• Combover's Truth

    This town’s just one big concentration camp! It’s sunny Auschwitz. But I am my own Nazi. I keep me here. Ambition. The sweet tastes of temptation are wasting me away. Spiritually emaciated. About to fall flat and just die.

  • Teenage Vacation Week

    I’ve been thinking back on the first film I ever produced, 'Teenage Vacation Week.' I was also in it. I played Jim Francino: A low-down, dirty pimp who had a thing for naval outfits. He convinces these two teens who are on vacation for a week to do a bunch of low-down and dirty t…

  • Laugh Pig Laugh

    Two hours later: Regret. So much regret. There’s blood all over me. Not my blood. Chicken blood, or so they say. I don’t know where anyone gets all this chicken blood from, and the whole enterprise is definitely far from kosher.

  • What Means What Now?

    Did you know I was married? Of course you don’t. I didn’t tell you. I don’t really talk about her very often. To me, a wife is pretty much a backup plan. If I don’t get no shtuppin’ for a while, if my career falls apart, if I got no one else to turn to—you know, that kind of a ge…

  • Santa Daddy

    She walked into the other room and came back holding up a Santa suit. And you bet your ass I put it on. I put it on like it was my bar mitzvah suit and we had to be at temple in five minutes.

  • The October War

    I’m working on a little personal film about the October War. I need to say something about my people’s persecution. What a mess it is over there. Such a happy little place surrounded by nothing but enemies. Haven’t we gone through enough already?!

  • Dirty Laundry

    This one’s difficult. Used to be my best friend. My mentor, really. Taught me everything I know about the business. Helped me get my first assistant’s job with Billy Wilder. Then the white dragon set him on fire. And before I knew it, I was his own personal ATM.

  • White Lie/Black Fly

    Goddamn method actors. I hired one to do this sci-fi flick I’m producing called "White Lie/Black Fly." The crew tells me the actress has been crawling up walls, jumping on people, and even eating caca. She’s gotta tone it down or we’re going to have 50,000 lawsuits on our hands…

  • Combover: Jarble Jerble

    The ganef has the chutzpah to belt me in the face. He lays me back in my stunned state and tries to shove the pool net up my tukhus. I tighten my hole like it’s holding onto a hundred-dollar bill.

  • Combover: Make the Book Cook

    I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. That’s the way you really rise to the top.

  • Combover: Smart as a Rabbi

    I’ve seen dead bodies before, but this is going to be rough. This one is going to sting right where my foreskin used to be.

  • Combover: That's Tokyo Town

    He might have the glow of a Nazi, but he hates himself just like a good Jewish boy should.