Introducing Justin Trudeau’s Cabinet: Here’s Why You’ll Hate Them Within Five Years

There have been a few words spilled recently over Prime Minister Justin Trudeau (god, that feels weird to write) actually going through with his promise of a cabinet split 50-50 along gender lines. "The cabinet should be based on merit, goddamit!" a bunch of crusty political writers have told us, as if they have forgotten the merit-based appointments of Julian Fantino, Bev Oda, Maxime Bernier, and This List Could Go Back To 1867 So I Am Stopping.

So, here we are: Trudeau unveiled his cabinet Wednesday and we writer types get to say things like "generational change" and "I've actually never heard of this person." But while I'll leave it to the regular pundits to bitch about why cabinet minister X is a disgrace and why MP Y should have been cabinet minister X, I'll stick to the singular truth—we will be angry with all of these people within five years.

Name: Justin Trudeau
Portfolio: Prime Minister
Region: Quebec
Gender: M
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: X
Likely scandal by 2020: Real change turns out to be more of the same, but with a smile.

Name: Bill Morneau
Portfolio: Finance
Region: Toronto
Gender: M
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: X (barely)
Likely scandal by 2020: We discover his gold-plated car and when questioned about it, says, "Well, we ran on running deficits, so that one is on the people of Canada."

Name: Stéphane Dion
Portfolio: Foreign Affairs
Region: Quebec
Gender: M
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: Boomer
Likely scandal by 2020: Dion gets lost in the Berlin airport and a crack team of Canadian Forces special ops must be dispatched to find him. Many good men are lost to the EDM scene.

Name: Catherine McKenna
Portfolio: Environment
Region: Ontario
Gender: F
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: X
Likely scandal by 2020: Greenhouse emissions are barely cut despite lofty goals, still no national carbon reduction system. Ocean swallows Newfoundland.

Name: Ralph Goodale
Portfolio: Public Safety and Emergency Preparedness
Region: The Prairies
Gender: M
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: Whatever born in 1949 is.
Likely scandal by 2020: He is not prepared for incontinence.

Name: Chrystia Freeland
Portfolio: Trade
Region: Toronto
Gender: F
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: X
Likely scandal by 2020: After finally pissing off one too many journalists by passive aggressively saying, "When I was a journalist, I would never ask that question that way," it is revealed her pen name is Heather Mallick.

Name: Marc Garneau
Portfolio: Transport
Region: Quebec
Gender: M
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: Boomer
Likely scandal by 2020: Loses cool with Quebec construction union, screams, "I went to fucking space, you asshats, I don't need your goddamn excuses!" Also, is caught on Periscope calling Chris Hadfield "a shitty musician and a worse astronaut." Double also, gives billions to Bombardier to build a spaceship, which they fail to deliver on time.

Name: Jane Philpott
Portfolio: Health
Region: Ontario
Gender: F
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: Boomer
Likely scandal by 2020: Threatens violence across the aisle after Conservative Party interim leader Michelle Rempel won't stop making marijuana jokes about her last name in Question Period.

Name: Hunter Tootoo
Portfolio: North and fisheries
Region: The North
Gender: M
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: X
Likely scandal by 2020: Cod stocks return, collapse again, Newfoundland gives up (before being swallowed by ocean).

Name: Harjit Sajjan
Portfolio: Defense
Region: Vancouver
Gender: M
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: X
Likely scandal by 2020: He is unable to defend himself from Andrew Leslie's coup.

Name: Dominic LeBlanc
Portfolio: House Leader
Region: The Maritimes
Gender: M
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: X
Likely scandal by 2020: After Buzzfeed Canada figures out how to play an old VHS tape, it discovers video of Leblanc and Trudeau dancing to Milli Vanilli in the early 1990s. Numerous staffers are trampled to death as they try to make GIFs of the incident.

Name: Judy Foote
Portfolio: Public Works
Region: Newfoundland
Gender: F
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: Boomer
Likely scandal by 2020: Federal-funded Scarborough Subway is named after Rob Ford, who is mayor of Toronto again.

Name: Jody Wilson-Raybould
Portfolio: Justice
Region: BC
Gender: F
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: X
Likely scandal by 2020: Doesn't get Justice's shit together on legalizing pot. A single person spends another day in jail for simple pot possession.

Name: Mélanie Joly
Portfolio: Heritage
Region: Quebec
Gender: F
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: Catalano
Likely scandal by 2020: Heritage minute about the Drake-Meek Mill feud of 2015 comes under fire for overplaying Norm Kelly's role. Found wandering through downtown Ottawa after a year in office, demanding to know "what the fuck people do for fun in this one-horse town."

