Guinea pigs are chubby-faced mega-hamsters that squeak when you squeeze them. Curiously, the animals do not originate from any country with “Guinea” in its name, nor are they a member of the pig family. They were domesticated when 16th-century explorers brought them from the Americas to Europe, where they quickly became a popular pet for the upper classes. Queen Elizabeth, ever the trendsetter, was one of the first Europeans to own one. Meanwhile, people living near the Andes mountains continued to enjoy cooking and eating guinea pigs as they had for centuries, and healers used them as a kind of supernatural x-ray that was rubbed against the bodies of the sick to determine the cause of their symptoms (this practice still continues in some villages). But enough about that nonsense. If you happen to find yourself in the Netherlands, there’s a small guinea-pig village where you can adopt one of these creatures yourself—to eat (please don’t), rub on your body, squeeze, or whatever else you wish. All day long they roll around on a plush lawn dotted with tiny windmills and miniature gnomes playing saxophones. There’s even a separate, less busy area for older guinea pigs to spend their retirement amid a floor of golden hay sprinkled with ripe veggies and poop. It probably smells like shit in there, but we’d hold our breath just long enough to put one guinea pig in each hand and tenderly stroke them across our faces till we sneezed.
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