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      Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'N' Roll - Gang Bangs and Quaaludes

      November 14, 2012

      SEX - GANG BANGS

      There are more types of group sex than strands of herpes on the Rolling Stones' tour bus: threesomes, orgies, swinging, even god-damn circle jerks. But how, you may ask, as you flutter your mouse over Red Tube's categories in an incognito Chrome window; volume down, cock up -- does a gang bang differ from a classic orgy?

      If we're speaking in gender binary, mainstream porn terms, a gang bang is when one woman is getting fucked by a minimum of three men. Two guys, one girl (or two girls, one guy. Or three girls. Or three guys)  is just your run-of-the-mill threesome and NOT a gang bang, as I've bemoaned before. Some fellow internet deviants may have seen the infamous Sasha Grey gang bang where she gets drilled by about 12 dudes including that weird old hairy hippie guy and at one point shoves a foot up her cootch (unnecessary). 

      Stepping outside the realm of straight porn sites, there are obviously gay gang-bangs, and even reverse ones when a bunch of chicks dominate a dude. So for the sake of completeness, I'm going to classify a gang bang as a bottom getting plowed by at least three people, whereas an orgy is more of a mixed bag, with more two-way traffic. It's all about the top/bottom ratio. 

      If your gang bang involves a bunch of peens, etiquette dictates you don't "block the box," or besplooge an orifice that still has work to do. A porny way to end a gang bang is bukkake, a Japanese term that translates: "to sprinkle water" -- fuck, I'm going to stop here because I'm writing this from Hawaii and saw FIVE, yes FIVE weddings on the beach today so I'm feeling too romantic to elaborate. If you want to know more about bukkake ask your local librarian. 

      VERY IMPORTANT: A gang bang must be a consensual act. If not it is gang rape, which is some seriously evil shit. 

      DRUGS - QUAALUDES 

      "You've got your transmission and your live wire,

      you've got your cue line and a handful of ludes"

      -David Bowie, "Rebel Rebel"

      What the fuck is a "lude" David Bowie, and where can I get some? 

      A quaalude (methaqualone) is a sedative similar to barbiturates that was hot shit in the 70's. Along with euphoria and muscle relaxation, quaaludes supposedly make you horny as hell, creating the perfect fuck-drug. Effects last four to eight hours (a whole lot longer than a popper). 

      Quaaludes typically came in 300mg pills that were meant to be prescribed for insomnia. Hilariously in all the Erowid experiences I read, most dudes who took them ended up just passing out for twelve hours, which is probably why it was highly popular to combine them with cocaine. The lude mellowed out the anxiousness of blow, the blow kept you from falling asleep. Their association with the glam-rock and disco scene of the 70s earned them the nickname "disco biscuits." 

      I feel about quaaludes the way I feel about Edie Sedgwick, I really wish I had gotten to experience them before they died. Ludes are one of the few drugs the government seems to have been actually successful at wiping out. By the early 1980's quaaludes were labeled a Schedule I drug and for the most part have been kept off the streets. 

      ROCK 'N' ROLL - YOUNGBLOOD HAWKE 

      Youngblood Hawke caught my attention with their video for "We Come Running," which fits in perfectly with my current Pacific vacation because they go shark diving. How badass would it be if you got bitten by a shark and survived? I know it would be really scary and probably hurt a lot at first, but those shark teeth scars would get you laid for the rest of your life. These guys must be pretty brave to scuba-dive with sharks, I feel like I need a quaalude drip just to be able to write about it without having a panic attack.

      Los Angeles-based Youngblood Hawke is the creation of long-time friends Sam Martin and Simon Katz, joined by Alice Katz, Tasso Smith, and Nik Hughes. They sound like youth and sandy hair and salty kisses and are perfect for my transition from early to mid 20's, along with copious amounts of champagne and denial and drunkenly kissing hot Aussies. In the same vein of Passion Pit, their music is so delightfully fun I'm worried they'll soon be swallowed up by the jaws of mainstream pop and we'll all hate them in a year.

      Their self-titled EP is available now on iTunes. Watch the shark video below!

      @TheBowieCat

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