BOYLE'S BRAINS
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Tao Lin’s Apartment: A Review
Last October Tao Lin put up a post on Facebook asking if anyone wanted to sublet his studio apartment in Murray Hill while he visited family in Taiwan. I responded and PayPal-ed him the significantly discounted friend-rate. I would be staying around four weeks. This is my review of Tao's apartment. Full story
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What Cat Food Tastes Like
The other day I found myself seriously considering two futures: the one where I’d never know what wet cat food tasted like, and the one where I would. In both futures I’d eventually end up dead, but the one where I’d eat cat food seemed more exciting. Full story
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New Ways to Have Sex
Let half a stick of butter melt in your mouth. This can take a long time. Try to sit still. It will feel less rewarding if you move even slightly. When the butter feels mostly melted, push your tongue against the harder parts. Make them melt against your cheek. Think about how yo… Full story
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The Spookiest Things to Do in a Dog Park
Bring a Ziploc baggie of ground beef instead of a dog. Start to remove its leash. Look tentatively around the park. If someone catches you doing this, direct piercing, relentless eye contact at them while slowly refastening the leash on your beef. Full story
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Real Pain: Future Dead Friends Tour Live Blog
Jordan Castro asked if I wanted to go on a four-day reading tour with him, Mallory Whitten, Scott McClanahan, Sam Pink, and Mike Bushnell. I said I did. A reading tour is like a music tour but with writers who know each other from the internet instead of musicians who know each o… Full story
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What’s Happening with Nicolas Cage’s Face
Nicolas Cage likes to lure his victims into a small basement apartment where he pretends to be lonely and appreciative of their company and insists they stay. Once they’ve fallen asleep, he unhinges his jaw and his mouth grows 40 inches in diameter. His guest is then swallowed wh… Full story
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The Secret Life of Objects on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown in a 24-Hour Grocery Store
Only one of these Great Value Happy Drinks does not have an STD. Full story
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Boyle's Brains - Slapstick Reel of My Life
A drunk driver rear-ended my mom’s car. It was night and his lights were off. My mom was driving. I heard her yell my name, then the words “control” and “steering wheel.” Something collided with my head and my face felt wet. This is but one highlight in the slapstick reel of my l… Full story
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Boyle’s Brains - I Listened to Five CDs from the Five-for-a-Dollar Box at FYE
I recently spent about 40 minutes digging through the five-for-a-dollar-box at FYE, delighting in the bleakly diverse selection of CDs resting in what would likely become their punchline-y final destination. Full story
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Boyle's Brains - People I Met in Truck Driving School
This May I passed a trucking school on my bike and enrolled shortly after. For four weeks a small group of men and I watched instructional DVDs and took tests in a classroom Mondays through Thursdays from 5:30 to 10:45. Fridays we’d meet in a relatively empty industrial area unde… Full story
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Boyle's Brains - Weight Loss Tips that Have Actually Worked for Me
When you’re trying to decide between two pints of ice cream, pretend they are your mom’s nipples and she wants you to suck on them. Full story
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Boyle's Brains - Ways to Improve Basketball
How about Dad Overtime, for example? In the event of a tie, all members of Team A and Team B will be swapped out for their dads. Full story
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Boyle's Brains - What New York City Public Sleepers Think about Everclear
It would be easy to assume an old man with a large plastic bag containing a smaller paper Cinnabon bag sleeping in a library next to a liter of club soda would have a limited awareness of Everclear. Full story
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Boyle's Brains - Deleted Scenes from “Drive”
Ryan Gosling ducks behind a boulder and unwraps two packages of snack cakes and blueberry mini-muffins. Full story
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Boyle's Brains - Future Parts of the Human Body
My name is Megan. I'm 26. This column is going to be about stuff I like that I think other people might like too. It's called "Boyle's Brains" because my last name is "Boyle" and my brain is the thing that tells me what I like. Full story
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