How to Preload and Save Money

Last month Griffith University and the Queensland Police Service presented a study arguing that preloading, the practise of drinking before going out in order to avoid expensively priced drinks, doesn't actually save people money. They even suggested slamming a bottle of Aldi spirits and homebrand lemonade could result in a more expensive night out and "more sexual and physical assaults".

Moving past the casual blaming of sexual assault on intoxication rather than, oh I don't know, people committing sexual assault, the finding surprised a lot of people. After all, it's hard to argue that drinking that wine out of mugs at home is not cheaper than getting lit on $15 basic spirits.

The results were collated via survey, where responses linked preloading to assault, drink driving, going home with a stranger, and spending more money than intended. Now at the risk of suggesting that the police, as well as one of the country's largest universities, don't know shit about being broke and getting drunk, I take issue with those findings. As anyone who has lived on $30 a week and the kindness of strangers would know, if you're losing money through pre-drinking, you're probably doing it wrong. So with that in mind, here are a few tips.

Safety note: We're totally in support of partying with your friends without needing to apply for a second credit card. But we're much less into alcohol poisoning, liver damage, hurting yourself while drunk, and generally being a total fuck-wit. So as with all things, have fun following our advice, but please don't drink until you hurt yourself.

Buy Cheap Booze

First step is pretty easy. Go to the shops and look at the numerical figure attached to all the different alcohol options. Deduce what figure holds the lowest monetary value and buy it. Unless you buy cooking sherry or low kilojoule wine by mistake, this bit is pretty hard to mess up. No matter what you buy, it'll be cheaper than what you'd pay at a venue. That's a little thing we call economics.

Having bought a bottle (or cask) of the cheapest booze our fine country can responsibly label as consumable, invite your friends over and impress them with your ability to swap money for goods and services.

Enjoy cheapskate activities

While going out and forking over your hard earned cash to The Man sucks, staying at home can be boring and depressing. Don't act like you've never caught your reflection in the TV on a Friday night and wondered about your choices during an ad-break of Desperate House Wives of Melbourne.

But these moments of crushing emotional desperation can be eased with a bit of social planning. Why not try:

Drugs!

Just kidding, what is this, 2012?

Watch TV!

We take back what we said before about TV reflecting our dead-eyed gaze. We love you TV. Please don't do that thing where your aerial doesn't work again.

Watching TV is a cool way to spend time with your pals and ignore that mounting cheap wine migraine. Just stay away from those hypnotic home shopping networks. We want those Instyler Ceramic Styling Shells as much as the next guy but we're being good at budgeting remember?

Listen to music!

Doing this at home is cool because you can actually put on something you like. No more paying for hours of boring DJs to have fun while you don't.

Go on the internet!

To be clear we mean use a computer—don't just look at your phone all night. Also we know we said stay away from the shopping channel, but forget that. We're half a bottle in so you should 100 percent be onto some online shopping. This is technically saving money anyway given Australia's crazy retail prices.

Not line up for the toilet!

Okay, truth be told, that ethanol-based alcohol we told you to buy is probably going to town on your bladder and bowels around now. So enjoy the convenience and privacy of your own bathroom. Also, lining up to empty your bladder is undignified. Also, do you know time literally is money? If you're a fast talking business lady like us, you need your fruit salad and diet Coke YESTERDAY, and your toilet VACANT.

Be comfortable!

Wear the leggings and trackpants "society" has told you shouldn't wear out of the house and save even more money by not spilling wine on your fancy white pants.

Fail to leave the house!

Here's a gem from the vault. You've had all the homebrand lemonade with Vodka you can handle, consider quitting while you're ahead. And remember, if you're at someone elses house, or if more than two extra people come over to yours, this actually counts as a night out.

But seriously, saving money is a no-brainer. Drinking is even easier, it's eating's dumber, hotter, younger brother. And while getting liquidated on our your couch before going isn't the greatest habit to cultivate, it's still cheaper than doing the same damage with a bar tab. Drink smart, drink cheap.

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