The Kind of Porn That Texts You After
Illustrations by Joel Benjamin

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Sex

The Kind of Porn That Texts You After

I tracked down the star of one of my favorite pornos to ask her about emotional attachment, vulnerability, and what love even is.

Sometimes when I watch porn, I believe that the dude is in

love with the woman. This happens when the movie features an eye-gazing, mouth

kissing, pussy-eating bro, like James Deen, who is so attentive and sensual as

to seem obsessed. It makes me sad, then, when I see James show the same level

of devotion to hundreds of other women in other vids. I'm like,

_Wait! Stay obsessed with the first one. _I was pretending she was me.__

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The other day I was browsing Pornhub, preparing to

masturbate, when I found a scene where James

fucks his "girlfriend's mom." Through the tabs, I discovered that

the female lead is

Melissa Monet, who also stars in a lost favorite of mine: Milf Melissa and Her Hot Teen Daughter Missy Share Cock. (Those links are very NSFW, obvs.)

Milf Melissa

and Her Hot Teen Daughter Missy Share Cock

is a movie I used to

masturbate to on the reg. I loved this movie, because I have mommy issues and Melissa

Monet plays the ultimate hot nurturer: patient, generous, kind. Also, she is

Jewish like me, so in my fantasies she could actually be my mother.

When I masturbate to porn, I don't just masturbate to porn.

I have a very tangential mind that asks a lot of questions, which is probably

why it takes me, like, three years to have an orgasm. I was able to track down

Melissa Monet and ask her some of my questions about emotional attachment, vulnerability,

and what love even is.

So Sad Today: The scene you did with James Deen was so beautiful. Like,

all that kissing and eye-gazing. Did you feel any sadness or emotional

attachment after it was over? And, if not you, do you think the character you

were playing would feel any emotional attachment after? The next time she sees

him with her daughter will she be jealous or feel a pang of longing? Do

you think she will want him to text her? Or was it just completely, purely

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physical for her and a one time thing?

Melissa Monet: There was a big backstory to my scene with James

Deen. As I have different roles behind the scenes, a lot of the actors and

actresses didn't know that I was also a performer. I was technically not

in front of the camera for 12 years, so up until that point, James only knew me

as a producer. It was strange, even awkward for me, which he seemed to revel

in. Thinking back, it created a sexual tension and anticipation not often

seen in this type of situation. The scene itself was very personal—he

whispered to me, called me by my real name, and cared more about my pleasure

than about the scene. I didn't feel any emotional attachment or sadness

afterwards. Perhaps in my younger days I might have, but definitely not at the

time.

As for my character, I would think she would

have felt a deep emotional attachment. She cheated on her husband and

betrayed her daughter, both of whom she was supposed to have loved. There

should be deep regret and an attachment to the person you are throwing all that

away for. I don't know about the jealousy part. I think maybe a little,

but with guilt thrown in. Her need is to be with a younger man who finds

her desirable, a man who excites her and brings her to orgasm in a fury that

she no longer experiences with her husband. She would want him to text

her, call her, and pursue her in any way possible just because her ego would

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require it.

In my fantasies, James's character would become emotionally

attached to your character as well. But in reality, it seems likely that she

would ultimately—if not quickly—have her heart broken. The track record for

older women and much younger men isn't great in terms of lasting love.

How am I to differentiate between love and lust in my own life, and

in my own heart, when great works of art and great works of female-friendly

porn inspire me to want a lasting love with the intensity of a short-lived

scene? It sounds like it is possible—as a woman—to experience profound

sex with another person in ways that are deeply intimate, whispery, first

name-calling, without becoming emotionally attached. I'm wondering what age has

changed for you.

Are there statistics on older women/younger men relationships? How do you

know it doesn't always pan out? From what I know (I don't date younger

men), most of the women feel insecure… others prefer that the guy not be

younger than their children (for obvious reasons). I think it's too

complicated to actually have a theory about it. I always wonder what we

would talk about… our music tastes are probably different, school and timeline

experiences, etc.

I think a lot of people

have a hard time distinguishing between love and lust/possession/desire. Love plays in all of those things and vice versa, not always in a sexual way,

but everyone wants something out of it, even if it's just love… though that is

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never enough, is it?

I can't speak for

everyone, but when you have that lust/passion/love triangle and also manage to

like and be compatible with that person, it's pretty spectacular. How

realistic is it? Hard to say. When you're in the middle of the peak

of the relationship, it's all rosy and the beginning should be intense and

amazing, but somewhere at the drop (and they all drop) disappointment sets in

and then disillusionment. How long and when depends on the individuals

and how hard they latch on to that one portion of the relationship where it was

phenomenal.

Sex without emotional attachment is relative. Who's to

say there isn't an emotional attachment all the time? It might be very

short lived or perhaps fizzle out with a word or action that gets in your craw

and snaps you back to reality. Women who can have sex this way usually

pick a pet peeve and give themselves an excuse to kick the person to the curb.

I don't have any

statistics about older women and younger men, other than what I've experienced in my

own life and amongst my friends. In a lot of these situations, it seems like the women don't even

necessarily want to be in a committed relationship with the men. A relationship would

probably be a disaster. But we want the assurance that we could have a

committed relationship if we wanted it.

