Bollocks to the Hippocratic Oath

BOLLOCKS TO THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH - DO I MILK HIM?

By Alex

Bollocks
A guy I’m seeing has asked me to milk his prostate. It isn’t surprising considering I’m a doctor, but for me it is the antithesis of hot. My main objection is the word "milking." That's for farm animals and breast pumps. I would never dream of whispering in a man’s ear, "I want to milk you dry." It’s like I’m about to masturbate a dairy cow. Or James Knight.

I have never done a prostate massage. They are not in my professional remit. Generally, only urologists carry them out to get a prostate secretion sample to investigate the health of the prostate for prostitis (inflammation of the prostate) or cancer. There is very little need for an emergency prostate sample in A&E. I did have one 80-year-old man come in with his electric toothbrush stuck up his bum. He had been trying a DIY milking and lost his grip on the handle. When his wife came to collect him, he made me tell the old biddy he had come in with chest pains. I felt guilty about her concern for his heart when in fact he had just been striving for one more geriatric gush.

The prostate gland is the male equivalent of that mythical place called the G-spot. Except the difference is the prostate actually exists, and not just in the pages of Cosmopolitan. The prostate is your friend. It produces the liquid part of semen to encourage the free flow of sperm. It is essential for ejaculation. Without it you would find yourself more frustrated than a Bible-belt gay.

Contrary to popular belief, the prostate is not in your anus, but behind the anterior rectal wall. The anus is just your easy access entry hole, though some able-fingered nurses boasted to me that they could make a man squirt by massaging the prostate through the perineum (the stretch of skin between your balls and bum). If you stimulate this little sack, a man will probably ejaculate--but, cruelly, orgasm is not guaranteed.

So after switching off my Google SafeSearch setting, and discovering the "Rude Boy Prostate Massager" and another chastity device that fundamentally electrocutes your genitals, I came up with the following rough medical technique. Begin with lubricated rubber gloves, get the man to bend over, insert finger. One wall of the rectum is hard, like the roof of your mouth, and the other is soft. It is a surprisingly big cavern once you get past the entrance tunnel, so navigate towards the belly button until you feel the prostrate gland, which is like a small round ball on the anterior side. It feels the size and shape of an almost ripe plum, with a cleft down the middle. Gently massage each lobe with no more pressure than you would use if touching your eyeball. Avoid the sensitised central area, and instead concentrate on either side. Massage in many different directions--left, right, horizontal, vertical, spell your name, etc. If you’re in the right spot, it should only take a few minutes before the manual stimulation releases the prostatic secretions--in other words, he ejaculates, which presumably is pleasurable for him once he has gotten over the initial shock to his masculinity of being fingered.

This process of genital-free drainage isn’t without its risks. Over-rigorous milking can lead to life-threatening haemorrhage, infection, gangrene, septicaemia (blood poisoning), possible spread of prostate cancer, perforation of the rectal lining, and at best a nasty case of hemorrhoids. It can cause tearing, which leads to urethral strictures--in other words, blocked pipes. It also makes you need to wee, which is always inconvenient when someone is engaged in your rear. Despite all the above risks, the general consensus is that it can produce a completely euphoric orgasm. Though I don’t fancy bumping into my colleagues in A&E while my boyfriend bleeds from the arse in the waiting room.

DR. MONA MOORE

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