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Sex

Why I’ve Never Been Able to Have an Orgasm

An investigation by Chippy Nonstop.

Since 2011, I've been tweeting about my lack of orgasms. Sorry in advance to all my ex-boyfriends and past selfish lovers who never pleased me sexually. For the number of fuccbois who have whispered in my ear in the green room of a Travis Scott "afterparty," "Girl, I'm 'bout to give you that good dick," none of them have actually ever given me anything but regret.

But honestly, it's probably not all their fault. I literally didn't know where my clit was until I started doing my investigative journalism for this article.

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I started writing this article after reading Cosmo's "9 Tips and Positions to Have an Orgasm" but realized this is going to be about way more than just the complexity of my body. Every man I have ever "dated," aka had sex with one time, has asked me to keep our relationship a secret because he was embarrassed of me and then blocked me on all social media after I inevitably found out he had a girlfriend. Their approach to sex was strictly about getting their nut in, which has never boded well for my own pleasure.

Being from an Indian family, sex isn't really a topic that was thrown around in our household. My 72-year-old (now dead) aunt told me once that she had only kissed her husband one time in their 35 years of marriage, yet they have four children together. We are from the land where the Kama Sutra, literally the bible of sex, was invented, yet I just found out where my clit is and I don't know how to cum.

But don't get me wrong people, I've definitely been adventurous with my sex life—I even had a brief fetish phase. I was living in Vancouver at the time. I'd been attended a weekly party called Glory Days, and I turned up wearing one of those sex chokers with the rings on it, mainly for aesthetic (my apologies to the fetish community for appropriating). I had no intentions to use the choker sexually, until later that night a white hipster man, who I had seen at the club earlier, slides in my DMs, with the subtle, yet effective line "I liked the choker you were wearing." Later that night around 4 AM, he called me, coked the fuck out. I was blacked out, so clearly I was ready to make more bad decisions. I took an expensive cab to his house, and we had fetish sex (is that the right term for it?) with ropes, choking, whips, lube, and other random stuff I can't remember. I had never done that before, and it didn't really get me turned on, but it was funny and I found it interesting to see how he could get off to something that seems so comical to me.

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I would consider that a pretty dark time in my life, because this strange interaction went on for a lot longer than I anticipated. We met up every few nights for a few months. I literally wasn't into the actual sexual aspect of it all. Straight up, I would be honest with the entire internet if I was, but for some reason I was really interested in the way his mind worked and why he was so into it. I was sharing these, what I would consider to be, vulnerable moments with him, yet he was so detached from the moment. I was creating these stories in my head about why having fetish sex was appealing to him, but actually knew not one thing about him. I can't even recall his name, but I think he was a mailman. And who can resist a man in uniform? Am I right?

Photo by Megan Magdalena; styled by Chippy Nonstop

Although I'm not a newbie to sex, to really understand it I needed to read some facts written by some very knowledgable sexperts and doctors. After reading five unnamed sources and over 72 credible Twitter timelines, I came to the existential crisis-inducing conclusion that I am psychologically fucked up and I can no longer blame my issues on the "men" who have come in and out of my life. Sexperts say growing up with sex-negative feelings from friends, family, media, and also educators can influence your sexual experiences and pleasures. Being misinformed about sex can also lead to psychological effects. I'm not from a religious family where sex was considered "dirty" or "bad," I was just not informed at all. But it's not my parents' fault, they weren't informed either. In Indian households, sex was just something people did to pop out kids—they weren't taught about recreational sex or pleasuring yourself.

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Having a destructive inner voice (I also have a destructive Twitter voice, and now, journalistic voice) has also undermined my ability to have an orgasm. Sexperts say womyn often correlate sex with love and don't want to show their partner too many emotions, because they will feel too vulnerable and then get paranoid that their partner will take advantage of that vulnerability. Having been in pretty shitty relationships with men, getting "too" close has also been a mental barrier of mine, I forget that orgasms are about our bodies and not about our hearts and minds.

By analyzing my own psyche and acting as my own therapist, I managed to identify a few mental barriers that have got me to this stage in my life. It's sad to admit this, but I honestly can't even think of one thing that turns me on. I've only had one relationship in my life. In the beginning I considered our relationship to be a pretty healthy one, but in retrospect I realize I wasn't able to share my desires or worries with my partner. I was always scared of making him feel inadequate as a man, which was never my intention, but because of his past relationships he thought I was judging him or belittling him when we talked about how I couldn't get turned on. Reflecting on it now, it was actually my own issues (being previously mistreated and abused by men; not having knowledge about sex; thinking about sex as something I just had to "get through" or "endure" to make the man happy; not being 100 percent confident in my body; being Indian and really hairy (which white and black guys just do not get) that wouldn't let me get there. But if he was more aware of them and I felt comfortable communicating these insecurities, then maybe I could have become more comfortable with him.

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Previous to and following my break-up with my ex-boyfriend, whom I dated for two years, I didn't and still don't have sex if I'm not completely blacked-out and numb to everything happening around me. I don't know why I still have aimless sex, because it doesn't feel good and I feel like shit the day after. I've gotten to a point where I don't even feel horny or even an attraction to anyone around me. I would attribute past sexual abuse and lack of positive sex education growing up as key contributors to why I feel like this. One of the ultimate roots of this issue is I feel like I am not deserving, which is one of the most pervasive self-limiting thoughts I have in my subconscious mind, not only in fulfilling my sexual desires, but in my "love" relationships and career.

And since I've always had an unhealthy relationship with sex, masturbating and porn have never seemed like viable options in my mind. My friends are always preaching to me the importance of a vibrator, telling me to masturbate or watch porn, but I honestly just can't get into it. I've tried to get hot, oiled up and put something cute on and thought about masturbating, but it just doesn't feel like something I want to do. I keep reading all these self-help articles and books saying if you don't know your own body and you can't get yourself off then how do you expect to someone else to?

You are all probably wondering why I am so open about this or why I decided to write about this. I've gotten so used to hiding under the guise of Twitter irony and hedonism, aka Twitter comedy, that I've forgotten how to sincerely question myself on an emotional level beyond the layer of ironic detachment. I hope to strike a chord for you readers, my peers and fans who use irony as a defense mechanism and never really take the time to find the root of their issues.

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They say the five stages of grieving a lack of an orgasm are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. So here I am sitting pretty at acceptance.

Now that I have finally come out publicly with the root of my issue I hope to persevere on this journey and take the advice Kreayshawn gave me years ago, get a vibrator and stimulate that clit, whatever that means.

Photo by Michele CoteFollow

Chippy Nonstop on Twitter.