I think that the desire

to be irresistible is one of the top turn-ons for many women—regardless of our

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age or the age of our sexual partners. In the book

A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the Internet Tells Us About Sexual

Relationships

(one of my favorites) the authors talk about the idea of the

"magic hoo-hoo" and its prevalence in romance novels, wherein the male hero

gets "one taste" of the heroine's vagina and he becomes emotionally, and physically,

hooked on her. Perhaps this is part of James's popularity as a performer

amongst women. He looks hooked.

I've also read that cis women release the bonding

hormone, oxytocin, when we have an orgasm, whereas cis men do not (though I've

certainly gotten attached to people with whom I've faked orgasms or had no

orgasms). There have been so many times that I've gone into a sexual situation

with the intent that I am not going to get attached, but if the sex was good—or

the person was hot and just a good kisser—I got attached. I feel like my

chemistry betrays me!

Have you ever gotten emotionally

attached to one of your co-stars? Or have you seen it happen when you were in

directing or producing roles?

I personally have not and I have a fairly strict policy of

not shitting where I eat as far as talent goes. I did it once with a male

performer (the very first week I came into the biz… great guy and great fun)

and once with a female performer (within the first year of being in the biz… psycho and not fun). I have seen it a couple of times within the performers, but it

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really runs the gamut and some people just wear their hearts on their sleeves.

I want to say that one thing I love

about you as an actress is that your orgasms seem real to me. I like that you close

your eyes and look lost in your own world. I can't have an orgasm without

closing my eyes and going into my own little world, so when that's mirrored to

me as an "OK" thing to do—to dissociate a little, even with a partner—it makes

me feel better about myself.

Often, when I watch straight porn, the actresses present

themselves as so easily orgasmic, whereas it takes me, like, at least 30

minutes of sustained cunnilingus and/or me touching myself or using my vibrator

to have an orgasm with another person. Are your orgasms onscreen real or fake?

Do you have trouble letting go? Or are you super orgasmic in real life?

Thank you! I don't fake my orgasms, but I don't have

to, I can literally come at the drop of a hat. Even if I get distracted, it

might delay it, but it doesn't change much.

I am so jeal. I wonder if the ease

with which one comes has anything to do with self-esteem. Like, feeling worthy

of receiving pleasure. It seems like you have a lot of confidence. I feel like

it takes a lot of confidence to be in the seductress role, as you are in

Milf Melissa and Her Hot Teen Daughter Missy

Share Cock.

One might think that Missy is ostensibly more vulnerable,

because she is younger and less experienced. Yet to me, the role of the seductress

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is more vulnerable, because I fear rejection. Obviously, in porn, no one gets

rejected. But can you talk about what it's like to play the role of an older

pursuer and instigator, rather than the pursued.
For me it's not about

confidence… if that was the case I would not come as easily. It's really about

physiology. My nerve endings are extremely close to the surface so I don't need

a lot of stimulation, nor do I need hard or heavy stimulation. I can't use

a Hitachi or play on a Symbian for more than a few seconds, it's a waste for me and

takes away the build up of my pleasure. With every great thing comes a

curse… LOL.

I think you are confusing

confidence with too many variables. A lot of seductresses are extremely

insecure. They use the seductive trait as a way to distract themselves

from their shyness or insecurities. I may be a totally different animal,

as I just go and try not to think. If I did I may not have the confidence to be

with anyone.

While you would think porn doesn't have rejection, it most

certainly does. I have faced it twice, both with loser

performers. One was high and tried to use me as his scapegoat as to why he

couldn't get hard. It was unfortunate for him that I had performed with

the director many times when he was talent and he loved fucking me. The

other was when I first came back after a 12-year hiatus. Some newer loser

said he couldn't get hard because I was too old and gross. I heard him

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behind my back say all kinds of asshole shit. I refused to finish the

scene and walked out. I almost didn't perform again because of it, but

the next scene was the one with James Deen.

Yes, you're right. I think seduction can definitely be used

to cover up insecurities in other areas. I've definitely sent some of my

filthiest sexts when I felt the most needy. Like, if a bro isn't texting back,

I know I can get him to text me back if I hit him with the nudes or the hot

sexts. But then where does that get me? It only recently dawned on me that

using sex to get attention just means that dudes want sex. Like, it isn't that

hard to get that kind of attention. I think I used to get way more validation

out of it, particularly if the dude was a lot younger, because I saw it as an

"I've still got it" thing. Now I'm kind of like, "Got what? He'd probably fuck

anybody."

What I meant by no rejection in porn is that the viewer

never sees it. But those experiences sound painful. But speaking of the

inability to get it up, I have one last question from a guy friend. I told him

it's a dumb question, but he's like "When are you going to have this resource

again?" He wants to know how the dudes in porn stay hard for so long without

coming? (Of course he does.)

How the guys stay hard

runs the gamut… some are just naturals, some are automatons, some take a lot of

time or breaks, some don't do so well under pressure or only do well under

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certain circumstances, and some use medical help (Viagra and the like). It

depends on so many things. And most of the guys don't last as long as it

seems, there is something called "movie magic," you only see what we

want you to see.

Melissa

Monet

is a porn star, writer, director, and producer, among many other things.

She loves animals, sci-fi, and the New York Rangers.

So Sad Today is a never-ending existential crisis played out in 140 characters or less. Its anonymous author has struggled with consciousness since long before the creation of the Twitter feed in 2012, and has finally decided the time has come to project her anxieties on a larger screen, in the form of a biweekly column on this website.