I Went to a Promise Ring Show and Took an Abstinence Pledge

Last month, I found myself among hundreds of awkward teenagers in a large auditorium in Cincinnati. If all were to go as planned, not a single soul in attendance would end up having sex before marriage. The Silver Ring Thing, an organization dedicated to duping kids into buying purity rings, is like the Cirque du Soleil of Christian teen abstinence programs. Since 1996, their mission has been to have as many kids as possible publicly pledge to abstain from premarital sex at one of their big virginity-promise events. According to SRT, more than 460,000 teenagers have come to past shows; 175,000 have put on the ring, and 85,000 have given their lives to Christ.

Buses pulled into the parking lot of Cincinnati Christian University for the last leg of the 10-month long Silver Ring Thing's One Night Stand Tour. At the registration area, energetic teens checked in, then immediately had their fingers measured by youth leaders for silver rings ($20 each) to be picked up after the event.

First on the agenda was a pre-event workshop to educate parents on how to keep their children's virginity intact: How will your child navigate the next five, ten, or 15 years of sexual pressure?

I turned up for the event wearing a T-shirt of a local sports team in an attempt to fit in: "Nothing strange about that guy. He likes the local sports!" Approaching a smiling youth leader, I said, "I'm here for the parent session," flashing the silver purity ring I bought off the Internet for validation. Hopefully, I could sell it on eBay afterwards.

"I want you to strongly consider putting on a ring yourself so you can pray for your child's abstinence every day," said a middle-aged man to a room filled with dozens of concerned parents. "How cool is that?" "Creepy" might be a better word. "I've been wearing this ring for almost 15 years now. I pray for my daughters purity every day—all three of them!"

I nodded, just a lone man on his own looking concerned about teen virginity, contemplating the visual imagery of a man praying for his daughter's purity. No unrealistic high expectations here, just a bunch of adults—who probably have regular sex—relaying to children that vigorous praying and a ring will replace basic human biological needs.

"I wish every parent in America would be doing what you are doing here tonight," the Silver Ring Thing man said. He went on to explain that parents should basically act as their kids' own personal NSA: monitoring their social networks, watching what they wear ("Don't advertise what you're not selling!"), and forbidding one-on-one dating until they're 16. Even then, parents are told to "inform both dating parties what will and will not be acceptable!" (Awkward.) The grown man beamed the benefits of this magical, silver, Jesus chastity belt: "Imagine your kid walking out of the house to go on a date and you know that they have a ring on their finger and that they value it."

Next, he explained what evolution-loving public schools instruct: "Respect yourself and your partner enough every time you have sex." Laughter erupted. "That's a value they teach that I think most parents don't agree with… Everyone deserves sexual fulfillment regardless of age, mental capacity, martial status, and sexual preference, as long as the sex is consensual…"

Parents frowned. (I frowned.) These stupid, godless, secular schools; next they'll be saying humans and dinosaurs didn't coexist.

"Let me tell you about the 'con' in 'condoms," he went on. "The tragic message the media gives our children: If you use a condom you will be protected. Nothing can be further than the truth…" Correct! A condom doesn't protect the most important body part of all: The heart; an area most susceptible to raging gonorrhea.

Abstinence might work for some kids (and it's not really a choice for the butt-ugly ones), but how irresponsibly dangerous is it to scare teens away from condoms in the age of HIV? These medical inaccuracies set kids up to fuck around without protection; SRT is Christ-centric; it's in their agenda to lie to kids about safe sex practices: "Teenagers' access to condoms have never been greater, yet we have a record number of infections…" A factor, perhaps, is teens being told that condoms aren't effective, gain zero instruction on use, and end up having sex anyway.

Then it was on to the main event. "All right! Y'all still with me?" screamed a street-talk-utilizing youth pastor named Spence from the stage, backed by flashy lights, pumping beats, and glow sticks. "Cool. You guys decided to come and kick it with us, and that's awesome!"

I settled into my chair, next to a row of parents, for an evening of Christian abstinence entertainment.

"There's still some people who'd say: 'Dude, you're crazy. It's 2014. There's nobody in my life who'd expect me to wait until you're married to have sex. I know of one person in your future who does…"

Spence periodically turned his baseball cap backwards, then forwards, as he spoke. I almost expected him to use the N-word to try to sound more street.

A female volunteer was then brought up for the classic abstinence "Pieces of My Heart" skit. A guy held a wooden heart which was broken each time he broke his purity vow. The pieces were then handed to his next girlfriend.

"She breaks up with him and breaks a piece of his heart," narrated an SRT team member.

More sex. More wooden-heart-breaking. At the end, a virgin bride appeared: "She waited for you, and what did you do?" The guy looked at his damaged heart and made a sad face; their heart pieces clearly didn't match.

Some hip-hop poetry about abstinence followed: "For me, there's no premarital lovin'. / Because I'm stayin' pure until the day I'm a husband."

