SKINEMA

Belladonna's Dick Sauce (Animal Style)

My eyes are currently bleeding semen. Each moment they remain open, it feels like vats of acid are being poured into my retinas. The excruciating pain is a direct result of watching porn for the past 12 hours straight. Full story

Gimme a Fucking Break #4

Despite flunking out of six of the most prestigious institutions of higher learning in New Jersey in less than three years, I never got to experience the crazy beach rompfest marinated in cheap beer that is spring break. Full story

Bitches in Uniform

Much like the modern-day hipster with soft hands and manicured nails and the garb of a longshoreman, skateboarders appropriated the style of blue-collar workers two decades ago. Full story

Superman vs. Spider-Man: A Porn Parody

The most successful major motion pictures in recent years have been superhero movies, and the most lucrative pornos over the past five years have been spoofs, so it’s no surprise that there have been a shit-ton of superhero spoofs lately. Full story

No Warning 7: Ambushed

I arrived back home in New Jersey the airport was full of fearful folk running around with their hands above their heads, doing the Steve Martin and screaming, “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” We were 24 hours away from getting ass-raped by Hurricane Sandy. Full story

Baristas

I started taking steroids yesterday as an act of thanks and joyous celebration. I felt it was my duty as a native of New Jersey. Full story

Anal Lessons

Are there scouts in the porn business like in baseball who travel the minor-league circuit looking for the next big star? If so, I think that’s what I’d like to do when I grow up. Full story

The Dark Knight XXX: A Porn Parody

Just as hip-hop died outside the Petersen Automotive Museum in Los Angeles, so did her big beautiful breasts in 1997. I’m no Columbo but I’ve seen a lot of episodes of 'Law & Order,' and I can’t help but wonder if the two crimes are somehow related. Perhaps her baby daddy killed… Full story

Panty Pops

I don’t know a whole lot about religion—aside from the fact that Easter candy is delicious and I thank God for it every April—but I imagine that the feeling that watching Panty Pops gives you, where the subject is so heavy that you just need to take a nap afterward, is what peopl… Full story

Girls Love Girls #4

Before long, Heather is blowing smoke up Madison’s ass (when played in reverse, it looks like Madison shits out smoke. And tells you to kill your parents). Full story

This Ain’t Dracula XXX

This recent fascination with vampires really has got to end already. Full story

California Anal Girls

As a young child I remember being told all girls in Hollywood take it in the ass and not believing it. Then I moved there and confirmed it to be true. I don’t think I had lived in Los Angeles Full story

Buttface

I went to school with a kid named Phil McCracken. I am a big fan of juvenile humor, so you can see why I love this title. Full story

No Warning 6: The Unfair Advantage

If you're going to watch only one hardcore, anal-raping, lesbian-wrestling porno this year, make it "No Warning 6." The hardcore is harder! The anal is more anally! Full story

Vicarious

My life has taken a very strange turn. I have found myself domesticated, with very little contact with the outside world. Full story

Halloween XXX Porn Parody

For starters, I would've hoped that a porno remake of Halloween would've at least had the decency to incorporate the word wiener into the title. Full story

Hot for Teacher

I think I wanted to fuck my fourth-grade teacher. I didn't know what it meant "to fuck" anything back then, but I knew I wanted to do it. Full story

SpontaneASS

So my second son, Christopher James Nieratko III, was born on August 10, 2011 Full story

Kimberly Kane's Been Blackmaled

Fuck me already with all the times I’ve had to plug a Kimberly Kane movie just so I can tell you that at some point in my lifetime VBS will supposedly air my four-part Skinema exposé on Ms. Kane and her sexy exploits. Full story

It Ain't Gonna Suck Itself!

