Every Way a Fart Has Affected My Life

Last night, after my workday had ended, I was conversing with a friend about how sometimes I really get the urge to write about more serious and respectable subjects, such as poetry, home decorating, fine literature, gender studies, and health/fitness. "I'm an adult woman," I said to my friend. "I shouldn't still be writing about finger banging hot sluts, record albums, and general nonsense all the time." Flash forward to around roughly 12:15 AM, where I'm laying in bed using my phone to send myself an email with the subject "Every way a fart."

I've been bothered by bodily functions my whole life. I think this has something to do with the fact that my mom's a nurse and would sometimes put suppositories in my butt for no reason. I actively try to never make noise when I eat, never leave any sort of bad smell, never act like I might have to poop, and for fuck's sake—never fart. One time in high school my best friend and I were at a show and each had to pee at the same time, which happens, so we ended up in side by side stalls. I have since been best friends with this girl now for 20 years, and to this day, whenever she brings up the fact that she heard the smallest of small butt air noises escape from me that night, I want to punch her in the hair.

The last girl I dated for more than five seconds randomly said once, while we were laying in bed, "I'm really worried about the first time I hear you fart, because I know it'll be really upsetting for you." Then she asked me if I wanted to hear her fart, and if it would make me feel better, and I literally almost asked her to leave and go home. Basically, don't fart, or act like you might have to fart, or else I won't like you anymore.

After thinking about all of this for a while, I started replaying in my mind all the different times that my life has been affected by a fart, and there are actually quite a few. Here, have a seat on my lap and I'll tell you all about them.

When I was little, one of my favorite things to do was go to the library. It still is. Back then, my mom would take me to the library for hours, because we had a shitty relationship and didn't really have anything else to say or do with one another, so that's the best place we could go where it was an actual rule to be silent, and wander off on your own. My mom would flutter over toward the racks of books about serial killers, and I'd get lost in the colorful rows of Nancy Drew books. One warm afternoon, I was finishing up my selection of books to take over to the check-out desk, when I was overcome with the need to fart. I did a complete scan of my surrounding area, and didn't see anyone. I assumed that I could release the pent up gas from my small body without making a noise, but what ended up escaping my butt sounded like the full honk of an angry goose. I burst into tears and ran to the parking lot, leaving my books behind with my fart.

One time, while I was still living with my parents, the three of us were sitting in the living room watching The Simpsons. My dad was in his recliner, I was stretched out on the couch, and my mom had snoozed off while sitting in her reading chair. At some point during the show, my mom let out a little sleep fart and my eyes shot over to my dad like, "What are we gonna do about this?" My dad made a little clicking noise that implied he thought it was cute, or no big deal, but I turned back towards my sleeping mom and glared, thinking, "You sicken me."

My senior year of high school, I dated this really hot Mormon girl named Noelle. She had huge boobs, long brown hair like one of those girls who loves to brush horses, and was bat-shit insane. One night she was over at my house and we were messing around in my room. We kissed for a long time, and then she climed on top of me and rested her boobies on my upper chest, which is my favorite thing to ever happen, ever. I mean, think of that view, and how it never gets old. So she's sort of just laying there giving me sex eye, and then out of nowhere she rips out this massive fart. My eyes welled up with tears a little bit because I was so mortified for the both of us, and then, because she was hating her life and what just happened with her butt, she did that thing where she pretended to be randomly mad and was like, "That one was for you." I don't even remember what happened next, because I probably blacked out.

Also during my senior year of high school, I dated this guy named Jim who was a rockabilly guy and we were making out in my friend Matt's bathroom and he farted. I made this face that suggested he better watch his step, because as it was, I didn't even like guys anyway, and he said "Sorry, I beeped." BEEPED!!!! Ewwwww, forever.

The girl I've loved the most in life, so far, is the girl I moved to New York with from Chicago. Our relationship immediately started going down the shitter once we got here, because we lived in a super small apartment that we couldn't afford, with another girl who was annoying, and also because we are both idiots and try super hard to shit on anything nice we have going for us. Towards the end of things, we'd do retarded stuff to try and be close and not feel insane and poor. One day we were sitting together in the one chair we had in our apartment, watching The Notebook (which is secretly one of my favorite movies, and I don't care), and she farted on me. At that moment, I took that to mean that she no longer valued and respected our love, or Ryan Gosling.

While I was in a long-distance relationship with a girl who lived in Portland who I met on the internet,  at some point she revealed to me that she had IBS, and that basically everything in the world made her fart up a storm, so I broke up with her. She never farted in front of me, personally, but I couldn't take knowing that she was always filled with farts just waiting to happen.

One thing that haunts me more than anything else is this deep fear that I fart in my sleep. I personally feel like if you fart in your sleep, it doesn't count (unless you're my mom). If you are no longer in the driver's seat of yourself, then it's literally out of your hands. Do you agree? Regardless, I have wanted to ask every girl I've ever dated, my entire dating career, if they've heard me fart in my sleep but 1) you can't just ask that, right? And 2) I'd hate to have to commit suicide if they said yes.

Life is disgusting.

@WolfieVibes