Orlando Bloom’s Dick: An Investigation

We've been thinking a lot about deleting Twitter lately—for the last year or so the microsharing app has been more of a stale newsfeed than its usual fire cache of jokes and gossip. But then today something glorious happened and we stopped ourselves from hitting that tiny x on our phone's homescreen. Why? Cause of Orlando Bloom's dick.

Like us, many of you are probably wondering why Orlando Bloom, an actor best known for playing an elf (we think?), is suddenly trending on Twitter. And if you're lucky enough to have followed your curiousity down the Twitter rabbit hole then you now understand that he's trending because he's got a very unique style of paddleboarding that's given us unfettered access to his penis. Bloom is on vacation with girlfriend Katy Perry and as the photos show, well, wow, he is fully nude and we are here for it.

There's a lot to unpack here so let's get unwrapping:

Why is Katy Perry fully dressed while a completely nude Bloom sherpas her around the sea mere inches from her swimsuited body? Does paddleboarding feel better naked? Did he not tell her it was clothing optional? And why is she facing AWAY from him? How could anyone in such close proximity to the sun not stare directly into its penetrating light? Notice his posture: it's so regal, kind of like a captain at sea. As we all remember, our sharp-goateed Orlando was part of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise along with fiery trashbag Johnny Depp. Is this paddleboard his Black Pearl? Do you see that Lord of the Rings tattoo above his pelvis that he happens to share with everyone else on the main cast of the film? Bet they never thought they'd see it in this…light.

And there's something to be said about Bloom's tanning regime, or lack of one, for that matter. This dick is trapped between two extraordinarily pale thighs. This might account for why he felt the need to bare all. The man was just trying to sort himself out tan-wise.

At least he was wise enough to wear a baseball hat—skin cancer is no joke and we hope he lathered up some SPF 50 before taking to the paddleboard. We have no idea what said baseball hat has written on it, because his dick is literally the only clear thing on any of these pictures, but we're going to go ahead and assume it says something like, "IMPENDING TWITTER MELTDOWN."

In terms of uh, size, it's very difficult at this juncture to accurately determine what we've got going on. Amateur sleuths on Twitter are oscillating between "it's too small" and "can we get a few more angles." We firmly (no pun intended) fall into that latter camp, and will happily wait with baited breath for the internet to bless us with additional footage.

And, of course, there's Katy Perry: stunningly oblivious to the internet apocalypse slouching towards her. She's almost Buddha-like, sitting cross-legged in front of Bloom finally at peace with herself. We don't blame her, these photos have also put us in a zen state, forever changed, free of the trappings of the material world.

So, thank you Orlando Bloom's dick, you've proven yourself to be just the distraction we've all needed, nay, earned, as we close the chapter on another exhausting week in this thing we call life. To quote Sarah's mom, "I guess things are becoming freer." Freedom, as we have now learned, is truly beautiful. We close this case the only way we know how in 2016: with reaction GIFs.

Follow Amil, Sarah and Navi on Twitter and Orlando on Twitter.