Hey Ron! - Am I Watching Too Much Porn?

Hey Ron!

I went through a bit of a drought in the ladies department this past year, so I started masturbating a lot. It went from just checking out the free movie clip sites on the internet, to actually paying for private chat rooms, full-length videos, and wanking paraphernalia like fancy lube. I've recently found a girl who is right for me and we've been intimate a few times. But it never satisfies me, and afterwards I always find myself watching porn to actually get off. Do you think I'm too into the porn thing? How do you know when you're watching too many girls on film?

Thanks,
The Spanked Monkey

I'm not a porn person. I just don't get it. When I was a kid growing up in New York, it was everywhere. There were more skin-flick theaters on 42nd Street than banks, liquor stores, or anything else. Today, it's even bigger. It's a billion-dollar industry, so I know people watch it, and I guess that's OK if that's what you're into, but personally I can't get gratification from stroking with Vaseline in my hand. I know guys who watch porn with their wives or their girlfriends. Some guys use it as a means to cope with the fact that they have no women, which seems to be what you did. And then there are guys who watch it before they link up with a woman, so they can last longer when game time comes. To me, that is one of the worst scenarios, because it shows that those men lack skill in the sack.

Whatever the case, it can be a problem if you spank it too frequently, and it definitely sounds like you are guilty of that. One tell-tale sign that you are doing it too much is if your girl is asking you to come to bed and you lie to her about having extra work to do just so you can rub another one out in the computer room. Another dead giveaway is if you are late to work because you have to spank it before you can leave the house. When you are not taking care of responsibilities on time in order to beat off, you've got a serious problem. But the worst is when your keyboard at work is sticky. Choking the chicken on the job says that you've lost all self-respect and are kind of acting like an addict. I'm SURE there are people at VICE who have this problem. They are the ones I don't shake hands with.

To ween yourself off of wankery, you need to start thinking more like Ron. When I see someone else having sex, the only thought that goes through my mind is that I should be the guy doing the deed. I ask myself, "What does he have that I don't have?" Then I realize it's only a couple inches, otherwise I'm in the ballpark. And that's when I try to find someone real to have a connection with. I don't beat it.

Honestly, I'm not even crazy about seeing naked ladies in regular movies. If I can't dip into the sauce, what's the point? To me, getting naked in Monster's Ball was the biggest mistake Halle Berry ever made. Her titties were touching her navel! I didn't want to see that. She was so sexy to me before I saw those sand bags scratching her belly. It just ruined her for me. It would have been a different story if that movie had been filmed when she was 25 with ta-tas as perky as the girls in Williamsburg who walk around without bras. But she wasn't 25, she was just Halle Berry with long breasts and that is sick to me.

The worst thing about porn is that it creates false values. People like you watch it and then you can't tell the difference between sex and love-making. Sex is what you want when you first get out of jail and you just need to release some pent-up tension. Love-making is what you do when you have an emotional tie with someone you care about. I realized all of this when I became a Christian. I remember having sex with a girl, who I was once very emotionally tied to, five years after we had broken up. Originally our sex was incredible because we were making love. But when we linked up years later, it was cold and basically just business. That's porn in a nutshell—just business. You don't want that in your life.

So stop sharpening your sword and concentrate on making the woman in your bedroom a happy lady.

Previously - How Much Should I Drink After Graduation

Ron is VICE's accounts receivable manager. He also happens to be a master of mixed martial arts and a treasure trove of knowledge and advice. Even your sick perversions, dysfunctional predicaments, and anti-social thoughts don't surprise him. So go ahead, ask him something already. Email Ron your questions to HeyRon@VICE.com or tweet them to @Hey_Ron. Every person who gets their question answered will receive their very own Hey Ron! t-shirt, three print issues of VICE magazine, and a personal note from Ron.