Bollocks to the Hippocratic Oath
People Are Awful at Suicide
In general, failing at death is worse than failing at life. If you shoot yourself through the head at the wrong angle you end up retarded. Jump from one floor too low and you're paralyzed for life. One mouthful short of bleach and you’ll have to wait...
The Perfect Vagina
I had a patient once who would not stop complaining about her flaps—vaginal flaps. Miss Vagina Whiner first came to me saying she had lost all pleasure from sex because she was so embarrassed by her saggy lips, which drooped about her clitoris like the...
I Made a Baby
I always regale you with stories of death, disease, sexual perversity, and self-destruction. But sometimes there is a fleeting reprieve in the otherwise grim monotony of bodily failure. Last week I delivered my first baby!
Doctors Can't Help You
The higher I progress in the medical profession, the more I realize that half of being a doctor is saying things with authority and hoping my patient doesn’t die—which most of the time works. The ones that do die would probably have died no matter what...
One-Night Stand Syndrome
You know that feeling you have after a night of heavy drinking when you wake up and the pain is matched only by your nauseating shame after realizing there's a stranger's warm naked body beside you? Well, that happens for one man every morning, and it...
Don't Touch Me
I don’t want to feel the bristles of your beard on my face after searching through a patient's pubes for crabs. I don’t want to hug you and feel the dampness of your warm sweat under your shirt after turning over obese patients all day.
Fat Chance
Worst of all, your chances of getting laid are not only reduced by looking like shit, but it would be quite a feat to get your 40-inch wide leg over, when your dick has long since been engulfed. Get fat, and your own body mass swallows your penis and...
What I Know About Death
I haven’t cried for a patient in over five years. I worry I’ve become a cold-hearted bitch who makes small children scream, jabs old ladies with needles, and remains unfazed in the face of relentless suffering.
The Voices in My Head Are Telling Me to Bathe in Shit
A 30-year-old woman came into ER last week covered from head to toe in her own shit. She was very attached to it. Every time we tried to wipe any of it away she would flail and scream, agonized.
How to Drink Until Your Ass Bleeds
He drank so much he had scoured the inside of his stomach raw with ulcers, which were bleeding out so quickly it ran straight through the 6.5m of his gut, mixed with shit and leaked all over the street.