One of the four trillion problems with Hollywood is that it has made us all narcissistically convinced that there should be a meaningful and well selected soundtrack playing in the background of the miniscule events of our lives. This ends up very rarely being the case, unless you're having an emotional moment at a bar or wedding or something, while a song plays that relates tonally or lyrically to the situation at hand, in which case you are ruining the party so get out of there anyway, you big cry-baby.
Sometimes a song will come on that turns the situation around or makes it unwittingly hilarious. A friend of mine had to listen to “Papa Don’t Preach” while getting an abortion, thanks to the easy listening soft-rock radio stations preferred by nurses, doctors, and dentists the world over. But most often when there’s music happening, it's only tangentially related to the situation at hand. This, I think, is why people have sex playlists. It’s one of very few times in a person’s life where you can decide what tunes are going to accompany what act. Unless you hit shuffle by mistake.
So, the following is a playlist of songs that have come on inopportunely while I, or people I know, were trying to get sexy. Use this knowledge to clean up your iTunes OR to create the ultimate cockblocking compendium to ruin your flatmate’s life.
“Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time” - Paul McCartney
My first university boyfriend and I had to have music on whenever we fooled around, because the walls in my shitty residence hall were so thin you could hear the girl next door breathing. I was, and am, obsessed with the Beatles, and I’ve always found sexy playlists kind of sad and weird. So we used to just put on some John Lennon solo stuff and go for it. One day my boyfriend put the Beatles on, but just as things were getting properly heated up we were treated to the opening bars of this Christmas classic and the sound of sleigh bells was tainted forever.
Read the rest over at Noisey