I don’t like jacking dudes off. I’ve learned, from jacking off quite a few different dudes, that every guy likes to be jacked off slightly differently. Moreover, each time I give a guy a tug, I’m pitting my dick pulling technique against the one person who has beaten that dick senseless for around 20 years (give or take)—the dude the dick is attached to.
Admittedly, wanking a guy isn’t hard, and generally once he’s shown you what he likes it’s fairly easy to continue the motion (hint: it’s very, very repetitive). Technique can be taught and learned, but at the end of the day you’re just never going to one-up the cock’s master, which is probably why God invented blow jobs.
Palming off a guy is only mildly intimidating, so I can only imagine how terrifying it must be for a bloke to finger a girl--the differences between vaginas and feminine preference is vaster and more overwhelming than that of penises (from my experience at least). Plus women have all these ancillary bits all up in there, whereas with guys it’s pretty obvious exactly where the boner is (if you can’t work it out meet me behind the bike sheds after school, I need to show you some stuff).
I can’t tell you dudes exactly what to do to elevate your next finger bang to finger blast, but I can tell you what most females on earth wouldn’t willingly want done to her precious little crotch origami. Listen up.
CUT YOUR DAMN FINGERNAILS
Take your finger. Put it inside your mouth. Run it against the inner wall of your cheek. Can you feel that? Now, imagine that feeling inside your pee hole.
Do us all a favor and cut your damn nails; we don’t give a shit about your guitar playing or your band or whatever dumb reason you made up because you’re simply a lazy filthy pig that can’t be arsed to cut his nails. There is nothing sexy about a woman having the inner walls of her vagina scratched up by a dude’s Rihanna-style talons.
DON’T MISS THE CLIT
I feel like that’s a really obvious no-no but I guess a lot of guys just weren’t paying attention in sex ed class or when their last girlfriend gave them a road map to her va-jay or when they’ve had their hand grabbed and put in a VERY SPECIFIC SPOT ON THE FEMALE BODY. I think I can speak for a general majority of women when I say it makes us feel like we’re 15 when a dude is furiously rubbing areas nowhere near the vicinity of our clitorises. Or it totally freaks us out because we start thinking things like, “Maybe he wasn’t even going for the clit. Maybe he just really likes that part of my inner thigh.”
When a girl shows you what to do, it’s because she likes it, and more likely than not because she thought what you were doing before was fucking shit. Now—and this part is important—when the girl stops showing you what to do so she can lay back and relax while she gets that good finger wiggles, DO NOT IMMEDIATELY REVERT TO THAT SHIT THING YOU WERE DOING BEFORE. YOU ARE NOT RIGHT. YOU ARE NEVER RIGHT.
ASK BEFORE YOU TRY TO SLIP ONE IN THE STINK
Just because you’ve got a finger in one hole doesn’t mean you’re welcome to put one in the other. It might surprise you, but anal fingering isn’t every woman’s preference. And even if it’s her preference one day, it might not be the next. Ask before you do butt stuff.
YOU’RE NOT UNCLOGGING A TOILET
I blame porn almost entirely for this one motion every dude seems to have in his bag of tricks (note: if a sex thing can be described as a “trick” is definitely something you should never, ever do). It normally happens when I’m at my horniest, just dying to have something, anything, in me after enjoying some “heavy petting.” So in the finger goes, and suddenly, after all the sexy, subtle, nipple pinching and dry humping, I feel like a toilet that’s being violently plunged. Going in and out really fast might feel nice on your dick, and I might not speak for all women when I say this, but the feeling of being penetrated with the kind of friction-creating speed normally reserved for starting a fire with sticks is not a very sexy thing.
YOU’RE NOT RUBBING IN LOTION EITHER
Rubbing circles on my labia with the palm of your hand feels exactly the same as it does when I rub in lotion for thrush or post-wax soothing cream, i.e. not hot, kind of utilitarian.
DON’T SLAP THE BEAN
Is this another porn thing? Because I’ve never, ever enjoyed a dude stopping mid-diddle to slap my vagina with his flattened palm. Sometimes it’s just one big slap, and other times there are several short, fast ones, sort of like trying to put out the fire he started from the very fast plugging (above). Am I missing something here? Is it weird that I don’t like having my vagina hit mid foreplay? I mean, if someone can explain the benefits of this, I’m all ears.
DON’T SUCK YOUR FINGERS
Maybe there’s a movie where someone super hot like Michelle Pfeiffer licks her fingers while seductively eyeballing Batman or whoever, but the male form, for the most part, isn’t designed for finger licking and bedroom eyes. It just looks sort of trite and forced, and inspires this sense of foreboding like something very, very terrible and unsexy is about to happen, like the bit in American Pie where Jason Biggs does the striptease.
FINGER BLAST WHEN YOU’RE EATING
When you’ve got your face nose deep in pussy, chuck one inside and use your free hand to squeeze a nipple. You won’t be disappointed. And by you, I mean me.
Previously: Rubbing One Out with a Roommate