Playlist: Appeasing the Angry Feral Cat That Stalks Your Fire Escape and Wants Your Blood

By S.B. Kasulke

We’ve amassed a compilation of songs to soothe the soul of the feral cat beast the size of a healthy adult beagle that stalks you on your fire escape like the wounded, miserable prey you are. "It's leaving you presents because it likes you," your naive roommate foolishly assures you, ignorant of the fact that it was his half a chimi left on the fire escape that brought this evil upon you in the first place (what kind of cat eats chimis? No cat of god, certainly.) But you know better. You know the mangled pigeon carcasses and severed rat heads aren't offerings to earn your affection, but warnings of what you are to soon become. Play these songs through your screen window to help stave off the beast's attacks a little longer.

Jay-Z - "Lucifer"

Think of this first track as your lamb’s-blood-on-the-doorstep circa Old Testament Passover, but instead of the Angel of Death, you’re warding off a calico-coated monstrosity who hisses at you through your window screen. You’re letting him know, hey man, I understand you’re an otherworldly demon-cat, and you know what, man, that’s alright. I feel you. Now please stop licking your chops when my girlfriend walks in the room, because it’s kind of bugging her out.

Crosby, Stills & Nash - "Helplessly Hoping"

Once you’ve paid homage to It, try to calm your feline stalker down. A little CSN should kick it off proper: melancholy guitar, some soothing harmonies, and a song title desperate enough to match your feelings about how badly you want this playlist to work.

Jewel - "Who Will Save Your Soul"

Bonus points if you can get your hands on the crazy-ass live version where the drugs kick in at the two minute mark. By the five minute point Jewel’s off on this strangely sexy meowing bit, which will either please the furry demi-god on your fire escape or make it horny enough to leave you be for a night and go hump another cat. Or a Honda Civic.

Harry Chapin - "Cat’s In The Cradle"

Okay, so CSN and Jewel failed to calm it down. That’s fine, because now we’re going in for the kill. Bam. And it’s not just here for the cat joke— if I wanted to be that cheap, I’d have included “Honky Cat” on this list and I didn’t do that because this is life-or-death and this literal cougar isn’t fucking around with your piano bar bullshit. Why would a cat be so angry that it would try to headbutt your screen until it burst into your room and tore out your throat? Because it’s a feral cat. As in, it’s an orphan. Obviously it feels abandoned by it’s father, and you need to start the healing process. Show the catbeast you understand his pain. Commiserate with him. You know, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

Black Sabbath  - "The Devil Cried"

Judging by the furious, low-pitched hissing and tremendous puffed-up tail, Aslan Jr. didn’t want to be reminded of his daddy issues at this juncture. Pull a 180 and play some heavy-ass Dio-era Sabbath about Satan and exile and anguish and shit. Pretend the Chapin thing was a joke, that you hate your dad, that you’re down with Scar 2.0’s boss AND killer guitar leads. Play this one loud, or the neighbors might hear the bellowing, unholy moans erupting from this fucking creature.

Disney - "Everybody Wants To Be A Cat"

Huh. Your little sister must’ve put that on your laptop by mistake. Ah well, it’s sorta fitting, but you need a way to get this razor-whiskered motherfucker off your fire escape. At least it stopped hissing. Keeps staring at you, though.

Were its eyes always red?

Eminem - "Kill You"

Nobody understands testosterone-fueled angst and meticulous, murderous rage quite like Marshall Mathers. Prove you’re down with the extermination of everything from pigeons to ex-girlfreinds while trying to earn your now eerily still predator’s trust.

Disney - "Everybody Wants To Be A Cat"

This is kind of a good song.

Disney - "Everybody Wants To Be A Cat"

You know, it’s just a cat. Maybe you should let it in. Pet it or something. It’s probably fine. Man, that cat’s got pretty eyes. Just keep, like, staring into them. Good. Good.

Melissa Etheridge - "Come To My Window"

See, if you just wiggle it a little from the inside, the screen pops right out. There. Here, kitty.

@skasulke

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