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      Dildos, Benzos, and Astral Folk Pop

      October 16, 2012

      SEX - DILDOS

      When I was in high school and first exploring sex toys, I feared the dildo. I was down with vibrators, I'd drive with my girlfriends to the local sex shop, giggling and avoiding eye contact with the sales clerk as we picked out our sparkly pink vibes; a masturbation evolution from pressing our pussies up against the jets of our parent's hot tubs and touching ourselves under the covers on school nights. Yet I suppose I associated penetration with the awkward orgasm-less sex I was having with boys at the time, and didn't understand why anyone would spend their money on a stupid rubber penis. It wasn't until I was older and enjoyed lovely sex with experienced and giving partners that I learned to appreciate the importance of adding a quality dildo to your life.

      I've seen the Eiffel Tower at night, and I tell you, it's not as beautiful as a tattooed Asian chick wielding a giant dildo. If your partner is male, adding dildos into your sex life allows you to experience different degrees of penetration without straying from your man. An especially fun game to play is to switch back and forth between your boyfriend's dick and the dildo, allowing gang bang fantasies of being fucked by more than one cock without all that extra messy unfamiliar jizz. Dildos have been around for centuries, originally made of wood and stone, these days they are most commonly made out of silicone rubber, which is easily cleaned and holds body heat well. No matter your orientation or relationship status, for masturbation purposes or with partner; a treasure chest full of dildos is as exciting and crucial to one's pleasure as a toy chest is to a child.

      Some vibrate, some are double-sided, some are especially made for strap-ons; but if we're talking just basics I recommend the First Mate available at Babeland for $46. It comes in vanilla, chocolate, and caramel. My only complaint is that the edge around the head is a little too hard - a bit uncomfortable when being thrusted in and out of the delicate poonani. For my next purchase I'm going to go with something a little softer around the edges, and rather than a skin-color, I'd like something fun like purple. Purple in a Katy Perry way, not a vein-y penis way. (Hint, hint everyone! My birthday's coming up!)

      If I could go back in time to 16-year old Sophie, I'd tell her vibrators are great on their own, but once you add penetration as well, just a little buzzing over your clit is like a plain hamburger, still fine and all, but vibe-ing plus penetration is like a double-decker with extra cheese -- immensely more satisfying.

      DRUGS - THE BENZO POWER TRIO

      You may have noticed that writers make a lot of Benzodiazepine jokes. Despite our witty online persona and high Twitter follower counts, the truth is most of us are suffering from some form of anxiety disorder and secretly biding our time until we make enough money off a book deal or television show so we can become J.D. Salinger-level recluses. Anyway, I found myself wondering if the non-medicated people of the world know the difference between three of the most commonly referenced and prescribed benzos. Below I'll attempt to explain the difference between Xanax, Ativan, and Klonopin, using another famous threesome in the literary world - Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ronald Weasley.

      Xanax (alprazolam) is the Harry Potter of the bunch because it is the most popular and well-known, the fastest acting (he's so quick on that goddamn Firebolt), and also the most dangerous and abused. Like, holy shit, talk about abused, remember when Professor Lockhart accidentally removed all the bones from Harry's arm after a Quiddich match and he spent an agonizing night in the hospital regrowing his bones with Skele-Gro? I bet he could have of used some Xanax then. Because it kicks in so fast, up to eight to 25 minutes in some cases, Xanax is best used to treat panic attacks, rather than ongoing anxiety such as generalized anxiety disorder. The benefits peak around an hour and a half after ingestion, and it has a relatively short half life, about 6-20 hours.

      I'd say Ativan (lorazepam) would be the best fit for Hermione. Like Xanax, there is a risk of abuse and dependence but Hermione is one tough cookie, she can handle that. Plus from my own personal experience, it works pretty damn well at taking the edge off when you're hiding in a bathroom fighting off a panic attack (or in Hermione's case, locked in a bathroom with a giant troll on the loose). Ativan lasts longer than Xanax, its half life is 10-20 hours, with effects noticeable from six to eight hours. Hermione is pretty permanently high strung, so Ativan would be a better fit for her than Xanax since it lasts longer. 

      Ron is totally the Klonopin (clonazepam) of the three. Slow and steady and kind of dopey. Klonopin is the longest lasting of the three with a half life of 18-50 hours. It's also the least likely to cause dependence. Remember in book seven when Ron was the most affected by the locket horcrux and pussed out, momentarily ditching Harry and Hermione on their quest to destroy Voldemort? Not only does this show that Ron is likely the most affected by outside forces, and thus more prone to addiction, but he has some serious fear and anxiety issues. He needs the shit that will last a full 12 hours and give him the balls to fight off those death eaters, without turning him into a pill head. 

      I suppose I should mention Valium, the grandaddy Dumbledore of benzos, as it's a bit old and antiquated at this point but still some seriously high-potent magical shit.

      ROCK 'N' ROLL - JINJA SAFARI

      There's something about African music, in this case African-inspired astral folk pop played by a bunch of Australians that really moves the soul. Perhaps it's because Africa is where this whole human thing got started, perhaps they've just got more rhythm than the rest of us. Anyhow, I'm sitting here listening to these white boys, feeling more peaceful than I have in a while. And it's not just the cognac I'm sipping or the herb I'm lightly puffing, it's the tribal melodies, skipping around my apartment like happy little giraffe fairies, and the lyrics that float like clouds peeling away to reveal a perfect orange sunset.

      Oh, did I mention they covered R. Kelly's "Ignition" once with the help of a sitar? Uh... yeah.

      Jinja Safari was formed when Marcus Azon and Pepa Knight met at a campfire. Pepa is the producer with a fondness for obscure eastern instruments, Marcus is the lyricist with a deep connection to to his grandmother’s African home, the Ugandan town of Jinja, their namesake. The other three members are childhood friends who wanted in on the experience. Alister ‘Nugget’ Roach and Marcus grew up in Tasmania and Joe Stranger & Jacob Borg (bass and drums) went to high school with Pepa.

      You can download their track "Hiccups" here. Their CMJ schedule is below, be on the look out for an upcoming LP from these guys.

      Thursday 10/18 - 8pm

      Neon Gold presents PopShop CMJ @ Santos Party House

      Friday 10/19 
The Standard (East) w/ Kishi Bashi and Citizens

      Friday 10/19

      NME/ The Great Escape CMJ Showcase @ Cakeshop

      Saturday 10/20
The Aussie BBQ @ The Delancey (downstairs)

      Saturday 10/20 - 8:30 pm
Irving Plaza supporting Electric Guest

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