The Globe and Mail Inspired Us to Have a Fire Sale
It looks like the Globe and Mail is having a very busy week. After facing-off against a blatant string of plagiarism by Margaret Wente, detailed tirelessly on the Media Culpa Blog by the University of Ottawa professor Carol Wainio, it now seems they've got into the real estate game.
If you’re not familiar with Leah McLaren, she’s a columnist who’s “Home of the Week” features new Toronto homes that have recently come up on the real estate market. Last week McLaren thought it’d be a great idea to feature her own house in her own column about awesome houses you can buy. Maybe it was a slow week in real estate or maybe she just wanted to make sure she had a better shot at getting her $600,000 asking price, but no matter how you slice it, it doesn’t get anymore conflict of interest-y than that.
Which got us to thinking, we're pretty sure we have some stuff lying around that we'd like to make over a half a million for. Heck, if it's good enough for the Globe and Mail, it's good enough for VICE, so we decided we'd like to sell some of our own shit too.
Our dutiful intern Sam is not only adept at taking out the garbage, stalking celebrities, and filming rap shows, he is a goddamn casanova with the ladies and the fellas. We are offering you a very rare opportunity to go on a romantic evening with one of the hardest working New Media grads in the country. Sam enjoys Jamaican doubles, RiFF RAFF’s entire oeuvre, and making you feel like the special and desirable human being that you are. You’re not going to find a guy like this anywhere else and his love is very much for sale.
Price: Cheap dinner, hand-job.
Here at VICE, there are a lot of times when everyone just stops working and focuses their brain power on easy ways that the world could be made into a better place. One of the primary aims of these high-value think tank sessions is to develop more direct methods of intoxication. Everyone's already familiar with the teenagers in Middle America who dip their tampons in vodka and fill their butts with wine coolers, but why hasn't that been mass-marketed yet? Well, we would like to introduce you to the butt bong. Hopefully one of you out there would like to partner on this world-changing technology.
Price: $100,000 for original blueprint + 51% of future profits until 2043.
Our in-house digital marketing manager Carly Gray is not only fantastic at Twitter and Facebook, she is just stellar at keeping our social networks vibrant on a computer that has been passed through a few different VICE employees and is likely haunted by some highly debauched spirits. You can use this one-of-a-kind vintage Macbook to research how to repair your new semi-broken Macbook, email your grandmother, or download the first season of Gossip Girl. The wonder of the internet awaits.
Our designer Matt Smith-Johnson doesn't know that his car is for sale, but he will soon. This brand new GTI has paddle-shifting, something else that makes it go fast, and an iPod adapter. Matt takes this car into work every day, so he definitely needs it, but we're quite certain he'll be happier knowing one of our lovely readers was able to take it off his hands simply through the magic of online blogging.
Please direct all inquiries, serious and otherwise, to the comment section below.