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Sex

We Watched More of the Porn Reality Show ‘Sex Factor’ So You Don’t Have To

Everything's stepped up a load since the first couple of episodes (NSFW, obviously).
What looks like quite an uncomfortable moment from episode three of 'The Sex Factor'

The beauty of The Sex Factoran online reality show in which contestants compete to become a porn star—is how easily it slips into the same routine as other reality shows. Tantrums, bitching, egos floating high. Serene-like bloated zeppelins, stern judges, contrived challenges. After a while, if you allow yourself to be embraced by the format, you almost forget that it's porn.

Ah, no, hang on. Sorry. That isn't true. After filling you in about the first few episodes, we were halfway through, where we took a sharp left turn and ended up in porn central. This porn has been rendered down and concentrated into its porniest possible self.

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Episodes three to six were the weeks of flesh: The remaining contestants were divided into couples and engaged in no holds barred penetration sessions. No more lap dancing and kiss-offs; this was the big one. Or—let's rewind a second. There were some holds barred. This is what we learned.

SOMETIMES PENISES DON'T WORK

A contestant being consoled when his penis failed to work

Huddle in, because this is important. Contrary to popular belief, the penis is a delicate item. It's like bone china, or a Fabergé egg. It tastes the wind, it beats its chest, it senses the chthonic hum of the planet-soul, and then sometimes it has a little lie-down.

These were the weeks of the flaccid penis. Throughout episode three, we achieved—we're all part of this now—a grand total of two erect penises, and there wasn't much luck in four or five either. It happens to the best of us. She'll roll her eyes, she'll be understanding, she'll lie in quiet fury and wonder if it's acceptable to finish herself off in earshot or nip into the shower.

Sometimes—God help us—sometimes there's even a sympathetic smile, an understanding, the most painful response of all. Please: anger, sadness, indifference; they're all fine. They get pushed deep down into the black ego center and forgotten. Never sympathy, though. Call us Floppy Whopper and the Chamber of Secrets, we'll nod it off. Sympathy is just too much.

These were the weeks of the flaccid penis.

THE STUPIDER THE NAME, THE STRONGER THE COCK

Hero D. Protagonist filming a scene

The two men who first successfully achieved a serious throbber were the Colonel and Hero D. Protagonist, the two contestants with the most ridiculous names. There is a lesson to be learned from this, and that is that porn is all in the mind. What hope did "Buddy" ever have of achieving an erection? Buddy is the clean-cut star athlete who is ultimately toppled by the underdog school geek. The school geek is the Colonel striding forward with a mighty swinging erection.

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Hero D. Protagonist is a bulky, tanned, sensible young man. He'd take a spliff at a party, he'd smoke it with an appreciative nod, and he'd keep his choking coughs to a minimum. He's been bodyboarding, and he actively enjoys the music of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He is paired with Allie Eve Knox, who won the photography contest in the previous round despite her affectation of slightly purple hair (it's a show about fucking, but they're very conservative about hair color). They fuck competently and beautifully on a sun lounger.

The Colonel is a different matter. The Colonel could not be happier to be here. The Colonel wakes up every morning with his dick at full mast in eager anticipation. His World of Warcraft guild are going mad with envy. He is paired with Khaya Peake, who is sharp and wildly attractive. There are no erection troubles here, but if anybody has placed his or her chips on "extreme overexcitement and premature congratulation" then please don't spend all of your winnings at once.

He's in and out like he's convinced he's left the oven on, and he manages the money shot so quickly it leaves judging Lexi Belle faintly baffled. "Oh yeah, I could have gone on for longer," he lies. They cut to an interview of the Colonel looking like he's won the lottery—"I mean, how could you not?" On another day, this might be regarded as a mistake, but this was flaccid penis week.

THE SEX FACTOR IS EXTREMELY ELUSIVE

The judges, after yet again failing to find anyone with the "Sex Factor"

You know in the X Factor—the actual X Factor, the one whose lawyers have been defeated in hand-to-hand-combat by Team Sex Factor—when the judges ask people if they have the "X Factor" and they genuinely aren't sure? The reason they aren't sure is because the "X Factor" doesn't actually exist. It's just one of those intangible things, like happiness or Peter André. This also applies to the "Sex Factor."

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Ask the judges what the "Sex Factor" is at the start of the series, and I'm sure they'd have listed all sorts of things—charisma, performance, attractiveness—but we're in a different world here. The bar has plummeted. For one of the male contestants to have the "Sex Factor," stage one is to achieve an actual honest-to-God erection. For the women, it's a competition to see who can most artistically conceal their total contempt. God, this is a bit close to the bone, isn't it?

THERE IS NO JUSTICE IN THIS AWFUL WORLD

The Colonel getting charged up after being kicked out

The Colonel has been dishonorably discharged. The golden boy—our golden boy—has been cast out into the wilderness after some sort of rebellion among the judges. A succession of men have lay stricken on a bed as they try to summon a little blood flow into Old Blind Bob while the Colonel struts like a Templar at a jousting competition.

He got the boot for what Tori Black described as a lack of "presence," but we know what she meant. We, the scrawny undersexed masses, see through this. The Colonel was not allowed to remain in the competition because he was making all of the handsome men look bad. He doesn't have the natural muscular beauty of the other men, but consider this: Have you seen men in porn? Ron Jeremy looks like a haggis. The Colonel is the Forbidden Planet everyman that a generation of shut-in masturbators demand.

JUST BECAUSE IT'S PORN, DOESN'T MEAN THERE ARE NO LIMITS

RIP, David Caspian, you awful man. In lying on the floor and masturbating completely unprompted, you demonstrated that you didn't understand this lesson, and you weren't the only one.

Dani Darko left the show in episode three because she attempted to asphyxiate Johnny Black with her tongue, which is generally considered bad form. She claimed to have missed his muffled pleas to stop, but it's difficult to be articulate when you're reliving John Hurt in Alien. Gosh, though, didn't she take her ousting well?

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SHE DID NOT TAKE IT WELL

It took until episode three before we got our first high-level wobbler, but it was a doozy. The essence of the high-quality reality-show wobbler is that it is basically impenetrable. There's screaming and blubbering and, ideally, something gets thrown—but at heart, what we want to see is anguish-wracked gibberish. Someone so overcome by anger that he or she ceases to communicate in sensible English.

"I made that shit, that was all me!" She's slapping her chest, face screwed up with rage, and her voice has gone up an octave. What did she make? Reader, we're not sure. She keeps repeating this: "I made that shit!" she says, jabbing her finger at people, storming around the bathroom. I start to worry that I've missed something—did she make something when I wasn't paying attention? Did Buddy Hollywood kick over her Lego Millennium Falcon? Maybe she means she made her scene, the one in which she mentally scarred Johnny Black enough that his dick went into hibernation?

It does the soul good to have the first proper tantrum. It feels natural. It feels like being home. Ultimately, this is what we watch The Sex Factor for. They're doing their best to make it sexy, but the strange alchemy of reality television has other ideas.

EVERYTHING IS FUNNIER WHEN IT'S NAKED

An unchanging rule of comedy in this fast-paced world.

That's the thing about sex, isn't it? It is essentially ridiculous. Have you ever seen a dick and balls? They're laughable. Take a look at the nearest pair to you right now, and see if you can say honestly that they aren't at least a little bit funny. Sometimes I wonder whether the show would completely lose its magic if at any point it actually became erotic, but the good thing is it doesn't look like that will ever happen.

You can watch all episodes of The Sex Factor—we're promised it gets completely XXXX in the latest installment—on the show's website.

Follow Janis Hopkins on Twitter.