Meet Festy Nickle

My newest internet friend, Festy Nickle, is a prominent member of the Zombie Resistance Underground--an online group dedicated to teaching others how to survive during the imminent zombie apocalypse, or “z-day.” There is also a sex element to the the Zombie Resistance Underground, as many of the men involved seem to possess female sex slaves who they frequently photograph naked holding giant guns and swords. In fact, Festy has two sex slaves who he is currently training to be skilled zombie fighters like himself.

With All Saints’ Day upon us, let us commemorate Festy, as he is the one who’ll to teach us how not to die during the zombie holocaust. You’re welcome!

VICE: Firstly, where does the name Festy Nickle come from?
Festy Nickle: Festy Nickle was a player character I used in Dungeons and Dragons a long time ago, and then it became my call sign when I was doing OP-4 Training, which is training done with police and military units. If I can beat the police and the military, I can beat Zack.

Who’s Zack?
It’s a term we use for zombies. They can also be called Zeds, or sometimes just Zs.

In the zombie apocalypse, what skills will be valuable for survival? Who will be at an advantage, and who will be the weakest link?
First off, the most valuable skill will be the ability to keep your head in a very bad situation. Also, being able to grow and find food, and access to clean water will be vital. Real men--men with army training and those who are self sufficient and can keep stuff working--will be able to survive in the world after there are no Walmarts. The people who will die first are the ones who want to be Rambos, who think they can hit it off on their own but actually can't. Also the inter city groups will not last long, as once they run out of places to loot for food and water they will die off pretty fast.

What is your #1 zombie survival tip?
Having the right weapons and lots of ammo. The Ruger 10/22 and the Ruger 10/22 Charger are two of the best guns to use in a Zombie uprising. Also take your pick from these new tools from Gerber.

What weapons do you have?
I’ve got 10 real swords (not wall hangers), 9 pistols, and other odd ball stuff that can be used as weapons. I’m a gun smith, so I can fix most guns, and I make belts and holsters. I’m also a leather smith and make my own sex toys, like floggers and whips and things like that.

Interesting. Is it possible to have sex with a zombie?
I sure hope not.

Is zombism sexually transmitted?
Well, since the Zombie virus is spread by fluid contact, yes, sex would be an easy way to spread it.

How do you kill a zombie?
You have know what type of Zed you are dealing with and his weaknesses. But the general rule is, shoot ‘em in the head, they stay dead.

How many different types of zombies are there?
There are many types; it depends on what strain of the zombie virus the person has been infected with. For example in the book World War Z by Max Brooks, the strain is called Solanum, which makes a dead and very slow zombie, but even though they are slow they are very deadly. In the Morningstar Saga by Z.A. Recht the virus makes a Rage Zombie, who is the most deadly because he can run. There are also radioactive zombies.

You have two female slaves, right?
Yes, the first is Jade, who I have been married to for 15 years, and then Kat came to live with us two years ago. We all live and sleep together.

What roles will your slaves play in the zombie apocalypse?
They will fight too. We go to the gun range a couple times a month to work on shooting. Now they are both damn good shots and can get head shots at 25 yards every time.

So you all practice fighting zombies together?
Yes, we use mannequin heads--the kind used at beauty schools--for target practice. They are great to use because they are life size, and because only head shots kill zombies.

What other stuff do you guys do together?
We are big into the swinging lifestyle--I have been for over 15 years--and we have been in lots of orgies and a lot of gang bangs.

That sounds fun.
It is.

As someone who cares a lot about fashion, what should I wear during the zombie apocalypse?
A flightsuit or an army combat uniform.

And lastly, when exactly will the zombie apocalypse occur?
My guess is 12-21-12. They say something’s gonna happen, and I say it’s gonna be the dead coming back to eat the living.

KARLEY SCIORTINO