Recently politicians in Windsor, Ontario got all miffed at Stephen Colbert’s latest book wherein he suggested that the Earth’s rectum is located in their fair Ontarian city. In my mind, this is a step up from five years ago when on his show he called it “the worst place on earth”. But his statement really brought my life into perspective, seeing as I was born and raised in Windsor, which means I’m essentially a giant piece of shit.
Of course in true Canadian fashion, we reacted the only way we can when someone calls one of our cities the asshole of the world: we invite them to be the grand marshal of our Santa Claus Parade.
Even though it seems Windsor is trying to take the remark as just good natured American ribbing, I’d like to outline exactly why Stephen Colbert is right: Windsor, Ontario is the Earth’s Rectum.
SHIT GOES THROUGH IT
The best part about a rectum is that shit travels through it. Windsor is home to one of the busiest international border crossings in the world. Part of this responsibility includes transferring tons of natural resources, garbage, dead animals, drugs, alcohol, and illegal immigrants through the city’s downtown core. Its anatomy has infamously shoveled out shit like Al Capone and his bootlegging business, the Underground Railroad and its slave escaping business, and the Big Three and its automobile business, all of which revolve around misery.
IT IS SURROUNDED BY DELICATE TISSUE
If any medical professional is worried about anal sex it’s because the tissue of the rectum is delicate and can lead to a whole lot of trouble if torn. This is kind of like how all environmentalists feel about anal sex with Windsor, Ontario. It is in a terribly vulnerable spot. To the north of Windsor is Sarnia, also known as “Chemical Valley,” and just across the bridge is Detroit and all of the beautiful Michigan refineries painted along the Great Lakes. Therefore, the atmosphere is depleting, the smog is brutal, the fish are mutated, the water is toxic, etc.
In fact, I had a friend who studied environmental science in Toronto and one day during a lecture, the professor asked if anyone in the room was from Windsor. My friend meekly raised her hand, and the professor apologized to her personally. Then the professor proceeded to the show the class a film all about Windsor and how everyone there is going to die of cancer.
EVERYTHING IN IT DIES
Imagine trying to raise a family in a rectum? Unless you are bacteria, it just wouldn’t work. Cities thrive on industrial diversity, because that way everyone can have jobs and make money and feed their babies. Windsor is known for manufacturing automobiles- Ford, Chrysler, and General Motors (“The Big Three”)- and that’s basically it. Within the last decade, the factories have slowly been closing because paying North Americans for this kind of labor doesn’t make any sense. Meaning, everything in Windsor foretells of devastation/feces/death - much like its neighbor Detroit, but without the cool music.
One time I was on an airplane coming into Windsor. I was starring out the window looking at the plains of grimy, dirty fields, kind of in awe of how disgusting it looked. Then all of a sudden a kid behind me exclaimed “IT LOOKS LIKE MOLD!” I couldn’t have said it better myself.
SHANIA TWAIN WAS BORN THERE
And she won’t even admit it.
OH YEAH, IT’S PRETTY FUN
Do you like anal sex? Do you like the feeling of waste leaving your body? Rectums aren’t all that bad. Sure, it’s a rectum and everything. But you know, it’s like once you’re surrounded in total shit you can’t get much worse, so you just live it up and party all day. All my friends in Windsor are open and fun and have orgies, and the strip clubs there pay for girls to go to university, and there’s a giant hard liquor distillery in the middle of the city, and I’m moving back there in two weeks, and instead of falling off the face of the Earth I’m going to get sucked up into the ass of the Earth and live happily ever after with my cancer-filled destiny. Hurray!