Name: Scott Brison
Portfolio: Treasury Board President
Region: Maritimes
Gender: M
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: X
Likely scandal by 2020: When he takes over he finds that Tony Clement left the computer logged into Twitter. As a joke Brison starts tweeting nonsense. Like just utter drivel. "Really enjoying the new Our Lady Peace album," he tweeted, snickering to himself in late 2015. The Twitter jokes continue until May 2018, when Clement realizes he stopped paying his Twitter ghostwriter months ago.

Name: Carolyn Bennett
Portfolio: Indigenous and Northern Affairs
Region: Toronto
Gender: F
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: Boomer
Likely scandal by 2020: Holy shit, where to start. A national inquiry into missing and murdered Indigenous women results in few substantial changes. Many First Nations still don't have access to clean water. Inadequate housing is still a thing. Little is accomplished about higher rates of incarceration of Indigenous people….sadly, this list could go on for a while.

Name: John McCallum
Portfolio: Immigration
Region: Ontario
Gender: M
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: Boomer
Likely scandal by 2020: He falls asleep.

Name: James "Jim" Carr
Portfolio: Natural Resources
Region: Manitoba
Gender: M
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: Timeless
Likely scandal by 2020: Is reported to HR for continually asking people to call him "Big Jim."

Name: Kirsty Duncan
Portfolio: Science
Region: Ford Nation
Gender: F
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: X
Likely scandal by 2020: An appearance on Quirks and Quarks goes awry when she cannot properly explain quantum field theory. Bob MacDonald calls it "our great national shame."

Name: Maryam Monsef
Portfolio: Democratic Institutions
Region: Ontario
Gender: F
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: Millennial
Likely scandal by 2020: Canadians shocked to learn that the Senate still exists, then get saddled with an electoral system that involves math. Resigns in shame.

Name: Amarjeet Sohi
Portfolio: Infrastructure and Communities
Region: Alberta
Gender: M
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: Xish
Likely scandal by 2020: A national infrastructure program spends billions in Quebec. Weirdly, no one knows where the money went.

Name: Lawrence MacAulay
Portfolio: Agriculture
Region: PEI
Gender: M
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: He's 69!
Likely scandal by 2020: Is found to be in the pocket of Big Potato. Eats too many carbs.

Name:Jean-Yves Duclos
Portfolio: Families, Children, and Social Development
Region: Quebec
Gender: M
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: X
Likely scandal by 2020: The Liberals introduce a tax credit that does not directly target families with children.

Name: Marie-Claude Bibeau
Portfolio: International Development and La francophonie
Region: Compton, Quebec
Gender: F
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: X
Likely scandal by 2020: Makes a not terrible 'Straight Outta Compton' parody, causing Eazy-E to rise from the dead to ask 'What the fuck?'

Name: Kent Hehr
Portfolio: Veterans Affairs, and Associate Minister of National Defence
Region: Alberta
Gender: M
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: Boomer
Likely scandal by 2020: Whenever he's asked tough questions about veterans issues, he responds 'Would you rather Julian Fantino was taking care of this?' Nobody challenges him.

Name: MaryAnn Mihychuck
Portfolio: Employment Workforce Development and Labour
Region: Manitoba
Gender: F
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: Boomer
Likely scandal by 2020: Crosses the floor to the NDP to challenge Tom Mulcair's leadership in 2017.

Name: Diane Lebouthillier
Portfolio: National Revenue
Region: Quebec
Gender: F
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: Grandmother
Likely scandal by 2020: Gently suggests tax system is getting too complicated.

Name: Carla Qualtrough
Portfolio: Sport, and Persons with Disabilities
Region: BC
Gender: F
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: X
Likely scandal by 2020: Supports Toronto's winning bid for the Olympics, which Rob Ford fights against and rides a wave of populism back into the Mayor's Office.

Name: Bardish Chagger
Portfolio: Small Business and Tourism
Region: Ontario
Gender: F
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: Close enough to millennial
Likely scandal by 2020: All you still reading this? I dunno, something involving an Uber driver?

Name: Navdeep Bains
Portfolio: Minister of Innovation, Science, and Economic Development
Region: Ontario
Gender: M
Will this affect their job performance: No
Generation: X
Likely scandal by 2020: Meets with a young programer in 2016 from Waterloo's Cyb3rdyne Syst3ms, claiming he has developed advanced new defense technologies that will assist in drone warfare and missile defense. Bains enjoys the young programmer's moxie and assists in getting Cyb3rdyne Syst3ms a significant grant towards building their new technology. When the machines finally reach his office in 2019 after laying waste to most of Ottawa, they offer their gratitude.

Follow Josh Visser and Justin Ling on Twitter.