A Growing Compendium of Exam Cheating
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? If you have mouth-sex with a homeless guy in a dumpster behind an Arby's, unbeknownst to your girlfriend, is it still cheating (even if he's dead)? If the answers to an exam are scribbled on a piece of ribbon tucked into the brim of your hat, or carefully written in the nutritional information section of a duplicate Gatorade label that you painstakingly reprinted and glued onto an old Gatorade bottle, and you never get caught, is that really so wrong? The answer to all three questions is, “Who gives a flying fuck?” As the weather gets nicer, and the sun begins to melt our integrity away like a popsicle on the sidewalk, staying inside, nerding out to books, and memorizing dates and formulae, is like playing leapfrog when you have elephantitis of the nuts. So if you’re currently trapped in the crushing deathgrip of higher education, and stressing out about the exam season, relax. We recently polled a few cunning charlatans about their favourite ways to creatively achieve results, and compiled them here for you. We know there are a lot more out there, so feel free to comment below and add your own preferred method.
Bring some gum, but none of that pop-open tab shit. You know, the old school kind, with the aluminum wrappers. Packs of Juicy Fruit, for instance, provide plenty of space to scribble crucial exam information. All you need to do is unwrap the gum at home, scribble down any pertinent info, rewrap the gum and chew away inconspicuously at the exam. Also, the aluminum wrappers crumple into extremely small, discreet sizes, making them easy to pass around. Delicious, and not suspicious.
MIRROR TAPED TO WRIST
This classic move involves taping a small make-up mirror to your wrist, strategically sitting near an oblivious nerd, and simply pretending to scratch your head while actually taking sneaky glances at their answers.
TAKE THE EXAM HOME
Wait for a sizeable group of students to hand in the test all at once, pretend to follow suit, but actually pocket the exam and take that shit home. Since the professor clearly saw you attend the exam, he/she will later think that theylost the exam. Get ready for some heartfelt apologies, but also the likelihood that you will have to rewrite the exam at some point. At least you’ve bought yourself some time and also know exactly what the exam looks like.
If you’ve got some scrilla to blow, expensive spy glasses allow you to read invisible ink. Basically, write any-fucking-where you want; the walls, the desk, your arm, your classmates’ arms. Sky’s the limit. It’ll only run you about 500 dollars, but such is the price of slackerdom.
SHIFTING DESKS BEFOREHAND
If you are able to get to the exam room early, start from the front of the room and gradually push desks closer and closer together as you move towards the back. If this is done subtly enough, the desks at the back of the room will be just a few inches away from one another, allowing you to sit closely beside your partner in crime.
USE THE TOILET
The bathroom is the ultimate cheat zone. Invigilators may accompany you to the bathroom, but they will not be looking at you make pee-pee in the stall. With exams that are a few hours long, a lot of people are able to finish up after about an hour. The trick is to buddy up with quick test-takers and have them make a copy of the answers once they’re finished. They can then go to the bathroom and tape the crib sheet discretely inside the upper deck of the toilet tank.
Many exams allow for reference guides like dictionaries, making it very easy to hide any important dates or key terms randomly throughout the book. Fun tip: the more pages there are in the dictionary, the less likely your tiny scrawls are to be discovered.
Of course, long sleeve shirts are great for hiding whatever is jotted down on your forearm. But full tattoo sleeves are even better. Basically, just embellish whatever tattoos you already have with relevant facts and no one’s the wiser. The best place to hide things is always right out in the open.
START A FIRE
If you happen to be of the ballsier persuasion, why not tactfully start a garbage can fire in the hallway? The alarms will go off, everyone will pour outside, giving you ample time to discuss answers with classmates. Or, if you want to avoid an arson charge while still achieving the same effect, just pull the alarm. Pussy.
Remember, all you need to do is put the right markings on some pieces of paper. You should be fine as long as you use your peripheral vision to get an approximate scan of where any invigilators are situated in relation to you. Above all, stay relaxed, avoid eye contact with the teacher, and keep your goddamn mouth shut. That means no bragging afterwards. Feel free, however, to give yourself a pat on the back for avoiding books and knowledge. That shit is for nerds.
By Greg Pike and Peter Murphy
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