We Got an Illustrator to Draw the Biggest British Stereotypes About Australia

In many ways, Australia's sense of self is stuck in the '80s. When we set out to see the world, we still expect to be welcomed with a few friendly jokes, some free beers, and at worst a handful of people thinking we're British. But the reality is we haven't been the planet's freckled kid sibling for years.

Somewhere along the line, Australians abroad went from being asked whether or not we ride kangaroos to work, to being cross-examined over our domestic politics. The reprehensible treatment of Aborigines, asylum seekers, and the environment, as well as our penchant for cultural appropriation has left our global reputation frayed. If our accent wasn't so adorable we'd have bumped South Africa for most-popular-movie-henchman-nationality years ago.

But what exactly does come to mind when you make a foreigner think about us Aussies? Last week our UK office got a US illustrator to draw America's most engrained British stereotypes. This week, we got a London-based illustrator to do the same for us. After all, who better to comment on what we've seemingly become than the people who started this mess in the first place.

WE ALL DRINK FOSTERS

Can we please use this as an opportunity to put this weird misunderstanding to bed? No one in Australia drinks Fosters. No, we're not saying no one who hangs out at the VICE office and buys food-grade charcoal drinks Fosters, we mean it's not actually in stores. So next time you want to name a low rent beer that we actually drink, try some of these: Victoria Bitter, Melbourne Bitter, XXXX Bitter (Australia's best seller), Crown Larger, Toohey's. Substitute these into any joke to retain the integrity of your degrading comment while being era appropriate.

WE HATE REFUGEES

Credit where it's due, this is pretty spot on. As mentioned, no respectable kangaroo would drink Fosters, but the rest is a good likeness. Despite being the world's third least densely populated country, as well as the 19th richest, we come in 69th globally for refugee intake per capita. But the problems continue when we actually let them in, too.

Various human rights organizations have condemned Australia for our treatment of the asylum seekers that are accepted. In February, our own Human Rights Commission submitted a report slamming the government's treatment of children in detention. In fact Prime Minister Tony Abbott used the opportunity to praise Immigration Minister Scott Morrison's work in protecting human rights.

In short: We're a bunch of dickish marsupials.

WE'RE FULL OF THINGS THAT WILL KILL YOU

There are two things wrong with this picture: the Foster's (see above), and the bee. Assuming you don't have to worry about anaphylactic shock, bees in Australia are OK—it's the swarming plague of European wasps you want to watch out for. But other than that, this is a hole-in-one. And weirdly, the deadliness of our environment is something we're strangely proud of.

This island is overflowing with things that will bite you, sting you, burn you, or generally maim and torture you. And those critters don't give a shit about urban sprawl, either. In fact the constant artificial lights of cities are making spiders bigger, while global warming is increasing jellyfish toxicity. Come to our land and something terrible will happen to you in a toilet.

WE'RE ALWAYS IN FANCY DRESS FOR NO REASON

Honestly, we hadn't given this much thought until now, but it's true: Australians love to dress up. It's probably not a surprise considering the height of culture here is wearing small hats and throwing up at a horse race. Sporting events, hens nights, birthdays, music festivals, jury duty, and public gatherings of any kind are an invitation for Aussies to go without a shirt and wear a cape. Double points for the cape being a flag.

But we're also a nation built on archetypes, for men especially. Since the first fleet we've rewarded them for being bristled masses of muscle, testosterone, contact sports, practical shoes, and simmering latent homoeroticism. Can you blame these dudes for looking for any moment to express themselves? In England, you can wear a jaunty tie, or whatever. Here, that will get you glassed. Give those douche bags a break, wearing a dumb costume, or maybe even a dress, is the closest those guys will come to their secret childhood dream of taking ice-dancing lessons.

WE'RE LOUD

A lot of the things we've discussed so far hinge on how individuals compare themselves to others. The thing with Australians is we don't think we're loud. We think we're a milky tea version of the British, all restrained manners and suppressed, suffocating emotions. And much of this is because of the notion that, we're not loud, Americans are loud. That constant comparison has robbed us of any ability to be truly objective on our own volume.

As anyone who's ever heard our shrill, rusty iron accent cut through the mumble of a crowd knows we don't have trouble being heard. But it's actually hard to ascertain whether or not it's the volume or our adenoid-choked enunciation that's behind it. We reached out to Simon Musgrave, a linguistics lecturer at Monash University to clear things up, but even he was somewhat stumped.

He suggested "variation between individuals within a speech community would be far more important than variation between speech communities." Basically, some people are loud, some aren't. Although he did very sensibly point out that we tend to remember loud people. In other words, maybe those who think Aussies are loud just aren't noticing the quiet ones. It's understandable. We don't notice them either.

That's not to say there isn't some possibility the stereotype is accurate. Maybe, as a nation, we are loud. But if we are, it's probably because we're so fucking stoked to be living on a tropical island as far away as possible from you miserable Brits.

Follow Wendy on Twitter.