• Pocket Sex

    Ever have someone pocket dial you? It’s usually one of your female friends, and then you’ll get that callback later like, “Omg! I can’t believe I pocket dialed you! Imagine if I was like having sex or something?” And you both laugh because that would be so unlikely and so absurd…

  • Happy Fucking Holidays

    I have been very fortunate to not have to deal with many holiday parties throughout my tenure in the music industry. When I worked in corporate America, it was that night the whores in the office got to escape their husbands and give the guys in the Payroll Department “ironic” la…

  • A Nigerian Prince and His Homeless Friends

    As I leave his block, a policeman waves my car to the side of the road. Oh good. He comes up to my car and knocks on the window to get out of the car. Then he flashes his badge. Having cops in my family, I know that the first thing you do is check a cop’s badge number. His badge…

  • Boy Band, Manly Erection

    I look down and he’s got a massive erection. My eyes are glassy but manage to zoom in on his saluting soldier and he looks down and says, “See that? That’s called medicine.”

  • A-Hole in a K-Hole

    “Oh hey remember that time I tripped and fell into a K-Hole?” OK, given the vernacular that might make sense to someone on drugs, but to me it didn’t.

  • Bring It on, Bitch

    “Well, I’m actually a really big fan of cheerleading (that’s a subject?), would you like to hear a cheer?” I didn’t exactly have a choice, because she proceeded to “cheer” the lyrics to her single. “Isn’t that your song?” I asked. “It sure is! Yay!”

  • The Chickenhead Convention

    "Yo! Don’t you pay attention to directions? The Chickenhead Convention is THAT WAY,” pointing in the way of the other room. The group members start clucking, high fiving each other and laughing."