We also saw a "funny" parody of MasterCard's "Priceless" commercial in which a guy walks away from a date with blue balls. ("One Silver Ring: $20. Always knowing how the night's going to end: Priceless.")

So far, this had been lighthearted fodder. Serious scared-straight abstinence shit was about to go down with the underlying message that if you hump before marriage, all this WILL happen to you!

After a skit in which two teens acted out what happens when you have sex before marriage—spoiler: It's bad—we were introduced to a girl whose life was ruined by pre-marital sex. "My name is Mackenzie," said the girl on stage. "I'm going to share my story. At the end of the night you can decide what you want your story to be."

Mackenzie has had premarital sex. This has, in turn, resulted in becoming alcoholic, homeless, and having an abusive relationship. Why? "When I was 16, my boyfriend gave me an ultimatum: Either you sleep with me, or you choose one of your friends I lose my virginity to."

Mackenzie ended up losing her virginity to him in the school parking lot. Instead of romance (from the town drug dealer) she got nothin' but sex. "That was the only thing we would do together. It would happen again and again and again…" (Is it wrong if her bad-girl story slightly turned me on?)

The suburban Cincinnati kids hung on Mackenzie's every word. "I found myself on my face in the bathroom of my home, in the ghetto, with no heat, no running water, holding a stolen pregnancy test pleading with the Lord it would be negative." (You see what happens?!)

The ultimate shocker: "The entire time we were together, he'd been sleeping with my best friend! I gave pieces of my heart away that I can never get back. Ever!"

Mackenzie eventually went to a Silver Ring Thing show, and her past was forgiven. "I put on this ring and made the commitment to wait for my future husband. And in 27 days, I'll be getting married." (Applause.) "There's nothing you have done that prevents you from starting over tonight."

"This commitment we talk about here tonight, it doesn't make sense to the rest of the world. We've come a long ways away from God's plan for sex," said Spence, brought back to close the show. He knows; like Mackenzie, he has experience. His premarital sex left him homeless, addicted to Oxycontin and cocaine (at the same time), and an attempted suicide. The hard sell: "God created sex to be between one man and one woman, in the context of marriage" (gays, take a break). "It's like a wedding gift God gives you. For it to be amazing, it has to be equally as powerful… You need to use it the way I'm telling you…"

And then it was time for the Silver Ring Thing pledge: "This ring is a visual reminder of your commitment," said Spence. "I want you to keep it on and not take off, you understand, until your wedding night."

He then instructed everyone to stand up, directing their attention to the large multimedia screens.

"Yo! This is the very last thing," Spence said. "What you see on screen is a vow. It's a verbal commitment to God. I'm going to start us off and we're all going to read it out loud. Here we go…"

The awkward teenagers chanted in unison: "In signing this covenant before God Almighty, I agree to wear a silver ring as a sign of my pledge to abstain from sexual behavior that is inconsistent with Biblical standards."

I looked around, loudly mouthing the words; everyone was taking this ritual no-smiles serious.

"On my wedding day, I will present my silver ring to my spouse, representing my faithful commitment to the marriage covenant."

"CLAP YOUR HANDS!!" screamed Spence at the conclusion—a thunderous applause, the sound of an auditorium of virgins clapping. "People just met God. Heaven is freaking out. LET'S MAKE SOME NOISE!"

Teens flocked to the front, filling out pledge cards on the back of friends and answering questions like: "Did you pray asking God to forgive you and take control of you life?"

An abstinence pledge is like AA. A number (5575) was given out to text in moments of weakness. Spence requested that everyone get an "accountability partner,"to check up on one another's virginity: "Ladies, your accountability partner must be a lady. Fellas, your accountability partner must be a fella."

Virginity came with a $20 price tag: "I want everyone to get a ring tonight. If you don't have the money, I want you to borrow it," Spence said, urging parents to donate money to become a ring sponsor to support SRT so they can follow up with their kids until the day they are married.

Then a big group virginity photo: "Let's do something CRAAAAAAZY!"

Afterwards, merchandise tables hawked all sorts of Silver Ring shit: DVDs, T-shirts, jackets, caps, stickers rings. The ring-purchasing reception line spilled out into the foyer. Groups of smiling kids posed for photos with outstretched ring hands. A tiny eight-year-old girl sat in the doorway reading out loud from the Silver Ring Thing manual: "They say one day you will crack and have sex before marriage, you can't keep up this goody two-shoes act forever…"

"What did you guys think?" said a neighborhood mom to a group of suburban teens. "Are you glad you came?"

"Yes…" they mumbled weakly in unison.

"Later this week, do you guys want to get together and discuss what we just learned?" she said. "I'll make brownies."

"I enjoy brownies," piped up a confused shy kid, trying to look optimistic about his sexless future. "Brownies sound awesome."