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      Pen Pals - If You Build Her, You Will Cum

      September 1, 2011
      From the column 'Pen Pals'

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      One of my favorite things to do in the whole wide world (in jail, at least) is to fuck rubber gloves. I call my rubber glove/artificial vagina “Suzy” (in some circles, it’s called “Fifi”) and she loves me ‘cause I give her me bone sweet ‘n’ tender long time. Yeah.

      The first time I freaked the Suzy (nearly seven years ago—where has the time gone?) I was foolish enough to mount her standing. I nearly collapsed when I blew the gunk out! I’ve been turned out ever since her warm, slippery snatchness made me weak in the knees. I have probably run through 500 pairs since, and reused the same ones on a number of occasions, which probably explains the mysterious rashes.

      OK crackers and crackettes, let’s learn how to manufacture the most basic Suzy. There are many ways to make your own “original” Suzy design, but all involve latex gloves, Vaseline, hot water, and something to wrap around the gloves to create a vagina-like tightness. When I was just a kid, I used a towel tightly rolled around the gloves, or even the cheap, inch-thick mattress I slept on. In the county jail, I had my own cell where I would roll that mattress into a life-like rump with Suzy stuffed in the middle, and drop the drill on that wet gash, mashing down into the dirty cement floor like a deranged jackhammer. If you can get three rubber gloves you are golden. (You need to fight for these latex gloves sometimes, because inmates love to fuck them and stuff them into our buttpockets to smuggle contraband.) Two of these gloves will serve as the pussy walls, and you’ll fill these (to desired porkiness) with hot water, tie them at the wrist, and then tie them together. Next, you delicately position them up the third glove and fill it with baby oil or lather it up with Vaseline. Usually at this point you put Sam Cooke on the Walkman (yes, inmates still use Walkmen), wrap the towel around the gloves in a nice neat circle, and you’re ready to romance Suzy softly to sleep.

      It’s important to always do your best to heat Suzy up in the microwave, especially if you are recycling the same model, to kill the germs, worms, and thangs. Suzy is far more bonerable with heat—once you stroke yourself with warmth you will never jerk cold-handed again.

      One of my prison pals wakes up at 4 AM every morning to give a bone to Suzy. Being a night owl type, I sometimes wander into the spunkatorium [bathroom] to bear witness to his masturbatory mayhem. Often, when he’s penis-pumpin’ Suzy it sounds like frying chicken or even turkey basting, but that’s not too big a deal since most of us lost any semblance of shame long ago. One early morning, I was blessed enough to overhear him muttering these words, which I will never forget: “Arch your back… I said ARCH YOUR BACK, GODDAMMIT! Yeah, that’s good… Don’t look at me… Officialllll.”

      After a few years of bonerizing the OG Suzy, I got introduced to SuperSuzy, and she feels awesome and is easy to put together, albeit a little wasteful. All you need for the SuperSuzy is one latex glove, one cushiony roll of toilet paper, a suitable lube, and you’re ready to administer a salacious skull-fucking. First you remove the cardboard from inside the roll—you won’t need it. Then you take the glove’s elastic wrist and ever so gently (remember, this is your foreplay) attach it snugly around the end of the roll. Once soundly secured, gingerly stuff the rubber fingers into the hole where the cardboard roll once resided. Now spit in the hole, kiss her hard to make her feel like a desirable woman and to give it a more authentic saliva feel, and you can go to town.

      As you penetrate SuperSuzy, she elongates, stretches, and tightens to perform truly remarkable tricks on your cock, reminiscent of a real deep throat experience. If you are fond of droolers and spitters, keep some artificial lemon squeezer handy for squirting. Sometimes I cut out a picture from a porno (Buttman) with tears, cum-bubbles, and snot included, and tape it to the top of the TP roll for inspiration. I suggest cutting the offending phallus out of the picture for a better POV experience. Personally, I enjoy shouting at SuperSuzy in Spanish: “Chupa mi cabra, Mami! Todo del bicho en la boca fuerte y suavecito… AY! AY! MIRAME! TOMA! TOMA!” It really adds to the surreal absurdity of gettin’ some neck from a rubber glove.

      All jokes aside, I invite everyone out there to use some creativity and build a Suzy, and fuck that rubber glove ragged. Get in touch with your inner inmate.

      Bert Burykill is the pseudonym of a guy serving time in a medium-security prison in upstate New York for drug possession. We don’t want to get more specific than that, because apparently the prison doesn’t look kindly on its inmates publishing anything negative about incarceration.

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