• BBQ TitMasters

    For years I've wanted to make a barbecue-themed porn flick, and now Joanna Angel has completely ripped me off. This blatant plagiarism will not stand!

  • Sex Crimes

    When I was 19, I had a casual Mrs. Robinson thing going on with a wonderful woman in her 40s from Easton, Pennsylvania, home of Crayola crayons. Over the course of our relationship I got to know some of her younger friends who skated, and we’d often hit up the now defunct Shimerv…

  • 9½ Weeks: An Erotic XXX Parody

    A good buddy I grew up skateboarding with just had his penis surgically removed, and Mickey Rourke made him do it. As kids there was no one we wanted to be more than The Pope of Greenwich Village– and 9½ Weeks–era Mickey Rourke.

  • The Lost Tapes 3

    The spring of 2000 was a different time. It was an age of innocence before George W. Bush destroyed humanity and before one could watch pornography on a cell phone in an airplane bathroom to calm in-flight nerves.

  • The Walking Dead: A Hardcore Parody

    The tagline for this Walking Dead porno parody is “A jizz shot was the only sure-fire way to return these undead creatures to the grave!” It reminds me of some advice I was given in my youth on how to avoid impregnating girls: “You can’t get a mouth pregnant.”

  • Dress-Up Dolls

    Regardless of how much I enjoy sporting a Hitler mustache and making jokes at the expense of old Hitzy, there was never a time when I was mildly interested in the KKK, even for comedic value; I hate white people just as much as the next guy.

  • Strapped for Teacher #03

    Judging from the variety of pornographic storytelling I’ve closely examined and reviewed over the years, a lot of romances spark in the schoolhouse. I’ve always thought PTA meetings would be a good place to creep out on hot MILFs.

  • Brazil Xposed

    The biggest scam in Rio de Janeiro is that the sexy topless prostitutes shaking their boobs and butts at you on the street corners are actually men. Or were men. Now she-men. But goddamn if they aren’t convincing.

  • MILFs Anal Addiction

    There are people who are cursed with incurable diseases, missing limbs, small penises… I feel no pity for them because my curse is far worse than anything found in a medical encyclopedia. My curse is that I’m never seated next to a beautiful woman on an airplane.

  • One-Night Stands

    Not one day passes that I don’t crave the open air of a strange and new place, wanting to find myself in inexplicable predicaments on foreign soil and barely escaping with my life.

  • Babysit My Ass

    In April, after a battery of tests, at age three and a half, my firstborn son was diagnosed on the autism spectrum. I should have realized something was up when he lined 34 pancake bites across his highchair tray equidistant apart from each other in a straight line.

  • Obedience School

    Have you ever tried to mop up the floodwaters of a squirter? FEMA and the Red Cross combined would be ill-equipped to handle the task; there just aren’t enough sandbags on earth to hold back those tides. Hurricane Sandy’s aftermath was nothing compared with a female ejaculator…

  • Belladonna's Dick Sauce (Animal Style)

    My eyes are currently bleeding semen. Each moment they remain open, it feels like vats of acid are being poured into my retinas. The excruciating pain is a direct result of watching porn for the past 12 hours straight.

  • Gimme a Fucking Break #4

    Despite flunking out of six of the most prestigious institutions of higher learning in New Jersey in less than three years, I never got to experience the crazy beach rompfest marinated in cheap beer that is spring break.

  • Bitches in Uniform

    Much like the modern-day hipster with soft hands and manicured nails and the garb of a longshoreman, skateboarders appropriated the style of blue-collar workers two decades ago.

  • Superman vs. Spider-Man: A Porn Parody

    The most successful major motion pictures in recent years have been superhero movies, and the most lucrative pornos over the past five years have been spoofs, so it’s no surprise that there have been a shit-ton of superhero spoofs lately.

  • No Warning 7: Ambushed

    I arrived back home in New Jersey the airport was full of fearful folk running around with their hands above their heads, doing the Steve Martin and screaming, “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” We were 24 hours away from getting ass-raped by Hurricane Sandy.

  • Baristas

    I started taking steroids yesterday as an act of thanks and joyous celebration. I felt it was my duty as a native of New Jersey.

  • Anal Lessons

    Are there scouts in the porn business like in baseball who travel the minor-league circuit looking for the next big star? If so, I think that’s what I’d like to do when I grow up.

  • The Dark Knight XXX: A Porn Parody

    Just as hip-hop died outside the Petersen Automotive Museum in Los Angeles, so did her big beautiful breasts in 1997. I’m no Columbo but I’ve seen a lot of episodes of 'Law & Order,' and I can’t help but wonder if the two crimes are somehow related. Perhaps her baby daddy killed…

  • Panty Pops

    I don’t know a whole lot about religion—aside from the fact that Easter candy is delicious and I thank God for it every April—but I imagine that the feeling that watching Panty Pops gives you, where the subject is so heavy that you just need to take a nap afterward, is what peopl…

  • Girls Love Girls #4

    Before long, Heather is blowing smoke up Madison’s ass (when played in reverse, it looks like Madison shits out smoke. And tells you to kill your parents).

  • This Ain’t Dracula XXX

    This recent fascination with vampires really has got to end already.

  • California Anal Girls

    As a young child I remember being told all girls in Hollywood take it in the ass and not believing it. Then I moved there and confirmed it to be true. I don’t think I had lived in Los Angeles

  • Buttface

    I went to school with a kid named Phil McCracken. I am a big fan of juvenile humor, so you can see why I love this title.

  • No Warning 6: The Unfair Advantage

    If you're going to watch only one hardcore, anal-raping, lesbian-wrestling porno this year, make it "No Warning 6." The hardcore is harder! The anal is more anally!

  • Vicarious

    My life has taken a very strange turn. I have found myself domesticated, with very little contact with the outside world.

  • Halloween XXX Porn Parody

    For starters, I would've hoped that a porno remake of Halloween would've at least had the decency to incorporate the word wiener into the title.

  • Hot for Teacher

    I think I wanted to fuck my fourth-grade teacher. I didn't know what it meant "to fuck" anything back then, but I knew I wanted to do it.

  • SpontaneASS

    So my second son, Christopher James Nieratko III, was born on August 10, 2011