I Had Romance Sex at Kate's Lazy Meadow

I was originally going to title this "One More Year of Doing Cooler Things Than You," but I feel a little less annoying today than I do on most other days.

So as we all know, last Thursday was Valentine's Day, and while you were staring at your weird girlfriend or boyfriend across a table at Applebee's, I was up in the Catskills with my sex lover, doing sex-lover things at Kate's Lazy Meadow. If you don't know, Kate's Lazy Meadow is a vacation spot in the woods owned by Kate Pierson of the B-52's and her partner, Monica Coleman. I'm not sure if partner means "gay partner" or just "business partner," but that's what it says on their website. It's a little on the expensive side, but as I see it, you only live once, so why worry about saving money that you don't have, anyway?

In order to get to Kate's Lazy Meadow from Brooklyn, NY, we had to take a long-ass bus. I like taking long bus rides though because I miss driving, but even more, I miss being a passenger. There's something fun and special about not only being excited about the place you're going to, but also being excited about the trip there. Again, it all comes down to learning how to love and live your life. YOLO or whatever. Our stop on the bus was an unscheduled stop, so we had to tell the bus driver the name of some weird intersection to let us off at. When we first got on the bus my gf was like, "Hey, can you let us off at 5678900 Stickstone Road?" But that didn't feel like enough to us, because we're paranoid, so I ran up to him while he was driving and asked, "Hey, are we almost at 78899798711 Treedirt Lane?" We still didn't really know what was going on and some old lady had to pull us off the bus and point down some road with her hand so we knew where to go.

After getting off the bus, we walked for a mile on basically the highway, and then arrived at the cabin to check in. While checking in we got to meet Barry, who handles the main office. Barry is very cute and was wearing a button-up jean shirt and some stylish glasses. (HI, BARRY!) We gave Barry all the money we had between us (actually my gf did because I'm poor and have nothing) and then went into our cabin to cry about how cute it was. When I made the reservations for this place about a month ago I was told about how I couldn't get it for free, even though I write for a fancy magazine because they always sell out during Valentine's Day, but I'm 100 percent certain that we were the only human beings there for the two full days and two full nights of our stay. That's okay, though. We're happy to give Kate our money, and we don't like people anyway.

Two things you need to know about staying at Kate's Lazy Meadow are that when they tell you that there is no cell-phone service, they mean only in the rooms. If you walk down by the creek, you can get at least three full bars. You DO need to bring food with you, though, unless you have a car. Thankfully we brought sandwich shit and snacks because on the second night, when we were kinda tired of sandwich shit, we tried to call for a pizza and people were like, "No." So if we hadn't brought groceries, we would have died.

Here's a quick list of activities experienced during our stay:

1) Sandwiches.

2) Group showers in a shower with water pressure so low, it was like a cute and romantic joke.

3) Not seeing bears, deers, rabbits, or any other sort of animal. We did see a duck, although that barely counts, and did definitely step in deer poop.

4) Many rounds of sex that included extreme eye contact.

5) Two nature walks: One where we sat on a log; and one where I forced my gf to go into an abandoned shack that she didn't want to go into. There were shotgun shells inside.

6) Watched an old horror film called Don't Go in the Woods that was pure insanity, and then on the second night I forced my gf to watch On Golden Pond while I kept looking over at her to make sure she was experiencing the correct emotions.

7) Saw actual stars and pretended to know where things were in the sky.

8) Painstakingly wrote emotional things in the guestbook and then said out loud, "Our entry is way better than everyone else's."

Go to Kate's Lazy Meadow if you have a million dollars. I plan to go back as soon as humanly possible. CABIN 6A, REPRESENT! WOOF WOOF!

PS Our very own William Cody Watson, who does our "Sad-Ass Music" column, made us a VD mix for our trip, which you can also download and enjoy HERE.

@WolfieVibes