Waste Coast: The Ultimate West Coast Tribute

As I’ve mentioned in my first Waste Coast column, I am one of those freaks who still lives in the city she was born in. I used to think this was lame and I carried around the fear of being lame for never leaving Vancouver. I flirted with the idea of moving to the East Coast but it never materialized. I lived in Holland for just under a year, but came back to Vancouver with a warm, open hug. Then, I started band and we decided we were okay enough to start touring. After all, a guy we knew wanted to put out our 7 inch. Things grew from there.

Being in a band means I have seen every city in North America a million times over in the worst conditions possible. As I write this, I’m sitting in the back seat of our van with three boxes of records jammed between my sweaty legs. We’re driving through Nevada with the air conditioning off because we are afraid it might malfunction if we use it too much. At least we have AC in our new van. This is a first for us.

We left California a mere few hours ago and I already miss it. Call me crazy, but I think Los Angeles is a romantic dump. The grey, naked skyline sprawling with palm trees and trash makes me swoon. San Francisco is perfect. Even Seattle, a city I have cursed again and again for being boring and ugly has great history and at the very least, potential. Have you ever been to South Carolina? Compared to South Carolina, Seattle is paradise.

So, here it goes, my favorite things about the West Coast. Cue that rap song about California that everyone likes to sing along to that I don’t know the words to.

The Pacific Ocean

I'm not a lay-on-the-beach-and-tan person, but I do love swimming especially in the ocean. I like salt water. I like getting a big, gross gulp of it. I like the way it makes my hair kind of curl. I like hanging out on the beach all night drinking by a fire and then pissing in the ocean. It's fun. The East Coast may have water, but we have the beach and that's a whole different thing. I've never heard anyone say their dying wish is to see the Atlantic Ocean, but you know Make-A-Wish has sent a millions kids to Disney Land in sunny California.

Vancouver, The Hollywood of Canada

Look, I get that movies are filmed here cause it's cheaper but it's an absolute joke that people use this term. Vancouver is nothing like Hollywood. If anything, Vancouver is Hollywood’s squeaky clean, goody two shoes little sister and Hollywood is a 45-year-old smoker with a killer tan and a habit. They could not be more different, but Vancouver is beautiful. Sometimes I forget because I take it for granted, but there is a reason it's one of the most desirable places to live in North America. It's got mountains, beach, city and plush, plush forests that teenagers can experiment with drugs in safely. It's new. Downtown is 90% glass buildings. It's clean. People recycle religiously. It's never too hot and it's never too cold. Plus, it's just boring enough that it forces people to be creative thus there are always cool things happening somewhere you had no idea existed. Hating the place you live is for bratty immature babies. City pride.

Los Angeles, The World's Botched Boob Job

If I were American, I would live in Los Angeles without question. I think it would toughen me up. I'd become a more aggressive driver. I'd get a tougher digestive system from all the tacos I'd be stuffing into my face every night. My throat would be steel from the thick American tobacco I’d be smoking. Plus, I'd get better at drunk driving. Just kidding. Everyone knows the real "champions" of that are in Texas.

West Coast Drugs Are Better

Have you ever had someone offer you pot or cocaine in Toronto or New York? It's terrible and it costs a million dollars. Why would anyone pay money for oregano and powdered rat poison and call it a good time? Healthy mixes of top-notch drugs have always been available to me being from British Columbia and I think this is a good thing. I started experimenting early and got it out of my system, kind of. For example, I have only done acid at nitrous balloon zen trips. Do you even know what that is? Of course you don’t because it’s insane and a very special treat. I do not use words like this in my regular vernacular, but acid with nitrous is life changingly psychedelic. The last time I attended an acid and nitrous zen party, it was on a beautiful farm with a pool way out of the city. We were all running around, in and out of this beautiful country home, tripping in our summer dresses while the squeaking sound of the nitrous tank hollered like a timed horn. It was epic. I don’t think this kind of thing happens in Halifax on a Friday night.

Mexican Food

Yes, that burrito filled with delicious, flavorful ingredients is the size of a new born baby and yes, it is only going to cost you $4. And yes, you can smoke while you eat it because you got it from a truck at 3am on a Tuesday.

California Punks

California punks have the best style. They all have Flippers tattoos from when they were teenagers and wear leather in the summer. They always have a little layer of grit from driving down the freeway with the window open. They wear layers that don’t make sense, like basketball jerseys under button up dress shirts and manicure their eyebrows to Brooke Shields perfection. They know how to make awkwardly short bangs look cool. It's just perfect.

Just so you know, I could make an article that talks about all the things I hate about the West Coast, but I'm feeling super romantic after this week.

@myszkaway