The sad thing about the title of this film is that it’s true; it’s not going to suck itself. Full story

Ass Worship 12

The Tenth Commandment clearly states, “Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife,” so I’m pretty sure me wanting to fuck my friend Matt’s wife is totally kosher because they live outside San Francisco, nowhere near me. Full story

Driller

We are quickly approaching the two-year mark of me not giving a shit that Michael Jackson is dead. Next year will be exactly 30 years since Thriller was released, the last time I slightly cared about him. Full story

Meet the Nieratkos - Skinema: Year 3

Ever see Hearts of Darkness? The documentary Coppola’s wife made about the nightmare that was the making of Apocolypse Now? Well, I’m hoping my wife makes one for me about the horror of making my silly little porn show, Skinema, for VBS. I’ll play the fat Brando… Full story

Hose Hoes' 2

Cover model and professional butt licker Julia Ann reminds me of my wife. (Not that my wife hangs off black curtain rods and licks butts.) Full story

Joanna's Angels 3: Douchebag Resurrection

What could be sadder than a bunch of awkward and insecure porn fans leering at girls from a distance at a convention in Vegas? Full story

Hole in the Wall

I hate zany fonts. Those fonts that are CRAZY pictures of people puking or having sex while forming a letter are the worst, especially when people try to use them at 10 or 12 point; you can't even make out what they are. Full story

The Mommy X-Perience

Strange things happen to a woman’s vagina after a human slides out of it, aside from the obvious stretching and tearing. Full story

Debbie Duz Dishes Again

Does life imitate porn? Or does porn imitate life? I ask only because for the past eight months since my son was born I have been starring in a porno. Full story

Jersey Shore XXX: A Porn Parody

I hope they don't kick me out of Jersey for saying this but I've always hated the Jersey Shore. Full story

Fuck Face

I have a weird friend. I don't know her name. I guess "friend" might be a slight overstatement. She is a ginger with extremely curly hair. Full story

Belladonna's Ass Wide Open

I hope I’m not ruining the plot of Ass Wide Open for anyone by saying there’s a lot of anal sex in this film.

If this is a remake of that Kubrick film then I don't see the resemblance between the cover model, Bobbi Starr, and Nicole Kidman. Full story

Raw 2

This movie is genius! This is not porn - this is art. No. Wait. Art doesn't make money. This is sexual capitalism at its finest. Full story

LA Pink

If it appears I am unfairly reviewing more Burning Angel videos than other company’s pornos, you would be correct. Joanna Angel is no dummy. She pays me with blowjobs. Full story

John Wayne Bobbitt Uncut

Remember last year when Lorena Bobbitt cut off her husband’s penis? The news sent a shock wave through the misogynist community like a frickin’ A-bomb. Full story

This Ain't Star Trek

God, I fucking hate remakes (both porno and mainstream). It says a lot about the intellect of our Hollywood writers when the best they can come up with is to make G.I. Joe Full story

We Yum Yum Cum

I hate when people speak to their kids in baby talk. It’s annoying. Then people wonder why their kids turn out to be mental midgets with no social grace and an inability to function in the real world. Full story

It's Sunny In Brazil

A bunch of my friends are pro skaters from Brazil and they’re always telling me the craziest stories from their childhoods of murder, drug mules, and prostitution. Full story

Karaoke Terrorist

Two Thanksgivings ago me and the Mrs. went to Hawaii with the Red Bull Skateboard team. Each night we went to the karaoke bar at the hotel next door and sang like we were trying to get on American Idol. Ron Deily impersonated everyone he sang, which was mostly Bruce Springsteen. Full story

Great Sex During Pregnancy

Can you do me a favor? Pretend like you didn't see the picture above and when I ask you to guess what my wiener put inside my wife's guts, just say, "I don't know, what?" Full story

Lonnie's Poop Shoot

Well, seems I missed a week or two somehow. I didn’t really notice but my email was ringing off the hook from headquarters demanding my next slice of Pullitizimo. Full story

Live in My Secrets

I'm working on a new VBS show called Sexy Slumber Party in which I have sexy slumber parties with naked porn stars and we have popcorn and girl talk until they start to cry. Full story

Poopy

I've contracted some sort of AIDS as a result of bad sausage. Usually sausage doesn’t agree with me but it has never tried to kill me before. Full story

Airplane! - Is the Greatest Movie of All Time

The day before I flew to LA last month an airplane went down in the Hudson River as I was working at our NJ Skateshop in Hoboken, NJ. I ran over and watched the rescue efforts. I wanted to vomit. I hate flying and it made me want to cancel my LA trip. Full story

You Should Meet Lonnie (Update: Now With Videos)

You should meet Lonnie, my wife's retarded uncle (literally). He is the absolute best dude on the planet. He looks like Andre the Giant, and although I've never met Andre I'd wager Lonnie's brut strength rivals that of the Giant. Full story

