Rob Ford Is Stepping Down so Doug Ford Can Discover He Can’t Win an Election

DoFo giving reporters the death-stare. Photo via Twitter user Don Peat

With just over a month to go before the municipal election, Rob Ford’s mysterious abdominal tumor, which was addressed last night at Mount Sinai hospital by colorectal cancer expert Dr. Zane Cohen, has forced the crack-smoking mayor of Toronto into a hospital bed for further testing. As a result of this medical emergency, Rob Ford’s brother, a kickboxing black-belt holder by the name of Doug Ford, has taken the reigns of Robbie’s campaign and will aim to extend the rich legacy of a Ford-run Toronto into 2018.

Despite his noble intentions, Dougie showed up to City Hall’s elections office with inadequate paperwork to run, which nearly ruined his campaign before it even began. But, like a Hail Mary in the fourth quarter (the Fords love football, remember), he was able to fill out a goddamn form properly, just in time for this afternoon's 2 PM deadline, and is officially in the race.

Rob, despite being hospitalized, is not completely out of municipal politics in 2014. His nephew Michael, who was originally going to run for Doug’s council seat, has stepped down from running in Ward 2, and RoFo will now be running for City Council.

Nice try, Mikey.

While Robbie had already fallen behind in the polls to mayoral candidate John Tory (a conservative, creationist candidate who has swayed many potential Rob Ford voters to his camp) before he discovered his tumor, Robbie’s hospitalization was quite clearly the final straw for an already damaged campaign—marred by years of extreme controversy.

All of this surprising news comes on the heels of another shocking Rob Ford revelation, pertaining to the production of “Crack Tape 2,” a video shot in Kathy Ford’s (Rob’s sister’s) basement, which the Globe and Mail released screenshots of earlier this year. The Crack Tape 2 leak, if you recall, forced Rob Ford into rehab.

Apparently, the video was filmed by a man whose street nickname is 'Jugga.' Jugga was picked up by the Toronto Police on a dangerous weapons charge for brass knuckles shortly after news of Crack Tape 2 broke (a charge that has since been dropped due to insufficient evidence). In a report published yesterday, Jugga told the Toronto Star he was angry with Rob Ford for calling him the N-word and throwing pennies at him, during a drugged-out party in Rob’s sister’s basement.

If you take any lesson away from this, people, it’s that you shouldn’t whip pennies at people while smoking crack and yelling racial slurs. Especially if you’re the mayor.

On top of all this, Rob Ford has recently been subpoenaed to testify in his buddy Sandro Lisi’s trial, set to take place next spring. Sandro is being accused of extortion in connection to Crack Tape 1, and apparently was present during the taping of Crack Tape 2, where Rob Ford allegedly pummeled Lisi until he was in tears.

With all of this on Rob Ford’s plate, along with the recent revelation that he made his former football team roll around in goose shit as a punishment (news that, with all that we know now, really didn’t make much of an impact), it’ll be hard for Doug Ford to separate himself from the many mistakes of his brother. While Doug has largely stayed out of the scandal-tornado that has engulfed Rob Ford’s entire tenure as mayor, the allegations of his past as an intimidating drug dealer should still be in voters’ minds.

Doug will have a tough job teaching Toronto how to Dougie (fingers crossed he uses the Cali Swag District song as his campaign theme) when the city has become so accustomed to the aggressive foibles of his brother Rob. He will also need to get some A-list talent on his side, given that Rob has garnered the support of such non-controversial figures as Mike Tyson and Don Cherry. Doug also does not have the late night talk show experience that Rob has, nor has he bro’d down with the people in the same way that his crack smoking, racist brother has been able to—capturing the hearts and minds of about 28 percent of Toronto’s voting block. In fact, Doug Ford mainly seems to be really, really pissed off a lot of the time.

He’s demonstrated that he doesn’t understand the concept of racism and has delusional dreams about becoming premier one day. Plus, it wasn’t so long ago that he had to apologize for making libelous statements about the Chief of Police. Oh and let’s not forget about his battle with a group of autistic children.

So, Doug Ford has a mountain of bullshit to climb if he wants to plant the Ford Flag in the mayor’s office again. It seems like John Tory still has it in the bag, but you never know what kind of combination of secret videotapes, celebrity endorsements, and drug scandals could still emerge to tip the scales of the election. It’s too bad the more progressive candidates in the race have so far been unable to drum up anything resembling a fighting chance, but moreover, today is further evidence that Ford Nation is going up in flames. Follow Patrick on Twitter