12 Things That Roskilde Virgins Should Keep in Mind

So it's your first Roskilde? Aw, how cute. You are in for a treat, but there's also quite a lot that you may not have expected or prepared for. Given that we are such nice folk here at VICE, we figured we would make a list for you. Because we know you love lists.

QUEUEING UP SUCKS

If Roskilde is Heaven on Earth, then queueing up for it is 12 hours in Dante's inner circles of Hell. And you won't see it coming. What happens is, you'll get there early and everything will be just swell: plenty of space, great atmosphere and tons of beer. Then, more and more people will arrive, gently pushing you towards the fence. This is actually where you'll want to be. Here, the queue is divided into neat little sections, as opposed to the open lot behind it, where hordes of wildebeest anxiously prepare themselves for the impending stampede.

At some point, collective panic will persuade everyone to get up from their comfy festival chairs and mash themselves against the fence. There's nothing gentle about this. Everyone will rush forward, trampling absolutely everything in their way. If you've made it this far, great job, but if you forgot to take a piss, you're fucked. Just suck it up and prepare for a couple of hours of strangers grabbing your ass and climbing over you. Around the time you start to wonder if people would actually notice you pissing your pants, the herd will topple the fence to the festival grounds. Ignore the voices blasting from the speakers, warning you of steep fines and possible eviction, you'll have no choice but to follow along. Now use your last strength to claim a spot, pitch your tent, and open another warm beer.

Photo via Wikicommons.

IT WILL RAIN

However delightfully sunny the forecasts are, it will rain sooner or later. Might be a quick shower, might be that you'll spend the entire festival knee-high in mud. Either way, preparation is key. This means packing a decent set of waterproofs and wellies. Those festival store rain ponchos are shit and won't keep you dry. They will, however, make you feel like you're slowly suffocating, wrapped in a shower curtain like Laura Palmer. You should bring a tarp, too. Use it as a kind of tent condom and you'll be fine.

YOU'LL BE OFFERED PLENTY OF DRUGS

Contrary to the festivals anti-drug policy, people at Roskilde love party powder. Weed is definitely the drug of choice, but whatever your poison is, it shouldn't be too hard to come by. With the sharing-is-caring attitude that embodies the festival, you'll probably be handed plenty of free lines and pills over the course of the week. And though smoking is technically not tolerated, youngsters and worn out hippies toke up alike - both at the camping grounds and during the concerts. Just stay away from doing any hard drugs too publicly and you'll be alright.

IT'S THE FRIENDLIEST PLACE ON EARTH, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU WON'T GET YOUR STUFF STOLEN

Everyone steals at Roskilde, so don't bring anything that you're not prepared to part with. I don't care how "good" of a person, you think you are - you'll join the hunt for sweet free shit the second you've downed your first warm beer. Rules are, everything that's outside of the tents or not nailed down is fair game. This includes beer, chairs, small sound systems and such. Inflatable children's pools are rare gems to look out for. Just don't steal from the bottle collectors. If you do that, you are a dick.

Photo via Wikicommons

YOU'LL WALK FOR MILES

Roskilde is huge. Walking across the campsite will easily take you the best part of an hour and that's only if you know where you're going. Try to find someone, and it'll occupy the better part of your day. The lesson here is, bring shoes and one for the road. And be arrogant. You'll figure out that a good percentage of Denmark's population live in Roskilde this week, and if you stop up to have a conversation with every single person you know, you'll end up walking for four hours instead of one.

COMMUNICATION

Having a smart-phone doesn't do you much good at Roskilde, where both internet and phone reception are spotty at best. Everyone is effectively set back 30 years communication wise, making word of mouth all the more lively. There will be a lot of rumors. People dying, Daft Punk living secretly in the quiet camp and all manner of new super drugs. None of it's ever true, unfortunately.

THE LAKE IS A SHIT-FILLED CESSPOOL

Don't swim in the lake. Every year, scientists test the water of Roskilde's infamous lake. Not entirely surprisingly, discovering that it has turned into an E-coli, HAZMAT ground zero type deal. Then those health authority Nazi's shut it down. Don't trust all those slow-motion shots of people cheerfully diving into the refreshing blue pond. Do that, and the only way you'll see Slowdive is from a hospital bed.

SEX IN A TENT SUCKS

Sex has been part of festival culture since parents spent their youth bumping uglies at those 1970's acid orgies. Alcohol and MDMA make you proper horny, but try to refrain from crawling into strange tents for a night of romance. Here's why:

You'll be fucking in a tent

If you haven't already accidentaly tea-bagged your roomie's head, your neighbours will be sleeping approximately 5 inches away. It's pretty much the same as sex in public. Maybe you're an exhibitionist, or maybe you don't give a fuck if people hear you scream. But other people care. They care a lot.

You might as well be fucking on the ground

No matter how fancy an air mattress you have, it will eventually explode. Chances are your sleeping mat is probably equally as thin and discomforting as Michael Cera's mustache. Sex on the ground hurts like hell, and has the grace of a bull in a china shop. If you don't want your knees shredded to a bloody pulp, keep it in your pants.

Oral sex

People don't tend to shower at Roskilde. Let's leave it at that.

YOU WILL FALL VICTIM TO "PISS-COUGHING"

Piss coughing is an almost harmless phenomenon caused by the urine-dust that pollutes the campsite air. Urine-dust is, as you may have guessed, urine in a powdery form. It's caused by the festivalgoer's tendency to pee wherever possible - corners, trees, tents, their mates leg. When the sun dries the foul smelling soil, a disturbing cocktail of dust and urine is formed, and then you spend a week inhaling it. So, that cough you can't get rid off? It's just the piss of 100,000 people settling in your lungs.

THE ROLLING STONES WILL DISAPPOINT YOU

It's a fact. Mick Jagger is 70 and he's not even the oldest. They're all old. It's fine and you should still go see them, but, you know, it won't be anything special. It'll be like watching your really cool grandparents tell stories from their youth. Or like visiting the tower of Pisa or something. I mean, it's nice to have it checked off your list and all, but that's it.

AND SO WILL THE FINAL ACT

It wouldn't even matter if pseudo political rap-rock legends Rage Against the Machine played; the last concert is always a chore. After fucking your body over with nachos and chlamydia for a week, the last thing you'll have energy for on Sunday is watching someone like Björk sing about her feelings. Might as well leave beforehand.

YOU MIGHT BE BURNED ALIVE IF YOU CAMP FROM SUNDAY TO MONDAY

Just a handy reminder, people tend to set fire to their tents on the Monday following the last day of the festival. Don't spend the night there.