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      Ben Johnson

      Ben Johnson is perfectly aware that he is an idiot. Wants you to know it. Wants to get that out in the open. This guy is an idiot. Never forget. Also: Chicagoan, native Marylander, recovering comedian, active misanthrope, borderline Agoraphobe. But mostly idiot.

      By Ben Johnson Mar 7, 2013

      Help! I’ve Been Trolled!

      My heart is blackened, full of rage, and it is pacing, staring out of my rib cage with vengeance-lit eyes like a newly captured tiger. I want blood. Because I read something stupid. Something has to be done.

      By Ben Johnson Mar 7, 2013
      By Ben Johnson Mar 6, 2013

      I Might Have Horrible Taste in Music

      Normal human beings don't do things like investigate the feminist implications of Rihanna just because. Normal human beings hear "Titanium" and either go "oh good" or "change it," and that decision happens in less than three seconds, and that's more than…

      By Ben Johnson Mar 6, 2013
      By Ben Johnson Feb 22, 2013

      Your Scene Is Cashed

      All this work and striving and grief is background to a "thing on the internet that rifled around the world and was forgotten forever in a matter of hours," which is EVERYTHING FROM NOW ON.

      By Ben Johnson Feb 22, 2013
      By Ben Johnson Feb 20, 2013

      On the Good Ship Lollipoop

      Media coverage of the Carnival Cruise Ship Triumph's recent ill-fated voyage, which ended in sewage-logged ignominy in Mobile, Alabama last week, says a lot about America's state of mind.

      By Ben Johnson Feb 20, 2013
      By Ben Johnson Feb 5, 2013

      TXTPAL Has My Identity Now

      In what I'm sure is a stupid move, I agreed to join TXTPALS. The idea of it is they set you up with a text-message pen pal, but really they probably just want to sell your cell phone number to whoever wants it. So I'm looking forward to getting text messa…

      By Ben Johnson Feb 5, 2013
      By Ben Johnson Jan 31, 2013

      Why Non-Alcoholic Beer Is the Best Kind

      I haven't had any alcohol for a year. I'm not sure I can recommend sobriety for everybody, but it did OK things for me. I don't blame my problems on other people as much. I can finish a higher percentage of the things I start. If I don't like something, I…

      By Ben Johnson Jan 31, 2013
      By Ben Johnson Jan 22, 2013

      Television’s Last President

      Before we finally give up the ghost on the idea of a group of people being bound together by anything like a "nation," our collective unconscious is firing its neurons at a decelerating pace. The internet is currently teaching us that our mass culture is…

      By Ben Johnson Jan 22, 2013
      By Ben Johnson Jan 19, 2013

      So Far Inside We’re Already Dead

      The other night I hosted a comedy show booked last minute from a roaming cell phone in the passenger seat of a 1996 Honda Accord with Maryland plates. The venue was an abandoned Polish bar rumored to have previously been used by human traffickers in an ar…

      By Ben Johnson Jan 19, 2013
      By Ben Johnson Jan 16, 2013

      That's One Way to Get A(head)

      For every zany local news story there's an unreported human side. For example: when 18 improperly documented human heads arrived at O'Hare International Airport in Chicago in December, packed into blue coolers that had been a part of the cargo of a Luftha…

      By Ben Johnson Jan 16, 2013
      By Ben Johnson Jan 16, 2013

      Science Fiction Is Sapping My Will to Live

      So not too long ago I decided to get really into science fiction books because I hate leaving the house because there's people out there, and they scare me, and it's January in Chicago where I live. I cannot recommend enough that you avoid this entire gen…

      By Ben Johnson Jan 16, 2013
      By Ben Johnson Jan 11, 2013

      I Am Brimming With Enthusiasm!!!!!

      Thanks so much!!!! Your prompt response is appreciated!!!! I am glad you responded so quickly!! I'm sure this year's event will be even better than last year's!!!!!! I hope you're ready for some PIZZA and KARAOKE!!! I know you are!! LOLOLOL!!!!!!

      By Ben Johnson Jan 11, 2013