Clitoral Gel and Coke

SEX - Wet Wow Clitoral Arousal Gel

I have had only one orgasm in my life unaided by clitoral stimulation. It was with my high school boyfriend on the beach at night (seriously) in missionary position, before my vag became dependent on vibrators and filthy porn. With so many women unable to come due to SSRIs or lazy lovers, I support any product meant to enhance female orgasm.

I was sent two samples of Wet Wow Clitoral Arousal Gel: Gentle O and Max O. Before I used it, I Googled the ingredients. It contains peppermint and menthyl nicotinate, the stuff in lip plumpers, which works by increasing blood circulation and dilating capillaries. It also has vanillyl buther ether, which is responsible for the warming sensation.

I tried the Gentle O first. I had my boyfriend rub it on as instructed, "a pea-sized amount to the external female genitalia, including the clitoris, around the clitoral hood, labia and external vaginal opening." It made my vagina feel pleasantly warm with a mild tingling sensation. We then banged with the help of a vibrator to give the Wet Wow a fair shot at giving me an extra explosive orgasm. Ladies, if you're not already using a mini vibe during sex you need to start. I recommend the RO 88mm Bullet Vibe available at Babeland for $25. Rubbing one out with your hand while getting plowed usually does the job fine, but when you want an orgasm so big you momentarily go deaf, go with the vibe.

I jizzed my face off, but I'm going to credit my boyfriend and the mini vibe for that. Rather than aid in orgasm, I'd say the arousal gel is good for increasing overall sensation. I liked it!

I later tried the Max O alone with my Bullet Vibe. While I usually advocate go big or go home, I much preferred the Gentle O. While the gentle stuff felt burning in a good way, the Max O burned in an "oh fuck do I need to get tested?" way. It felt like my pussy had smoked a menthol cigarette.

You can purchase Wet Wow at www.stayswetlonger.com. Go with the Gentle O and for fuck's sake don't get it in your eyes.

DRUGS - The Cocaine Crash

Cocaine wears a sexy mask. Delicate white powder inhaled off a dainty mirror that makes your panties wet with a Patrick Bateman arousal. A throbbing clit from the thrill of ingesting something illicit up your pretty little nose. A bump inhaled discretely at a club between sips of champagne, off the keys to some older man's Tribeca apartment.

And then the morning comes.

Cocaine elevates the dopamine and serotonin levels in the pleasure center of your brain. When the drug wears off you experience a hard slap to the face from Isaac Newton: For every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction. The higher you get, the harder you fall.

It's like climbing up a mountain. You want to get higher to get to the top, then suddenly you meet the edge of a cliff and not even a benzo parachute can save you from the inevitable fetal-position your night will end in. Anxious spiders crawl out of your clenched chest and spin a web of fear in your mind.

"Oh my god there's blood on my pillow. I'm having another nose bleed. Am I going to need nose reconstruction surgery? My insurance won't cover that."

Paranoia sets in.

"Everyone saw me go to the bathroom all night. Fuck, I was so cracked out."

Sleep is the cure but physically impossible.

"I can't do this to myself again."

A bad crash can act as the final tipping point, a rotten cherry on a sundae of reasons to leave the blow behind. Maybe you'll delete your dealer's number and go several months without buying a bag of your own.

And then it's New Year's Eve. There's sequins on your dress and sparkles in your wine. With one hour to go until midnight, your answer is yes when someone offers you a little white line.

MUSIC- Lightning Love

I dye my hair red and wear ripped fishnets. I enjoy pansexuality and quasogamy (a term to describe quasi-monogamy I learned from James Deen) but guess what else I like:

Grey's Anatomy.

THAT'S RIGHT. GREY'S. FUCKING. ANATOMY.

I should add that Sasha Grey's Anatomy is also worth checking out.

Anyway. What I'm trying to say is that everyone needs some pop in their life from time to time. It keeps you from becoming a condescending fucktard. And Lightning Love is perfect for those wary of eating too much sugar. The Michigan trio's dainty melodies are paired with some pretty dark bitchy lyrics. The music is so pretty you might not even notice the depth of the lyrical content on a first listen.

You get the sense they might be quite knowledgeable about prescription meds. I'd like to have a beer with them and ask about their preferred method of treatment for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I plucked OCD from an array of possible anxiety disorders because like clouds in a realist painting, yeah it's fluffy, but those clouds were painted with meticulous attention to detail.

A favorite Lightning Love song of mine is "Deadbeat." It sounds all like, "yeah I'm kicking you out you lazy piece of shit, but I look too damn good to be depressed about it, plus I got like 37 new messages on OkCupid and a date with an older rich guy at a champagne bar later so fuck you."

You can download "Deadbeat" here. It's off their upcoming Blonde Album which comes out August 28 2012.

Previously: Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'N' Roll - Morning Wood and Pop Crushes

@TheBowieCat