The Nieratkos Go To LA

Hello, my name is Chris Nieratko. You might know me from such films as Skinema: Love on the Rocks or My Wife’s Mouth Will Not Get Pregnant. Or you may not. Full story

Discovering Alexis Texas

A year or two ago, Vice sent me around the country to promote my book, Skinema, and one of the stops was in Austin, Texas, at the largest bookstore in the state. Full story

Gapeman

Fuck. Google this DVD and look at the back cover. You can't handle the back cover! It made me want to vomit into my laptop. Dead center there is a photo of what my friends affectionately refer to as a “pink sock.” Full story

Hog-O-Ween Recap

Chris Nieratko's uncle-in-law Lonnie may be the hardest HOG*-afflicted partier we know. At this year's Halloween party at the local Elks Lodge he was both the bestly-costumed participant in the parade and the last man standing on the dancefloor. Full story

This Ain't the Munsters XXX

I don't like scary movies--they scare me. I was seeing a therapist once for it but it all seemed like a big waste of time. I felt like he wasn't listening to me. He was always texting. Full story

Cum On My Tattoos 4

Vice: Hi, boss lady.
Joanna Angel: I thought we were going to be able to do this legally. Full story

Black Power 3

I've always dreamed of having Black Power because I think it would be awesome to be able to dunk a basketball. Full story

Chesty Preggos

You want to know what the best part about a dead baby is? No dirty diapers. No diapers at all really. No money spent on formula. No painting bedrooms pink or blue. Full story

Latina Grande

This DVD was shot entirely in Peru, which I believe is in the northern part of Mexico, but I'm not very good at geometry so I can't be totally certain. Full story

Amy Fisher / Joey Buttafuoco Caught On Tape

How was your weekend? Mine was shitty. Me and my wife went down with the flu for two weeks and were running 102 fevers, bedridden, and about to tear each other's heads off. Full story

She's Ready to Pop

I recently got an email from a friend I hadn’t spoken to in many years. I actually nearly forgot we were ever friends because during the time in my life we were friends I was out to lunch on goofballs. Full story

Love Squirts

I don’t trust that my wife truly loves me. The entire relationship seems suspect to me. I often question what her ulterior motives are. I mean, have you seen what she looks like? Stunning. Then I must ask, have you seen what I look like? Full story

Dark Meat

Do you know Belladonna? She’s fantastic. She’s like the David Copperfield of porn—she can make anything, and I mean ANYTHING, disappear up her ass. Full story

Voluptuous Life

My wife of nearly two years is cheating on me. I am quite certain of it. I am not a jealous man nor am I a brute or a fool. Full story

Give Me Ryan's Car

Ryan and I are complete opposites: He's young, I'm old. He's skinny, I'm fat. I cannot 360 flip lipslide a rail, BUT I already found a chill girl. So I'm one step ahead of him in that department. Full story

Curious

One thing I’ve been rather curious about lately is how much exactly is it to buy a kid from some third world country. I’ve heard anywhere from $40,000 to $80,000. Full story

Triple Ecstasy

So I made friends with a porn star. Her name is Kimberly Kane. It’s pretty awesome. She comes over for dinner twice a week and wears nothing but heels. Full story

The XXXorcist

Have you ever felt real disappointment in your life? I have, at the hands of my wife. Last year she threw me a surprise 40th birthday party with all my friends and family in attendance. Full story

Slime Ballin'

This is weird. Without consciously doing it I have been removing my wedding ring before I masturbate. I’m not certain when it started or why, but I began noticing it a few weeks back. Full story

Barely Legal Corrupted #8

There’s a chance that as I type this my wife might be pregnant. Despite what I may have told you before about being eager to have a child, I’m considering asking her to get an abortion. Full story

Yo Mamma’s a Freak 2

I think I mentioned to you that my wife, Crissie, after 16 years, stopped taking the Pill on Valentine's Day 2007. Full story

Sprung A Leak 2

I am by no means a rich man. This Skinema book that’s just come out has put some money in my pocket, but not much—barely enough to repave my driveway. Full story

Sperm Sponges Vol. I

Can someone tell me how contraceptive sponges work? Full story

Assraelis: Israeli Erotica

I’m a big fan of war. What can I say? I’m an asshole. Full story

Fashionistas Safado - The Challenge

Let me just start by telling you that Fashionistas has already been made into a full-scale Las Vegas production that’s been running since 2004 at the Aladdin, so you can go ahead and cross that idea off your to-do list. Full story

