Meet the Nieratkos

That Bitch Sandy Took Away My Porn

By Chris Nieratko


Crack dens are so easy to spot.

Like most people in New Jersey, I lost power Monday night due to that historic bitch, Hurricane Sandy. After three days without the internet I now know what it's like to be stranded on a deserted island for years. Instead of sticking a message in a bottle, however, I am forced to deal with greater uncertainty every time I hit send on a text or email on my iPhone, unsure if my message will go through or—god forbid—take upwards of four minutes!

People are not meant to live like this! Yesterday I had to pick up my own pizza. The horror!

PSE&G has said that I'll be without power for 7-12 days. I don't think I can go that long without internet porn. When my wife told me I have porno mags in the garage, I looked at her in disgust, "I don't even remember how to use those!"

If I could Google "how to make a noose" I'd end it all now.

Below are some photos of my experience in this modern day concentration camp. If you're reading this that means my emails went through, and so I'd like to take this opportunity to say please send a solar modem ASAP! I fear I won't last much longer.

Last week Andy Capper and I were in Sunny LA filming Belladonna for the next episode of Skinema.

We heard no mention of Hurricane Sandy out there. I'm not sure if Californians are oblivious to the rest of the country (world?) or they just don't care. Either way, we should have stayed in LA and pretended like Sandy wasn't happening too.

But we didn't, and right before the rain started Sunday I went out to forage for the necessary supplies I knew my family would need. My heart sank and I was overcome with a feeling of helplessness when I saw the store was closed. I asked God and all those around me, "What manner of animal would forsake his fellow man on the eve of catastrophe??? The horror! The horror!!"

In my head I cursed the store owner's family.

Then someone said, "They don't open till noon."

Oh, right. I knew that. I was just joshing when I said we should burn it down.

In a second race against time, with only hours to go before the storm hit I sped to NYC to grab skate filmer RB Umali's generator that he uses for night filming.

Thanks to him, a bunch of my neighbors got to hide from Sandy in my basement like Anne Frank hiding from the other kind of showers. It also allowed my kids to eat in heat.

This guy was probably the luckiest guy in my neighborhood. All the branches that fell off his trees landed right in the back of his truck.

I bet you didn't know I could limbo. It's actually a requirement to live in my gated community, Limbo Heights. Six months I trained before my meeting with the housing committee. It's nice to know that even in the worst of times my neighbors are down to set up a makeshift limbo course.

This is the right side of my house. The side my son's room is on. The side the wife and I sleep on and occasionally fornicate on. My only concern throughout the storm was that a tree would come down on my son's room and kill him. I got no sleep thanks to this fear. My brother-in-law told me about a neighbor of his who had a tree crash through his roof, landing just inches above his bed. Had he been on top of his wife he'd be dead. Not a bad way to go, depending on what his wife looks like.

When I saw the tree next to our house had fallen away from us I was both relieved and empathetic.

I am not an ambi-turner. I only go left out of the driveway, never right. So really I don't care what happens on my right; I'll never see it. This house is a few doors to the right so I can't say with any certainty if this tree was knocked down by the storm or if it's always been like that.

This is my backyard. This tree branch took out my fence, garden, and part of my shed. It just missed my house.

As much as I want to blame the Taliban for the storm, I think my wife had something to do with this tree coming down on our garden. Over the past three years I've extended this garden each spring, growing it from 8' x 16' to 16' x 16' to its current size of 24' x 16'.

I told my wife that was it! No more! Then for her birthday in September I got her a juicer. She was so excited that she said we should extend the garden to grow fruit for juicing.

I said "no way!"

One month later a tree takes out the garden so it has to be rebuilt. Coincidence?

The weirdest thing about the aftermath is everyone outside raking their leaves. I don't get it. What the hell is that going to do? Or are you just bored and can't sit still? I never get a day off so I took the time to try and burn a hole through my living room wall with my heat vision. Been staring at it for 19 hours now and my wife says she thinks it's starting to smolder.

In the middle of the chaos I was thinking to myself I should hurry up and write one of those Perfect Storm type movies before anyone else does. Instead of being lost at sea fishing I'd be stuck in my backyard trying to barbecue. The scene when the chopper pulls me up and I have to say goodbye to my grill and my unfinished steak is going to be a real tear-jerker.

We barely knew ye.

For more stupid go to Chrisnieratko.com

@Nieratko

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