What Your Sandals Say About You

Spring is here and warm weather is just around the corner, which means all the hogs out there are going to be putting their little piggies on very public display in no time. Yes, I'm talking about the fleet of flip-flops, scads of sandals, and throng of thongs that are going to be popping up at venues appropriate and otherwise as we head into summer.

In some rare cases, these will be nice, stylish, and tasteful. Most, however, will be horrible, disgusting, and stomach-churning. Just recently a friend of mine was wearing flip-flops on a subway platform when a rat attacked his almost-naked foot. It bit right into his hairy hoof like it was engaging in some sort of aggressive mating ritual. He was forced to punt the vermin into the third rail as if it were a hacky sack and he a dreadlocked Phish fan “wilin’ out” in Sheep’s Meadow. Is that what you want to expose yourself to? Of course not.

As a public service aimed at keeping you aware and alert over the next few months, I have taken it upon myself to compile the most popular and staggeringly atrocious open-toed abominations. I have also coupled the list with descriptions of the personality types who indulge in such base footwear.

Flip-Flops
By far the most popular of all the sandal choices, flip-flops are also the most insidious. The flip-flop wearer cares more about his or her personal comfort than anything else. These people—if you can even call them that—shun cleanliness, propriety, and the hope of setting themselves apart from the pack in any meaningful way, all for the sake of a slight breeze tickling the feetsies. Flip-flop wearers are also lazy and indistinct, except when it comes to the nasty black film that is a byproduct of wearing this type of footwear in an urban setting. Ergo, wearers of flip-flops are selfish bastards who care more about their own happiness than decorum, or the sad fact that he might injure himself or others with his flimsy footwear.

Tevas
These popular and terrible toe-jam sleds masquerade as a sport sandal, especially if their wearer considers hacky sack to involve any level of athleticism. The hair on the wearer's head is usually a bit too long (bald spots are also prevalent), as are their cargo shorts that frequently feature smaller pockets on top of larger pockets. There is probably a very free-thinking liberal arts college involved (I'm going with Bard or Reed). Alternatively, it could be a fanny pack-and-jorts situation. Whichever it is, these things are 360 degrees of awful and will never be cool, no matter how many redesigns they endure.

Crocs
Hi, Rosie O'Donnell, it's good to see you again! Oh, what’s that? You’re dating Mario Batali?! But of course you are! You’re both bull-dykes who are fond of wearing really ugly shoes originally made for surgeons. God, the Croc sandal is like some sick hybrid mutant you would find on an evil shoe scientist's deadly island. The category of person who wears these in public is either an off-duty chef trying to show his leisurely (re: fat) side or a caricature of the most awful kind of American tourist. Or your mom.

Platform Flip Flops
This woman is the sort of mall-dweller who thinks she is very hip and stylish because she shops at Aeropostale instead of Abercrombie. Lady, it's the same old shit in a different package. Then again, she probably is too so maybe it’s fitting. She would definitely buy shoes from a website called My Diva Closet. She's also the kind of person who has looked at Snooki and thought, "Come on. She doesn't dress that badly!"

Birkenstocks
People who wear these are either a lesbian or a hippie. Or, every once in a while, a grandma. It might even be a hippie lesbian grandma. It will most likely be a vegan, but it is definitely vegetarian and decidedly a disaster.

Gladiators
This lady falls for any silly fashion trend she finds at H&M just because a bunch of magazines told her something was “boho-chic” or whatever the fuck word people are using for “heinous” nowadays. Sorry, Thunder Thighs, tall, skinny girls in the glossies might be able to pull them off, but you’re going to look like a corndog with one end wrapped in electrical tape. This is the type of girl who is going to be wearing peplums and color-blocking her wardrobe to shit. Really? Do you think any of that is a good idea? Do you make any style choices without the aid of Lucky? Are you human? Maybe you’re a lizard person and this is all an Illuminati conspiracy?

Booties
I love a good bootie as much as the next guy, but there is a scary trend where the bootie and the sandal get together, have drunken sex without a condom, and birth monstrous children out of wedlock. What is this thing? Is it a shoe? A sandal? A cancerous pustule you can walk in? Thanks to the leather, the wearer’s feet are sure to be sweatier than Chris Christie's taint and worse yet the stench is completely exposed to the world. This fashion victim is a person with no common sense who likes to revel in their own excess and probably orders bellinis at brunch. No wonder it looks like her toes are trying to escape.

Also by Brian Moylan:

Erotic Hypnosis Gave Me the Most Intense Orgasm of My Life

The VICE Guide to Bad Celebrity Plastic Surgery

An Etiquette Guide for Straight People in Gay Bars

@brianjmoylan