Rob Ford, the World's Greatest Mayor, Will Whip Your Ass
Nov 30 2012
Our mayor, showing off his floppy tie, doing what he does best: yelling at people.
It’s been a long week for Rob Ford, the World’s Greatest Mayor. On Monday, Rob was fired by the City of Toronto and removed from his position as "guy in charge of Toronto," simply because he wanted to get a little extra cheese for a group of rapscallion football players who probably needed a new Gatorade tank and jerseys. Perhaps it was not in his best interests to seek donations for his own personal football charity, while he was city councillor, by using City of Toronto letterhead, but what’s done is done and we’re pretty sure that the patron saint of football, John Madden, would fully approve of Rob’s charitable antics.
Since Monday, Rob hasn’t had any problem keeping his chunky pink face in the news. On Tuesday afternoon, he issued a public apology to the universe in a voice that the Toronto Star described as “croaky.” We all know, though, that Rob is more of a prince than a frog. As Rob said: “This entire matter began because I love to help kids play football.” That much is absolutely true. Rob also restated that he will be appealing the decision, in order to try and get his job back.
That same day, Toronto’s “top lawyer” said that Ford would not be able to run for mayor again until 2014, if his appeal fails. Well, guess what top lawyer? You were completely wrong. The same judge who got Rob fired in the first place, decreed today that it would be totally chill if Robbie tries to run in the upcoming by-election, providing that his appeal fails.
Unfortunately for our main man Rob Ford, being the first mayor in the history of Toronto to get thrown out of office was not the only crushing defeat he suffered this week. Rob’s beloved high school football team, the Don Bosco Eagles, lost in a very public championship game at the Rogers Centre on the same day he issued such an emotionally authentic apology. One of our intrepid correspondents, Katie Heindl, was there to check out the game. In her own words: “Rob was like a shell of himself. He was totally un-animated and appeared to be dragging himself along with a malnourished lethargy. He only seemed to rouse when the Eagles got a touchdown. It was sad.” Even the Don Bosco Eagles’ mascot looked upset.
Katie’s iPhone photo of the frowning Eagles mascot.
Football losses and unprecedented political failings aside, Rob is back in the game. Earlier this morning he released a banger of a campaign ad, embedded below. In it, he demands his audience to “Respect Democracy” and blames a “politically motivated technical objection over how he raised money for under-privileged kids” for his removal from office. The ad also reminds the viewer that: “this is Canada,” in case anyone had begun to believe that we were living in an anti-football dictatorship.
Not only is Rob making sweet YouTube videos to bring the city back on his side, he’s also throwing out threats laced with S&M innuendo at City Hall. Apparently, last night, Rob Ford got into a bit of a kerfuffle with mayoral hopeful Adam Vaughan over a real estate development project that the Toronto Star reports Rob, admittedly, “knew nothing” about. Things got a little heated, and Rob told a couple of councillors that he was going to “whip” their “asses.” It seems as if Adam Vaughan is trying to pass through a deal that would bring a new building to Queen St W., in exchange for a million bucks from the developer in “community benefits.” Rob has made this type of deal before, to get a fresh dressing room for the Don Bosco Eagles, but clearly there’s something hidden and nefarious about Adam’s plan that Rob is trying to protect Torontonians from. Anyway, the whole thing wrapped up when Rob told Adam he was an “outright liar.”
It will certainly be interesting to see how Rob Ford, the World’s Greatest Mayor’s quest to get back into a leadership position will play out. We will be attentively watching the heroic actions of this grossly misunderstood political character as he waddles around the city: losing high school football games, issuing public apologies, releasing fantastic political ads, and revealing his love for homoerotic S&M play in city council meetings.