Handjobs, Natural Stress Solutions, and Dumbo Gets Mad

SEX - THE UNDERRATED HANDJOB

The handjob is a lost art. Sure, plenty of us gave them in high school, and threw some pity handjobs in college. You know the kind where you drunkenly go home with someone and realize half-way into the make out session that they look like a Dr. Seuss character. Perhaps you realize too late that that's a NASCAR poster on his wall, but his cock is already out. There's no way that thing's going inside an orifice. Only option is a HJ.

But we should not only look at hand jobs as a thing to do to someone we barely want to touch. Our loved ones deserve them too. I recently spent some time in Sydney where prostitution is legal, and spoke about hand jobs with an artist who moonlights in an "Adult Erotic Massage" establishment and has "pulled a lot of cock lately." Never mind how we met, that story's for another time. My new friend and I agreed that every man is different, and she told me that despite all her experience she learns a new trick with each customer. And every vagina is WAY different. If you are rubbing even an eighth of a centimeter too far to the left, I won't come. So rather than write a step-by-step guide to massaging private parts, I'll leave you with this advice: Masturbate in front of each other! Learn how to rub your boyfriend's cock from the person who has touched it the most: your boyfriend.

There are many circumstances where sexual massage is the best option for orgasm. Perhaps you're on an airplane and the vibration of the turbulence gives your sex person a boner/she-boner. Now it would be rude to begin oral while seated on a passenger jet, but a sneaky lil' rub & tug is perfectly acceptable. Vaginas bleed; buttholes get sore. Mouths grow cold sores and you do NOT want to spread that shit to your partner's genitals. Sometimes a hand is all you've got.

DRUGS - NATURAL ANXIETY RELIEF

Somehow "Sex, Healthy Remedies, and Rock 'N' Roll" doesn't sound quite as catchy, but here goes nothing:

Lemon Balm (Melissa offifinalis) is an herb of the mint family named for its pleasant lemony smell. Aside from sedative properties, it's claimed to be an anti-viral effective against herpes simplex (treat your nasty cold sores and your panic attacks, Xanax can't do that shit). When my doctor first told me about Lemon Balm I went to a health store and bought a bottle in liquid form. I tried it out at my day job to get through some nasty Excel shit -- don't laugh, Excel has sent me to the emergency room before. Anyway, I squeezed a couple drops of lemon balm in my water and nothing happened, so I poured a shot or two more into my water and gulped it down. About a half an hour later, I felt goooood. Then I take a look at the bottle and discover this "liquid lemon balm" contains 3o percent grain alcohol. T

I've since tried Lemon Balm capsules, which are available on Amazon for less than $5. To be honest it doesn't do anything for me. I've been told its effectiveness improves with time if you take them everyday, but I get lazy. Obviously weed is a natural anxiety remedy, although it makes some people more anxious, especially if you're smoking the wrong strand. There's chamomile tea, which is nice to take the edge off while reading your little sister's textbooks on the bombing of Hiroshima before bedtime. One herb that has actually worked quite well for me is Valerian Root, also available on Amazon. I would love to support local health food stores, but until I somehow become a famous rich writer, I buy from Amazon since it is ridiculously less expensive. The first time I tried Valerian Root I was in line at Trader Joe's cranky as shit then popped three of these bad boys (without water, enough experience with pills and blow jobs and one becomes a terrific swallower) and THEY WORKED GUYS, THEY ACTUALLY WORKED! My only complaint is that the effects don't last very long, an hour or so at most for me. They do work quite well when taken before bed time to calm the mind.

ROCK 'N' ROLL - DUMBO GETS MAD

I'm a jet-lagged insomniac who hasn't slept in days. I've tried all the tricks I know; meditation, medication, marijuana, masturbation. Nothing is working. Dumbo Gets Mad's upcoming LP Quantum Leap sounds like how I feel. Like I'm half awake and half asleep, in between the worlds of dreams and reality. Very strange, yet calm. I may have lost my mind but it's alright because it can be beautiful to let it all go. You won't be able to hear Quantum Leap until early next year, but if I play it very softly tonight, I might just fall asleep. I'll dream of riding elephants with fairy wings, or perhaps I'll just float along the ocean, being tossed by waves yet protected by gentle sea creatures.

The Italian psych-pair look very pleasant in the album art, her breast resting uponn his chest, pressed together like a couple who just bonded over erotic massage than drank some Valerian Root tea. Here is what Luca has to say about the project:

"After two years I can say that Dumbo Gets Mad is probably something that unconsciously came out of my mind as a signal of change. I've always played music, it helped me since I was a little kid, to feel free and escape reality. If you come from a small city like I do, you easily feel the need to see things differently, even if just in your mind. All the inspiration had to come from my private fantasies if I wanted to explore new concepts. I found myself working on something that I had never done before. A completely different sound from what I was doing until then. I asked my girlfriend to help me and explore it, because I love the way she perceives things, and that is how it kind of started."

Watch the video for their single "Radical Leap" below.

@TheBowieCat