

2011 Nov 16 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Notes from Aboveground

Just get a can of dulce de leche and some baking soda, mix it up with cream cheese, cookies, and Hershey's syrup, then fuck that shit in a rubber glove like it's a weird Argentinian birthday party. Full story

2011 Nov 9 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Sucking the Government's Teats

Everyone's life is different when they leave the penitentiary, and praise to Baby Jesus's Micropenis, I have good fortune on my side. Full story

2011 Nov 3 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Sweet Release

You want sweet release? Go on a mealworm diet for two weeks and then feel the unadulterated ecstasy of eating a Cambodian creamsicle out some foxy strumpet's starfish. Full story

2011 Oct 26 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Booty in the Buttpocket

Not too long ago I learned that humans come equipped with our own pocket, a marsupial-esque pouch I've dubbed the buttpocket. Full story

2011 Oct 21 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Tales from the Jailhouse JizzWizard

What I'm locked up for isn't important. What is important is that I'm stoned-to-the-bone stroke crazy. I am the Jailhouse JizzWizard. Full story

2011 Oct 12 Jailhouse JizzWizard Stuff

5

8

That Post-Prison Glow

Even before I came to jail I was above-average bonerable. Full story

2011 Sep 29 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Locked Up and Heartbroken

Every day in prison is lackluster, but today was exceedingly shitty. I was denied for the third time at the parole board and given another 24-month “hold.” Full story

2011 Sep 16 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

On Rapists

We call them “rape-os” and they are everywhere. The New York Department of Corrections is shutting down prisons and, as a result, my "facility” is being flooded with varying strains of pervert. Full story

2011 Sep 8 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

If You Build Her, You Will Cum

I call my rubber glove/artificial vagina "Suzy" (in some circles, it's called "Fifi") and she loves me 'cause I give her me bone sweet 'n' tender long time. Yeah. Full story

2011 Sep 2 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

A Sample Love Letter from Jail

Hello, my sweet bonerablessed bonerabelle broad. It's late at night and every part of me misses you so dearly, especially my dick. Full story

2011 Aug 25 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Bummerlicious Incarceration

Jail is in the county you got arrested in, and you stay there until you are convicted or acquitted. If you receive longer than a one-year sentence, you go to prison, which is usually called "upstate" in New York. Full story

2011 Aug 18 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Nobody's Taking My Peanut Butter

For some reason, inmates call getting buttfucked “gettin’ your peanut butter taken.” That doesn’t really happen in here, though. Sure, I’ve heard stories about the Booty Bandits who go around raping people and the big diesel homo who knocks guys out in the shower and sucks their… Full story

2011 Aug 5 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Locked Up and Looking for Love: Part 2

Last time on Pen Pals, our prison correspondent Bert Burykill told us about his tribulations a few years ago, when he was perpetually blue-balled while behind bars and desperately writing letters… Full story

2011 Jul 21 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

Locked Up and Looking for Love: Part 1

It is unfathomable to imagine a thirst for female companionship greater than the one some of us suffer in jail. My current bonerable baby claims it’s harder for her out in the real world with a buncha hard dicks recklessly poking around her face and ass areas, but I disagree. Full story

2011 Jul 14 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

A Trip Down Memory Row

Ever since I was a little kid I have loved three things: alcohol, girls, and music. By the time I turned 13 I realized I needed money to get those things, and alcohol quickly became one of a number of substances I was abusing Full story

2011 Jul 9 Bert Burykill Stuff

5

8

PEN PALS

Your VICE.COM feed code:

More From VICE