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Food

“Have a Drink in a Real Fuckin' Bar for Once": A Barfly’s Guide to Toronto’s Watering Holes

Toronto is home to a shitload of bars; a quick online search turns up more spots than anyone's liver could possibly handle. I recently moved from Ottawa, a city where the majority of downtown bars are nightmarishly expensive tourist traps, I figured it was a perfect time to get acquainted with Toronto's drinking scene. I asked around for a nice hole-in-the-wall dive but the first few places I was sent to turned out to be trendy imitation dives specializing in overpriced drinks and catering mainly to the student crowd. What the fuck is that? In a city this size, how hard could it actually be to find a cheap, low-key bar where people can go to quietly unwind with a brew? Luckily John, an old family friend and proud resident of skid row, gave me a list of his favorite spots throughout the city and told me to "have a drink in a real fuckin' bar for once." With his list in hand, I set out for a few thrifty booze-fueled nights on the town."

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The Buffalo Restaurant (242 Queen Street East)

The first stop was situated beside Moss Park, a neighborhood well known for its prostitution, robberies, and homeless shelters. The nature of the neighborhood has pretty much guaranteed that this area's bars are frequented mainly by locals instead of the traveling crowd.

What John says:
"I like it 'cause all the fuckin' drinkers just wanna have a time. It's laid back and cheap. The shitheads usually get tossed, too"

First Impressions
You can judge a good dive bar by the sturdiness of the metal bars covering all the windows, so this place looked promising. As I was opening the front door, a kindly gentleman whose head was covered in blood greeted me and then immediately headed towards the washroom. The layout of this place is everything an antler and neon beer sign enthusiast could possibly want.

Staff
The barkeep was as friendly as could be. We sat at the bar as she talked continuously about her family and how long they'd run the place. She enthusiastically offered us pickled eggs for 75¢ each. Knowing John would be disappointed if I turned down the offer, we scooped out a few eggs and got our botulism on. The bartender would take regular breaks from the conversation to lay down the law, and bouncing out people she'd banned earlier in the week saying stuff like "I don't need all that bullshit," and, "all I want is to keep a quiet place."

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Clientele
The customers all seemed to know each other, scream-greeting everyone by name as they walked into the bar, even if they'd just stepped outside for a cigarette. It was like Cheers except scummier and instead of Norm and Cliff guys were named Pickles and Horse-Face.

Honorable Mentions
As I took out my camera to snap a photo of the bathroom sink (which was caked in dried blood,) I was greeted by a large man in a lumberjack coat who blocked the washroom exit and loudly insisted that I was "a piece of shit."

Alfie's Bar and Grill (222 Queen Street East)

Also in the Moss Park area, Alfie's is conveniently situated just a few doors west of The Buffalo Restaurant.

What John says:
"The Burgs are fuckin' good."

First Impressions
Even better than having metal bars on the windows is having no windows at all! Once inside, the only view to the street is through a cloudy glass door, which is perfect if you're looking to avoid vitamin D.

Clientele
While there weren't many people inside, the few that were hanging around seemed eager to sing Alfie's praises. Following up "This place is great!" with, "only a few people have ever been killed here, and the drinks are good too!" Apparently not too long ago, a man was beaten to death with a baseball bat in front of the bar as a retaliation for a robbery.

Food
John's claims about how "fuckin' good" the burgers were, was backed by the words "BEST HAMBURGERS IN TOWN" on the front sign. Using a plastic grocery bag as a glove, the bartender threw two massive piles of ground beef onto the grill. John was right. The burger ended up being delicious, and it was nice to have something in my stomach other than warm pickled eggs and beer.

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Honorable Mentions
Immediately after, right when I stepped onto the sidewalk, the happiest man I've ever seen jogged over from across the street, patted me on the back and with the smiliest face ever asked if I was interested in buying "a big bag of cocaine."

Mounties Dining Lounge (149 Dundas Street East)

Mounties Dining Lounge is found just east of the heavily commercialized Yonge and Dundas Square, in a neighborhood caught between a wave of new commercial development and old bankrupt businesses that have since been boarded up.

What John says:
"This is the place where I fuckin' fought a guy in the bathroom and woke up missing a bunch of teeth"

First Impressions
When John first started talking about Mounties, he made a point of repeating over and over that it looked worse than it actually was. While I've heard of people being discouraged from coming in because of the characters who never seem to leave the dimly lit entrance, the rest of the bar is a fair and spacious spot to wet your whistle. The bar was fairly priced and had a well-stocked variety of booze. There was also a fish tank above the bar, and let's be honest, anyone who doesn't like a fish tank is probably some sort of asshole.

Clientele
Compared to the other places on John's list, the customers in Mounties kept to themselves, grouped together in different areas of the bar. Also, I'm pretty sure there were more people standing out front all night than there were inside the bar. The peace and quiet was eventually broken by a yelling match at the back of the bar where the only words seemed to be "HE'S NOT MY SON!" followed by an equally angry and repeated "FUCK YOU!" until one of them ended up leaving in a huff.

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Staff
The bartender always seemed to be on the move, doing his job quickly and quietly, at first, only to meekly sing lyrics to "Let's Get Retarded" which played on the jukebox every now and then. He eventually threw his shy demeanor out the window by screaming at a customer who had set his beer bottle down in front of me.

Honorable Mentions
While the place was good overall, the Mounties washroom was in a nightmarish league of its own. Walking downstairs, you can slowly feel the unpleasant smell creeping up on you, only to have it slam you in the nose when you open the door to the men's room. In the two hours I was in the bar I hadn't seen a single person head to the washroom, yet it still smelled as if someone had recently wolfed down a lifetime supply of boiled eggs and voided their bowels all over the floor, walls, and ceiling. My brief stay in the washroom changed my life, and I'd strongly recommend the same trip to anyone looking for an out-of-body shits-perience. Good luck trying not to blorf pickled eggs and hamburger all over the place.

Pentagram Bar & Grill (2620 Danforth Avenue)

Further east than all of John's other recommendations, Pentagram Bar & Grill is found just east of Main and Danforth.

What John says:
"I don't usually dick around in this part of the city, but a guy at the Don (jail) talked about this place so I went over"

First Impressions
When I first walked in, I wasn't actually sure if the place was open. The only light that illuminated the bar was coming from the streetlights outside and the flickering light from a television set that was playing a muted episode of CSI Miami. The decorations around the bar were about as minimal as could be; the highlight of the décor being the bare Christmas tree sitting behind a bar-covered window.

Clientele
The only other customer in the entire place was an elderly man who'd fallen asleep at one of the tables.

Honorable Mention
If you're looking for a peacefully quite place to decompress on a weeknight, this is the spot. It was eerily quiet until the waitress reluctantly took money from her tip jar and used it to play her favourite song on the jukebox. We sat quietly, listening to the Sarah McLachlan and I started to wonder if the old man had fallen asleep, or just committed suicide.

Living in a city the size of Toronto guarantees that there's a bar somewhere out there that'll fit what you're looking for, whether it be an upscale lounge or a place that looks like Bukowski's toilet. While John's list only led me to a handful of places, it reaffirmed my belief in spots like these where you can show up, relax and hear some of the best stories around, all the while only dropping a few dollars on drinks. With hundreds of bars throughout the city, there's a whole world of spots for you to find, so get off your couch and go enjoy a pickled egg, you lazy bastard.