What We Learned About Australians By Looking At Their Weird Google Searches

By VICE Australia


Images by Ben Thomson

Over the past few weeks VICE offices around the world have been using Google Trends to find out the dumb stuff each part of their countries search for the most. Google Trends is a thing that lets you see how often a particular word is searched for in relation to geography. In other words, you can ask it important questions like which city in country X searched the most for sex/drug term Y.

As you can imagine the knowledge they've uncovered is immense. For example: Manchester leads the UK in searches for fit birds; Saskatchewan is Canada's capital for online research into bestiality; and poor old Limburg is big into ACDC and no girlfriend.

So what about Australia? We compiled a list of possible search terms including The Big Bang Theory, pancakes, and fuckwit to find out which state was the most keen on looking them up. The bad news is every part of this country is fucked. The good news is all the stereotypes you base your whole sense of humour on are pretty much true.

VICTORIA

Most searched for: Heroin, beer, pancakes, souvlaki, kidnapping, vomit, Two and a Half men, racist, cafe, how to get revenge, big tits, S&M, anus, plastic surgery

Victoria and its capital Melbourne like to consider themselves Australia’s food and culture hub. In reality it’s more Australia’s super creepy self loathing, and heart disease hub. Topping the polls with heroin, beer, vomit, and souvlaki, we pray for the garden state’s toilets. Although credit where it’s due, whoever floated Real Housewives of Melbourne deserves a golden handjob. Critics may have panned the show as an artificial reality, but turns out the state really is obsessed with plastic surgery, tits, and emotional warfare. Congrats guys, you are the anuses you so love.

QUEENSLAND

Most searched for:  Weed, psychic, nude beach, coffee, meaning of life, small tits, beastiality, sex change, suicide, best pick up lines, mustaches, how to grow weed, pussy

Queensland almost had the whole package: nudity, non-terrifying drugs, deep thinking, and a keen interest in switching genders. Then just when you’re about to pack your bags for a life of making peace with your small tits in the sunshine they drop beastiality on you and suddenly all those mustaches look less ironic. Maybe after all that apparent free living there’s nowhere else to go but fucking a dog and killing yourself.

TASMANIA

Most searched for: Dick, dogs, cats, The Big Bang Theory, moon landing, apocalypse

Tasmania continues to be the non threatening virgin you always thought they were. While other states show a hearty fixation on orifices and sexual taboos the Apple Isle is happily adding to the YouTube views of household pets. Sure they looked up dick, but the preoccupation with the The Big Bang Theory is proof they’re probably not yet using theirs. Don’t worry, it’s not all vanilla milkshakes in the heritage forest, the time spent on the moon landing and the apocalypse is just enough to make you think, maybe they could kill me in my sleep.

SOUTH AUSTRALIA

Most searched for: pregnant porn, Masterchef, how to get rich, child porn

What the actual fuck South Australia? Taking out the sketchy dual honors for child and pregnancy porn is not doing anything for your image. That’s only topped by the interest in Masterchef and get-rich-quick schemes. At best, you’re a state of desperate emotionally twisted human shells whose disconnect with reality is so developed you’ve slid into the darkest recesses of the internet.

NEW SOUTH WALES

Most searched for: Sex, lesbians, gay, jihad, fuck wit, murder, hipster, hacking, how to make explosives (which had a disconcerting spike in early 2013), how to fall in love, BYO, circumcision, hedge fund, g’day

As Australia’s most populous state, it’s really no wonder that NSW is the home of so many opposites. For example: they’re all about liberated sex, but then they’re apparently fond of circumcision. This could either say something about Aussie traditionalism (who googles g’day?), or just how many ethnicities and social groups are jammed into Sydney. The second notion would certainly explain how the highest national searches for jihad and how to fall in love came from the same confused space. Basically, Sydney is the place where coastal hipsters talk hacktivism and hedge funds, while others are tryig to figure out what fuck wits means and worrying about bombs. Sydney can be so cruel.

WESTERN AUSTRALIA

Most searched for: Pork belly, interracial sex, how to get free stuff, how to lose weight, meth, conspiracy theory,

There was a time when Western Australia didn’t have money. But then they invented iron ore and became rich. The men in Perth are now up to date with the latest foods—pork belly—and the resulting body issues—weight loss—and yet the thing that binds them all, aside from being able to lawfully drive 4WDs on the beach, is a desire for more stuff, for free. But of course, that’s not all of WA. There are still pockets of sheep property weirdos who do meth and google conspiracy theories. Remember when Kevin Rudd’s mining tax was all the rage and there were calls for WA to secede as an independent country? Yep, the conspiracy theory nut-jobs run strong. But what’s with all that interracial sex?

NORTHERN TERRITORY

Most searched for: Drugs, alcohol, steroids

Well that sucks. It’s not even funny sucks. Like either the outback is as hectic as we’re told, or the internet is just racist. So let’s focus on the steroids. Steroids are hilarious. But as if those faux-Irish pub goobers visiting crocodile farms and wearing hibiscus shirts while breaking XXXX bottles over their heads at sunset and getting malaria will ever look good.

AUSTRALIAN CAPITAL TERRITORY

Most searched for: Canberra, catering.

At the end of this we realised that the ACT hadn’t had much of a look in. It took some random word punching to see what stuck, and in the end it was only its own rainy capital, plus catering. Fascinatingly dry cleaning narrowly lost to Victoria, only one point behind. Don’t go to Canberra.

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