Al Qaeda Accidentally Beheaded the Wrong Person and Models Rigged a Big Butt Contest

Image of the cutest kid in America via 

There I was Friday afternoon, moments away from putting on my safety goggles and heading into the self-sustaining muck that is the news, when five-year-old Miles Scott dressed up as Batman. Miles’s leukemia is in remission, and for his Make-A-Wish gift, he asked the Make-A-Wish foundation to transform San Francisco into Gotham City, so he could be Batman for a day. As I watched people on Twitter tweet about #SFBatkid giving “the citizens of Gotham” the best fist pump ever and saving Giants mascot Lou Seal from the Penguin, I realized Irony and emotional detachment were over. The world had moved on. From now on, clean jokes and wholesome fun would be the order of the day. Moms would bake cookies, dogs would wag their tails, and everything would be all right. My column was finished—then I noticed I had another tab opened on my browser. I clicked on it and was immediately served with a piping hot glass of Rob Ford telling reporters he had enough pussy to eat at home. That's right, the world was still fucked up and full of bad news. Are you ready to go into the trenches of al Qaeda and big butts, kids? Cause away we go!

Image of al Qaeda rebels via

Ever have one of those days at work? You know, one of those days where you're in the shipping room and accidentally superimpose the company's zip code on the spot reserved for the destination, or your computer crashes as you're inputting the final row on your 50-sheet Excel doc, or your boss walks in on you in the bathroom stall as you're taking your customary 3:15 PM shit? Well, sometimes, the folks at al Qaeda have those kind of days too. Except instead of their computers crashing as they finish an Excel sheet, they accidentally behead one of their fellow al Qaeda members. Islamic fundamentalist terrorists: they're just like us!

Image of Chinese children via

After pulling out the old abacus and crunching the numbers, China's realized their one child per household policy isn't a sustainable long-term plan. The country has relaxed that restriction, and now if at least one parent grew up as an only child, a couple can raise two kids. The country also abandoned its prison labor camps—euphemistic work that would have made George Orwell beam with pride—because they finally got around to believing that sentencing people to years and years of hard labor wasn't the best approach to being taken seriously on the international stage. Now, if only China would start taking steps to supply their people with air that’s actually breathable…

Image of previous Miss Bum Bum contestants via

If you've ever looked at porn from Brazil, you know everyone down there likes big butts. Predictably, Brazil has a modeling competition, not unlike a Miss America pageant, where judges determine the winner based on her behind. It’s called Miss Bum Bum, and it's a pun factory for headline writers. (Examples: Ass-Tounding! Derriere Extraordinaire! No Butts About It!) Rumors about bribery attempts marred this year’s contest—evidently, this is a regular event—with two specific contestants being accused of paying off judges to secure votes. But if those allegations were true, the payoffs were for naught, because this year's winner—a 25-year-old model named Dai Macedo with a bottom of 42 inches—won the competition fair and square. Or, if you will, without taint.

@RickPaulas

Previously - A Nerd Stole Bitcoins and Rand Paul Plagiarized Wikipedia