Condoms

Fuck a condom. I hate condoms. Always have. I have an allergic reaction to them: The mere sight of them makes me go limp. Full story

I Was A Crip ... Sort Of

I'm pretty sure I was a member of the blue-wearing gang, the Crips, from 2001 to 2002. I was on a lot of drugs then and have a piss poor recollection of all things, but I got a good feeling I was in the gang. Full story

Ass Worship 8

See that brunette in the upper left named Lanny Barbie? She bares a striking resemblance to a friend of mine named Sarah from Maui. Full story

The Tom Sizemore Sex Scandal

Do you know why Tom Sizemore will go down in history as one of America’s finest actors? It’s because he refuses to be typecast and he’s not afraid to commit to a role. Full story

Wild on X

What's up with black people being all into Ecstasy lately? Full story

Honey, We Blew Up Your Pussy

Hands down, this is the greatest DVD ever made! It is so amazingly retarded that it pushes the boundaries of what is awesome. Full story

Belladonna's Fucking Girls Again

Do you know why people love buffets aside from being retardedly inexpensive, all-you-can-gorge glutton fests? It's that they have a little something for everyone. Full story

Skinema

Dear Reader, does your lifestyle require that you drink Pabst Blue Ribbon and have tattoos of anchors? Does your peer group expect you to wear Dickies or unwashed Levi’s with clever t-shirts? Full story

Head Master Vol. 1

I was an altar boy for many years and sadly I was never molested. I feel cheated. Full story

Wild On Sex Vol. 3

The box cover says "Shot on location in Montreal, Canada, with the nastiest lesbos ever!" but I think they mean the other kind of nasty. Full story

Fucking Assholes #4

I saw the gym Nazi again today. I smiled and waved hello as he jogged on the treadmill. It drove him to run faster. I giggled like a little girl. Full story

Skinema

I fear if I kept my eyes closed entirely, I might walk right into someone's dick. Full story

Skate Trixxx 2

I love skateboarding and I love porn. I also love bacon and ice cream, just not at the same time. If I want to watch good skateboarding, I’ll pop in Video Days, but I want my pornos chock full of sex. Full story

Flesh Hunter

I’ve been fucking Christina Aguilera for almost two weeks now, and although she won’t let me stick it in her ass I must say she’s pretty good in the sack. For a white chick. Full story

Body Slam Vol. 1

"Hey, baby. You want to wrestle?" That’s been my pick-up line for years, and it totally works. That line is actually what seduced my current girlfriend. Full story

Cool Devices 04-05

As a few friends and I sat watching an innocent-looking young girl being tied up, whipped and sodomized, we began debating the relationship between repressed, orderly societies and the ensuing pornography they produce. While some of us pointed out that extreme films get produced Full story

Super Freaks 10

When I was in high school I wanted nothing more in this world than to be black. I did just about everything I could to make that dream come true. Full story

Shave Dat Nappy Thang!!

I’ve detested body hair for as long as I can remember. I believe it might stem from the fact that when all my friends were growing beards and moustaches in high school my face was still completely bald. Full story

Silvia Exposed

Most people have friends that try to protect them when they’re drunk from the evils of this world such as fights, police and ugly people. My friends, though, are all assholes. Full story

Girls Who Puke

Working for Larry Flynt allows me to access all genres of porn, even bottom of the barrel shit like Girls Who Puke, which, although not even slightly erotic, holds a special place in my heart. Full story

Welcum To Chloeville 2

I’ve been watching a lot of VH1’s Behind the Music lately and drinking straight Tequila. Sometimes, after eating the worm, I begin to imagine how my Behind The Music would be laid out. Full story

The Matador Series

I just recently read Hunter S. Thompson’s book Hell’s Angels, which talks all about the exploits of the infamous biker gang in the late 60s. Full story

Deep Porn

Pornography and decent music finally come together on Deep Porn, a nineteen-track compilation of beats meets teets where producers like Brother Marquis of 2 Live Crew, DJ Godfather and George Clinton sample porn stars like Rebecca Lord, Gina Ryder and Midori. Full story