Surprise, Jared Kushner’s Book Sounds Like Complete Dogshit

Will it shock you to learn that Jared Kushner—fixer of the Middle East, coronavirus researcher, the human embodiment of nepotism—apparently wrote one of the worst political memoirs in recent memory?

Kushner’s new book, Breaking History, doesn’t come out until Tuesday, but Kushner was pilloried by the New York Times Wednesday for the book’s “thoroughgoing lack of self-awareness” in a truly brutal review of his “soulless” book about his very privileged life, including his years spent as a top adviser to his father-in-law on the Trump campaign and in the White House. 

Though “political memoir” is well-known to be a cursed genre, Kushner’s book—which was written by a ghostwriter, of course—appears to be particularly vapid. Reviewer Dwight Garner described the tone of the book as “college admissions essay,” such as in this sentence: “In an environment of maximum pressure, I learned to ignore the noise and distractions and instead to push for results that would improve lives.”

Excerpts previously posted online feature illuminating insights like this one, about Fox News’ call of Arizona for Biden in 2020: “The shocking projection brought our momentum to a screeching halt.”

The Times also pointed out that Kushner repeatedly cites praise he received from colleagues, such as: “It’s really not fair how the press is beating you up. You made a very positive contribution,” and “People complain about nepotism—I’m the one who got the steal here.” Very convincing!

Though the book clocks in at a concise 512 pages—look at Karl Ove Kushner over here—it’s weirdly thin on the details of Jan. 6, according to the Times. “He mostly sidesteps talking about spurious claims of election fraud,” Garner writes. “He seems to have no beliefs beyond carefully managed appearances and the art of the deal. He wants to stay on top of things, this manager, but doesn’t want to get to the bottom of anything.”

Even still, “Kushner’s fealty to Trump remains absolute,” according to Garner, who chose an especially gross analogy to describe that fealty: “Reading this book reminded me of watching a cat lick a dog’s eye goo.”

Incredibly, this book is currently Amazon’s #3 bestseller in the “International Diplomacy” category, ahead of two different versions of Machiavelli’s The Prince. It remains to be seen if Breaking History will also be taught in high school government classes 500 years from now. 

It’s unclear if he’s seen the review, but on Wednesday, Kushner—whose Twitter bio describes him as a “Husband, Father, Mets Fan”—posted what appears to be his first tweet since he joined the site in 2009. It is, of course, a message to his adoring fans. 

“It was the honor of my life to serve the American people under President Trump for 4 years,” Kushner says in the tweet, which is a photo of words with his signature. “Excited to share more about my time in the White House.”

Whether anyone’s excited to read about it, however, is another story.

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