BROKEN HEARTS, BROKEN DICKS
BY ALLISON RAMIREZ
ILLUSTRATION BY JOHNNY RYAN
Dinks aren’t as sturdy as you might like to think, especially when they are secretly stuck into holes they probably shouldn’t be in. Men have a higher chance of snapping their dongs while cheating on their spouses, according to a recent study conducted by Dr. Andrew Kramer, a urologist at the University of Maryland Medical Center, who surveyed 16 men who had broken their penises between 2004 and 2011. (Probably because they were tired of fucking their wives and gave it a little too hard to the new girl, but that’s just our guess.) Also contributing to penile pain were sexual encounters under “out-of-the-norm circumstances.” We asked Dr. Dick how to prevent this unfortunate condition.
VICE: Your report says that people screwing in weird places are more likely to break their cocks. Can you give some examples of these dangerous locations?
Dr. Andrew Kramer: Situations such as sexual relations in elevators, public restrooms, and at work qualify.
If a man chooses to have an affair or deviant, kinky sex, how can he protect his penis from snapping like a twig?
By placing your hands on the woman’s hips or somewhere on her body to control the downward force that could result in the penis buckling.
Is a man more likely to result in a broken penis if he’s cheating with a man or a woman?
I didn’t study this, but I’m sure homosexual men have fractured their penises as well, and that the penis can buckle against an axial force in a similar way.
Why is it called “breaking” when there isn’t a bone in there? And for that matter, where did boner come from?
There are no bones in the human penis, although I’m told the dog has a bone of some kind in its penis. I think this is a slang term because the erection is hard and straight and resembles a bone.
FORGET THE FIRST NATION
BY BEN MAKUCH
PHOTO BY COREY ADCOCK
Violence-plagued Indian Reserves like the Samson Cree First Nation, where a five-year-old was recently killed in a drive-by shooting, and the Sandy Bay First Nation, where a woman was beheaded, underline just how fucked up rez life in Canada has become. Some reserves are starting to resemble Brazilian favelas: Gun crime and incarceration is soaring, HIV rates are on par with global highs, and more than one-third of aboriginals haven’t graduated from high school. The real kicker is that this massively impoverished group (totaling more than 1.1 million people) is not only statistically the youngest but also the fastest-growing population in Canada. The other problem is no one in Canada gives a flying fuck. The federal government doesn’t have any revolutionary plans in place, and the Aboriginal Affairs and Northern Development department is a monetary black hole.
It’s no coincidence most serial killers in Canada have targeted Native women, because cops don’t give a shit about them. Before the nation’s most prolific serial killer (Vancouver pig farmer and convicted murderer of 50 women Robert Pickton) was caught, Aboriginal prostitutes in Vancouver went to the authorities with information. “I have a friend that went to the cops in 1998 and told them about Pickton’s whole farm,” said Anishinaabe activist Audrey Huntley, who worked in East Vancouver with prostitutes. “They called her a ‘junkie ho.’”
There’s no denying the stats: Amnesty International maintains that Native women are five times more likely to be killed by violence than other women. Not to mention, young men are joining gangs faster than ever before, resulting in frequent gang wars. Police have been accused of indifference when it comes to Aboriginal crime. Instead of dealing with the issue, the government continues to preserve archaic policies like the 19th-century Indian Act. “Ten percent of cases will involve Natives, and the reality is they’re the hardest to solve,” said a former Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer. “Witnesses won’t come forward, there’s gang silence, or just overall distrust of police.” He added, “They think [cops] are the enemy. Sometimes I don’t blame them.”