A Christmas Message From Tony Abbott

It's Christmas time in Australia! A glorious, welcoming time when people of all religions, all members of our secular society, come together to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.

Because I love Australia, I decided to get you a whole new cabinet. I made it myself! It wasn't easy. Lots of chopping and sanding and hammering and tortured metaphors. And speaking of torture, let's begin with Scott Morrison.

Scott Morrison, Social Services: Scott had a tough job stopping the boats, but he was able to stop the boats without ever falling into the trap of not stopping the boats. Boats. He copped a lot of criticism, and in his treatment of asylum seekers, many claimed that he was taking political advantage of a group of severely disadvantaged people. That gave me an idea: let's move him to social services! It gives Scott a chance to continue with his main passion (treading on the downtrodden) and rewards his superlative work in the immigration portfolio with what is clearly a demotion.

Sussan Ley, Health: I am delighted to announce I am doubling the number of women in the Cabinet. But I must stress that Sussan got this position on merit. I know I haven't said this about any of the other promotions, but it speaks volumes of my respect for Sussan and women in general that I should defend "merit" in this case alone. Also, it was tricky for Peter Dutton to talk health with Shadow Minister For Health Catherine King, because lady health issues are a bit of a mystery. Hopefully Sussan will be able to deal with it. Merit.

Peter Dutton, Immigration: Peter Dutton was moved to Immigration when it became clear his Health portfolio was at risk. For the sake of Health, he could no longer stay where he was. We immediately shipped Peter to a new Portfolio, one that would provide greater opportunities to him and his family. And sure, there was a queue for the Immigration portfolio, but we felt it was necessary to jump him. We view the portfolio as a special kind of island, and to mark this special time of year, I felt it necessary to move Peter to this Christmas island.

Kevin Andrews, Defence: With David Johnston off on his canoeing trip, we needed a new Defence Minister. I've been very focused on avoiding conflicts of interest, ensuring that each member of the Cabinet had no previous interest at all in his or her or, if we're honest, his portfolio. That's why Scott Morrison got Social Services and I became Minister For Women. So it made sense to put Kevin Andrews in Defence, given he once declared he had "no interest in defence issues". I understand that many in the ADF have seized upon this quote to criticise this appointment, which Kevin claims he has no memory of. He's coming off as pretty defensive, which just means he's off to a great start.

Ian Macfarlane, Science: I am very excited to announce the triumphant return of science. Science disappeared for a year (source: all Coalition policies), but when it returned, we quickly added it to Macfarlane's portfolio. Of course, it was always there, we just didn't have it in his title. Like I said the other day, "I have decided to state in words what I thought was always so obvious so it was obvious for everyone". Essentially, it's your fault for not getting that Science is everywhere. I would have thought Scientists would understand that, but maybe they're not as smart as they think. I look forward to Macfarlane working on the Government's science policies, which at the moment just means firing more people from the CSIRO.

Christopher Pyne, Education: Christopher Pyne – or, as his closest colleagues have come to know him, Christopher Pyne – isn't moving out of the Education portfolio, but he has requested that instead of being the Minister for Education, he now becomes the Sinister For Education. As it didn't require too much effort to change the stationary, I said fine. Christopher cackled and removed the curse he'd placed on Frances.

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Our first full year in Government wasn't as smooth as it could have been, but I am excited about 2015. We're going to make the budget a slightly paler shade of red, and part of that means ensuring that the mining boom never ends. It's exactly why I said at the opening of a new coal mine two months ago, that coal is good for humanity. I believe that coal is the future, the power of the 21st century, the foundation for prosperity.

With the help of this government, every Australian citizen will receive a giant lump of coal in their stockings this December. Merry Christmas.

Follow Lee on Twitter: @leezachariah